Category: The Fuck R. Kelly Bench

A Minnesota Judge Issued A Bench Warrant Against R. Kelly For Failure To Appear

September 13, 2019 / Posted by:

I never thought I’d be saying this but Robert Sylvester Kelly has been treated unfairly by the system. TMZ reports that Robert, who last week was released from protective custody into the general population in MCC Chicago federal prison, has had a bench warrant issued against him for failing to show up for a hearing in Minnesota. In Minnesota, Robert is facing charges of “engaging in prostitution with someone under 18, and hiring/offering/agreeing to hire someone for sexual contact”, but he failed to appear because he was in custody in Chicago. Nevertheless, the judge issued the warrant anyway. Like I said, it’s unfair. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish writing my letter to the Nobel committee nominating that judge for a prize (maybe not the Peace Prize, does Nobel offer a Petty Prize?) for his extraordinary work in the field of fucking with Robert Sylvester Kelly.

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R. Kelly Has Changed His Mind And Wants Out Of Solitary Confinement

August 30, 2019 / Posted by:

R.Kelly has changed his mind after spending a month in solitary confinement while behind held on multiple, multiple charges. R. Kelly has finally decided that he is not really interested in spending this much trapped in the closet cell by himself. Especially if they won’t give him anything to watch. So now his lawyers are asking the judge to let R. Kelly take the risk and enter into general population as both a famous musician and also a famous alleged pedophile. No one’ll notice him!

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R. Kelly Has Been Charged AGAIN This Time In Minnesota For Prostitution

August 6, 2019 / Posted by:

I don’t even know what R. Kelly’s lawyers are doing on a day-to-day basis, besides dealing with his 100 million charges? Praying? Chanting to the gods? Asking their wiccan friends for luck potions? Their legal strategy so far seems to be deny and attack but I don’t know how you’re gonna be doing that once one of those over twenty child porn sex tapes gets previewed for the jury and they go: “Holy shit–that’s R. Kelly.” Still, Kells has been pleading not guilty all up and down the eastern United States as he fights off federal charges in both Illinois and New York.

Oh, but did you think this would end with R. Kelly getting charged with sex trafficking? Ma’am? All the skeletons are dropping out of this man’s closet and if you know anything about him and closet space, mama it goes on. These skeletons bout to be dancing out R. Kelly’s closet like it’s fucking Corpse Bride. And another just popped out in Minnesota.

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Judge Grants Protective Order On R. Kelly’s Chicago Case Against Those “Disgruntled Groupies” He Allegedly Assaulted

August 1, 2019 / Posted by:

R. Kelly really seems to be a piece of shit, but that’s because we’ve heard all these dark stories about him along with what appears to be corroborating evidence. So we, the public, have formed some opinions. Well, a judge wants to put a stop to that–a Chicago judge has just granted a protective order on some trial information so we won’t get to find out about just how crazy R. Kelly allegedly is. This comes after getting arrested for additional charges including child porn and being sent to jail where he sits in solitary. But if you ask R. Kelly about this mess he’s in, this is all just the work of some “disgruntled groupies”. Really? Even the child sex tapes with you in them?

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R. Kelly’s Crisis Manager Resigned After Saying He Wouldn’t Leave His Daughter Alone With His Former Client 

July 24, 2019 / Posted by:

Remember that crisis manager of R. Kelly‘s who was doing such a good job and fixed R. Kelly’s life? He quit, or maybe got fired, depending on who you ask. This is surprising considering all the good work he accomplished for R. Kelly. But after an interview where R. Kelly’s crisis manager Darrell Johnson said he wouldn’t leave his daughter alone with his client, he parted ways with Team Pissy.

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R. Kelly Is Going To Be Transferred To New York For Some Court Hearings

July 22, 2019 / Posted by:

The Chicago Tribune is reporting some bad news about R. Kelly. No, don’t worry: he isn’t getting out on bail, no sorry–I phrased that wrong. Bad news for R. Kelly. It’s good news for everyone who’s interested in justice being served for alleged sex abuse victims. R. Kelly is right now in prison waiting for a bunch of court dates because he’s been charged with a shit ton of crimes across two states. Or is it three? Hard to keep track. Well now we know that the state of New York definitely wants to have a face-to-face convo with Robert Sylvester, and he’s going to be picked up by some US Marshals to get there. Yay! Road trip!

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