Category: The Fuck R. Kelly Bench

R. Kelly Has Been Sentenced To 30 Years In Prison

June 29, 2022 / Posted by:

Just four years ago, Robert Sylvester Kelly was bragging that it was too late to prosecute him for any alleged crimes because, not only was he adored by “40 billion motherfuckers,” but they “should have did this shit thirty years ago” before his music had “been injected into the world.” Speaking of lethal injections, Robert won’t be administered one for the crimes of racketeering and sex trafficking that he was convicted of last September in New York. However, according to Page Six, he will be serving a 30-year sentence for them. Oopsie daisy! Turns out it wasn’t too late to #MuteRKelly after all. Today, Robert was sentenced to serve 30 years for one count of racketeering and eight counts of violating the Mann Act which “prohibits the transport of ‘any woman or girl across state lines for any ‘immoral purpose’.” Thanks to vaccines and the dozens of brave women (45 witnesses testified!) who came forward to share their experiences, 40 billion motherfuckers have been cured!

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R. Kelly’s Attorney Compared Him To Martin Luther King Jr. In His Closing Arguments

September 24, 2021 / Posted by:

All this time I thought Robert Sylvester Kelly was on trial for some repugnant ass shit like sex trafficking and racketeering, but according to his attorney, he was actually on trial for defending The US Constitution and the “freedom of speech” and “freedom of assembly” guaranteed to all within that hallowed document. Much like Robert’s fallen comrade, the great Martin Luther King Jr. Yes, he really said that mess with a straight face in a court of law while delivering his closing arguments at R. Kelly’s trial.

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R. Kelly’s Lawyers Want The Court To Throw Out Allegations That He Abused An Underage Boy

August 2, 2021 / Posted by:

Last month, prosecutors in the New York case against 54-year-old R. Kelly told the court they wanted to submit some more evidence and more allegations against him. R. Kelly has been absolutely drowning in federal allegations at this point, from sex trafficking to underage sexual abuse; and in more than one state, he’s got cases in Minnesota and Illinois as well. But still, those NY prosecutors found some more alleged awfulness, like recordings between R. Kelly and a Crisis Manager who allegedly confirmed a bribe and who R. Kelly talked to about bribing a bailiff. They also submitted allegations that R. Kelly groomed and abused underage boys. But don’t you dare think of bringing that up in court! Because R. Kelly’s lawyers argue that jurors could be homophobic, and so their bigotry could negatively impact R. Kelly.

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R. Kelly’s Lawyers Are Trying Again To Get Him Released From Prison Over His Jailhouse Attack

October 19, 2020 / Posted by:

R. Kelly‘s lawyers are back in the ring, but they’re taking a timeout from having to defend their client against mountains of video evidence supporting the allegations against him that he’s a predator of young girls. His lawyers are instead focusing on getting R. Kelly released ahead of his trial, once again harping on that one time he got roughed up in jail.

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R. Kelly Has Been Denied Release From Prison For A Third Time

May 18, 2020 / Posted by:

R. Kelly is currently facing charges in Illinois, New York, and Minnesota over sexual assault, child porn, sex trafficking, and also bribery. And while waiting for Lady Justice to (hopefully) kick his ass into prison for a while, he’s behind bars, waiting for his trials to begin. But like others, R. Kelly’s team has tried to use coronavirus to get him out of prison and into house arrest, but he keeps getting denied. And he was denied again. Take the hint, bitch!

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R. Kelly Is STILL Trying To Get Out Of Prison

May 2, 2020 / Posted by:

I know what you’re thinking: Jeez, what is it, asshole day? The world is full of garbage and clearly this weekend, the bags are LEAKING. Speaking of which, R. Kelly is jumping into the fray again. R. Kelly is trying for the 2948th time to get sprung from prison amid fears of contracting the coronavirus. But unlike all of his previous failed attempts, he’s now got proof that he’s a menace to society sitting duck if he is forced to remain locked up.

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