Ever since Daniel Craig hung his blue speedo up and withdrew from a life of espionage as James Bond, many have been wondering who would step into the role next. There was speculation for years that beautiful British brotha Idris Elba would take over, but he basically told them to get someone else to do it since he’s too old to be jumping, running, and leaping over shit. Someone should give Tom Cruise that memo, but that’s a discussion for another time. So now, Scottish panty creamer Richard Madden may have given us a few clues as to who the next Bond will be because it might be him.
For some reason, this news is making me react like this meme, but maybe I’m just judgmental. Last year, Prince William “won” the prestigious and totally real title of“Sexiest Bald Man” from a bunch of cosmetic surgery specialists. From the top of my head, hotter bald men include Stanley Tucci, Jason Statham, and Johnny Sins. But this year, Vin Diesel has been handed the title of Hottest Baldie.
Stanley Tucci began his career as an actor and model, but in recent years, he’s made a successful transition to being a Hot Older Man. Like Christopher Meloni before him, Stanley Tucci has a loyal fan base of men and women who would gladly volunteer to be drenched in cocktail juice from The Tooch, if for some reason he suddenly found himself single and no longer married to Emily Blunt’s sister Felicity Blunt. But here’s the thing – Stanley Tucci has no idea why people find him hot.
Well, looks like I’ll be busy all day writing obits for Stanley Tucci, Mark Strong, The Rock, Morris Chestnut, Jason Statham, Sir Patrick Stewart, Kelly Slater, Shemar Moore, Taye Diggs, Bruce Willis, Billy Zane, Boris Kodjoe, Common, Ed Harris, Michael Chiklis, LL Cool J, Corey Stoll, Danny DeVito, and Homer Simpson. Because it seems like they’re dead. Hell, if you’re a bald man who is reading this right now, guess what? You’re a ghost! It looks like Prince William is the only bald-headed man alive because some new study claims that he is the World’s Sexiest Bald Man. And no, this “study” was not conducted by the University of Trolling and The April Fools’ Day Gazette.
Coronavirus begat Gal Gadot asking the Tone Deaf Avengers to Imagine a world where irony does not exist. Not to be outshone, for the occasion of the Black Lives Matter movement, we will be subjected to a barrage of actors emoting about racism while serving black and white Stanislavsky turtleneck Inside The Actors Studio earnestness. In a video for a new initiative called I Take Responsibility, “a cadre of stars staring directly into cameras as they pledge to take responsibility for how they’ve perpetuated racism or allowed it to go on in their presence.” (via The Hollywood Reporter). But don’t get too excited, nobody gets too specific. But we do get to hear Justin Theroux take responsibility for “every not so funny joke,” something you’ll never hear from me! #ITakeNoResponsibilityWhatsoever
Stanley Tucci has a massive cock-
tail repertoire. In a recent Instagram post, Stanley got tongues a’waggin’ and mouths a’droolin’ by demonstrating what he can do using just his bare hands and a couple of ice cubes. Stanley made my favorite cocktail— elixir of bespectacled cue ball in a tight polo shirt, also known as a Negroni. Stanley’s demonstration of how to properly craft a thirst quencher had the opposite effect, causing a mighty thirst on Twitter for Stanley’s quiet confidence and moderately hairy forearms.