When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.
I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.
Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.
Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.
Who Cares About Their Oscars? Julianne Moore And Eddie Redmayne Were Finally Nominated For A Real Award
Both Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne are probably putting their Oscar in a boot box and storing that who cares award under a guest bed, because they need to make room on their mantel for an award they can really be proud of: A Razzie!
As they do every year, the Razzies butt squirted out their nominations the day before the Oscar nominations, which will be announced at the hour of the ungodly tomorrow morning. Adam Sandler is continuing his reign as the King of the Razzies. His movie Pixels got the most Razzie nominations along with Jupiter Ascending, Fifty Shades of Shit and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. They each got 6 nominations. Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne both won their first Oscar last year and this year they’re both nominated for their first Razzie. Julianne got nominated for the Seventh Son and Eddie Redmayne was nominated for Jupiter Ascending. I’m sure Julianne and Eddie both got calls from their past acting teachers who said, “And now I can finally say that I’m really proud of you!”
But really, these Razzie nominations are completely invalid and I cannot take them seriously at all. How can you even respect the Razzie voters ability to dishonor the best in suck when they didn’t give one nomination to the cinematic crime of the century that was the Jem and the Holograms movie? Jem should be the only turd nominated and it should fill every single category, but it didn’t get one nomination. Something in the milk ain’t clean…
Maybe the Golden Raspberry people are in cahoots with the government and the Academy Awards people. Maybe Jem didn’t get a nomination, because it’s going to be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar tomorrow and only because the feds want the producers to show up to the ceremony so that they can arrest them on the spot and charge them with butchery. Yeah, I’m going with that.
All the nominations are after the cut.
Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.
Is it just me, or is Sean Penn actually looking a little less grumpy than he normally does? Typically he looks like a charbroiled hot dog with severe anger management problems, but standing next to Charlize Theron is doing good things for him. He’s only barely giving off disgruntled dried apricot vibes.
The premiere of Mad Max: Fury Road happened at the Cannes Film Festival earlier today, and I’m sure it will win the Palme d’Or and the Grand Prix and every other award, because it’s clearly the type of serious arthouse cinema that fancy French film types would totally come crème fraîche over. So naturally, Charlize got all fancied up and got Sean Penn to put on a clean shirt (I hear he rage-sweats through at least 12 shirts a day). Unfortunately, all their red carpet classiness couldn’t hold a candle to man-made pearl and
former Hot Slut Hofit Golan, it’s actually Russian TV star Elena Lenina (both Michael and I are DEEPLY ashamed that we mixed those two up):
Class, thy name is saying fuck it to nipple covers before you stick a bunch of lace appliques on your tits. I have no idea what kind of look Elena is going for, but if she was going for middle-aged Connie Conehead cleaning out her storage locker after receiving her 3rd notice and discovering a box containing her old Windmere crimper, a slutty angel Halloween costume, a bottle of expired sleeping pills, and some shriveled-up Avon bath beads, I’d say she nailed it.
Here’s more from the Mad Max red carpet, including Charlize looking like The Mustard Princess of Hot Dog City, Sean Penn looking like the mayor of said city, Julianne Moore, Fan Bingbing, and Michelle Rodriguez, whose dress fabric started bunching up around her waist and made it look like she had Shar-Pei skin.
I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:
“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”
The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.
Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.
And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).