While songbird turned jail bird R. Kelly is rotting in prison, someone out there thought that they’d kindly release an unauthorized album on his behalf and make a quick buck. I hope they’re happy with a few crumpled ones because no one really wants the music of a convicted sex trafficker. R. Kelly is unhappy that he’s not getting his cut of a few pennies and has set his legal team to solve the mystery of who dropped a bootleg album! The mystery they should be solving is why anyone in their right minds would think an R. Kelly album would sell in 2022.
R. Kelly Ordered To Pay Restitution To His Victims Including Covering Medical Bills For The Herpes He Gave Them
R. Kelly is currently rotting in prison after being convicted in Chicago and New York for the years of sexual abuse he committed against underage girls and boys. And at a recent restitution hearing, the former rapper and current convict was ordered to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to some of his victims. The world may be going to Hell but so is R. Kelly!
It’s been one year since R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking charges in New York. So how did Lady Justice decide to celebrate the one-year anniversary of R. Kelly finally getting hit with a GO TO FUCKING PRISON card? Well, Lady Justice celebrated by serving up more justice. Yesterday in Chicago, a jury declared that R. Kelly is guilty of several “child pornography counts” and “several counts of enticement of a minor to engage in criminal sexual activity.” 55-year-old R. Kelly is already serving a 30-year prison sentence in NY, and now he’s facing another 10 to 90 years in the chokey. So if you’re ever down in the dumps and need a quick pick-me-up, just remind yourself that R. Kelly will probably rot in prison.
Due to the cruel, insidious nature of his perversion and fuckery, even while locked behind bars serving a 30-year sentence for raketeering and sex trafficking, Robert Sylvester Kelly’s influence over his victims, alleged or proven otherwise in a court of law by a jury of his peers, still reaches far beyond that itchy spot in the center of his back that I cursed him with during my coven’s most recent workshop, Petty Justice: Hexes and Hot Wings. Robert may be rubbing his back raw up against the cinder block walls of his jail cell, but last week, Joycelyn Savage, his most loyal and vocal “girlfriend,” claimed he proposed to her and that she’s pregnant with his child. Just in case you don’t have any plans next weekend, our next workshop will be Oh Hell No: G&Ts and Fournier’s Gangrene. It’s a virtual meeting and all are welcome!
UPDATE: TMZ says that R. Kelly got what he wanted and he has been taken off of suicide watch.
It must have been a rude awakening for R. Kelly when he realized he was spending his Independence Day in a place that doesn’t celebrate independence: Prison! And with twenty-nine more firework-free holidays ahead I’m sure at some point he’ll forget what potato salad and chargrilled burgers taste like. I mean of course, ultimately he can go to Hell. But before that happens he has a long time in the pokey to think about his past three decades of inflicting abuse. And the people who run his current home, Metropolitan Detention Center, Brooklyn, have placed him on suicide watch. Although, R. Kelly’s trying to convince everyone he has no plans of harming himself or others.
Just four years ago, Robert Sylvester Kelly was bragging that it was too late to prosecute him for any alleged crimes because, not only was he adored by “40 billion motherfuckers,” but they “should have did this shit thirty years ago” before his music had “been injected into the world.” Speaking of lethal injections, Robert won’t be administered one for the crimes of racketeering and sex trafficking that he was convicted of last September in New York. However, according to Page Six, he will be serving a 30-year sentence for them. Oopsie daisy! Turns out it wasn’t too late to #MuteRKelly after all. Today, Robert was sentenced to serve 30 years for one count of racketeering and eight counts of violating the Mann Act which “prohibits the transport of ‘any woman or girl across state lines for any ‘immoral purpose’.” Thanks to vaccines and the dozens of brave women (45 witnesses testified!) who came forward to share their experiences, 40 billion motherfuckers have been cured!