A new Tucci has arrived! Stanley Tucci and his wife Felicity Blunt, welcomed their second child together a couple of months ago. They had a girl named Emilia Giovanna, born April 19th. Stanley has three other kids from a previous marriage (he was widowed in 2009). Felicity is a literary agent and Emily Blunt‘s sister. Stanley actually has a lot in common with babies. He’s short, bald, and a lot of women would probably let him stick his head in their vagina.
The last time Stanley and Felicity made a baby together, they had jokes for People magazine. When their son Matteo Oliver was born in 2015, Tucci said “I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world.” In keeping with family tradition, Stanley came up with a new wisecrack for People to mark Emilia’s arrival.
“Hopefully she will have the looks and brains of her mother and one of my better personalities,” Tucci, 57, jokes to PEOPLE of his new baby girl.
I like it. If you are going to live in the rarefied air of a celebrity family, you might as well have a little fun with it. In fact, he should retroactively give his other kids People birth announcement jokes. He’s got 18-year-old twins, he could call People and be all “I am proud to finally announce the arrival of Nicolo and Isabel. I guess they took a wrong turn at the fallopian tube because these babies are huge! One of them even has a beard”. Ok, that was pretty sweaty. God, I hope Felicity, doesn’t read this post. Otherwise I can kiss my dreams of a book deal goodbye. I should really leave making babies, and making jokes about making babies, to the professionals.
Jessica Lange And Susan Sarandon Will “Feud” As Joan Crawford And Bette Davis For A New Ryan Murphy Show
The Ryan Murphy Network (real name: FX) set fire to the b-holes of fans of legendary bitch fights and Old Hollywood scandals today when they announced that they have ordered a new Ryan Murphy anthology series about classic feuds. The first season of the series, titled Feuds, will cover the rivalry between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis while shooting What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? Ryan Murphy’s muse Jessica Lange will play Joan Crawford and Susan Sarandon will play Bette Davis. In the future, every show on television will be a Ryan Murphy anthology series starring Jessica Lange.
About two weeks after I moved to NYC, I went out with some dude I met on the Internet. We went to a bar and sometime during the date, we were talking about movies and he asked me what my favorite was. I told him the usual, Showgirls and Angel. I asked him what his was and he spit out some movie called Monkey Shines. I had never heard of that shit before and he went on to tell me that it’s his favorite, because there’s a scene where Stanley Tucci is wearing nothing but a towel. I think his tip got extra moist when he said that. That opened up a can of Tucci. He went on to tell me that Stanley Tucci is his dream dude and he once dated a German guy who looked like a taller Stanley Tucci. The Tucci-a-like barely spoke English and my date barely spoke German. They had a hard time talking to each other, but they dated for over a year, because but my date just couldn’t break up with him since he looked like Stanley Tucci so much. He probably talked about Stanley Tucci for a good 20 minutes. I get it, Stanley Tucci is hot. I’d hit it until we both needed medical attention. But maybe you should want until date 2 to let me know you’re a Tuccihead. So when I read this news about Stanley Tucci being a dad again, I pictured my date from 14 years ago screaming, “It should’ve been meeeeee,” while sliding against his bedroom wall covered in shirtless Tucci pictures.
Stanley Tucci and his wife of about two years Felicity Blunt, who is a literary agent and Emily Blunt’s sister, are now parents to a boy. The Tucci Blunt baby was born on Sunday in London. This kid is Felicity Blunt’s first and Stanley’s fourth (he has 14-year-old twins and a 12-year-old daughter with his late wife Kate who died from breast cancer in 2009). Stanley’s rep gave this jokey statement to People:
“I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world. We are all thrilled that he is here and healthy.”
Stanley and Felicity named their son Matteo Oliver. Matteo Oliver is a normal and not-at-all crazy name, but if I was him I wouldn’t go by Matteo Oliver. I’d go by my parents’ last names, because Tucci Blunt is a way better and more glamorous name. It sounds like the name of a drag queen rapper.
And here’s Matteo Oliver’s auntie and uncle, Emily Blunt and John Kransinski, with their baby at the farmer’s market in L.A. over the weekend.
Wearing clothes is hard, it really is. Unless you’re wearing a Snuggie, there are so many things that could go wrong: Camel Toe, Pancake Ass, Hot Dog Boob. Elizabeth Banks must know this, because instead of torturing her titties by wrapping them in a too-tight bandage dress or cramming her ass into some kind of high-waisted satin pant contraption, she showed up to the London premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 this evening wearing a billowy sleeveless chiffon duvet cover with a built-in blanket cape. Normally a dress like this might make me shout “FUG!”, but not this time and here’s why:
1. Nothing brings me more joy than seeing someone who looks like at any given moment could drop to the floor and take a comfortable nap.
2. Elizabeth’s dress reminds me of this rich girl I knew when I was 8 named Sabrina. Her nanny let her eat icing sugar by the spoonful, and you couldn’t touch anything in her house because it was opulent as hell. This dress reminds me of the duvet in her parent’s second bedroom, which I believe was used solely for fucking.
3. Elizabeth’s dress also reminds me of the one the greedy-ass queen from The Queen Who Stole The Sky makes when she steals the sky, and that’s super hot, because that crazy bitch stole the sky! THE SKY!
Here’s more of honorary shameless slut Elizabeth Banks working some “The bottom half of my dress is filled with farts and nobody can tell” eleganza in London this evening in what will no doubt be the first of 4,083 Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres, as well as the rest of your mom’s bedding sale haul, including Jennifer Lawrence wearing an embroidered mattress cover, Jena Malone wearing the cover from a yellow satin bolster pillow, and Natalie Dormer looking like a fancy scented underwear drawer sachet.
I know I’m the last person who should be talking shit about high fashion, since I’m sitting here wearing a throw blanket as a shirt and the kind of leggings too casual for even a trip to the corner store for 2 cans of Monster and a king size Twix, but what in Where’s Andre? hell is going on here? I strongly questioned Jennifer Lawrence’s decision making skills after she debuted that hideous Kate Gosselin hair, but wearing this dress proves that she is not of sound mind and should grant a trusted family member power of attorney. How else can you explain wearing Sandra Lee’s best tablecloth (she needs it back for her Glitzy Glamour Christmas tablescape) to a movie premiere?
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere was held in London, so that might explain why Jennifer Lawrence went full-mumsy with her look. When I think of London, I think of The Queen, Miss Marple, and Dame Judy Dench, so maybe Jennifer got confused and thought she had to dress like a glittery mother-of-the-bride? I have no idea. Maybe this is some kind of deal with the devil? “In exchange for winning an Oscar, you’ll be forced to dress in shapeless sack-dresses and cut your hair like a soccer mom.”
But Jennifer Lawrence looking like a Dollar Tree Tilda Swinton was the least of our problems at The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere. Yes, Elizabeth Banks, I’m looking at you. No tea no shade, but everything about that dress says Real Housewives of New Jersey Ballgown Collection. If you got Slut Dress in there with a Singer to tighten the bottom up, you’d have the hottest dress at the Shahs of Sunset premiere.
Here’s more craft project dresses at The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere in London. I haven’t read the books or seen The Hunger Games (because I’m too busy re-watching old episodes of Cake Boss on Netflix) so I’ll try my best to describe who showed up with what little knowledge I have. Okay, we’ve got J-Law, Miley’s ex-piece aka Thor’s Brother (Liam Hemsworth), the cute little one (Josh Hutcherson), Elizabeth Banks, Katniss’s sister who’s really good at screaming (Willow Shields), the girl from Stepmom (Jena Malone), THE TOOCH (Stanley Tucci), and two tricks giving us LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian exaggerated PDA realness (Sam Claflin, Laura Haddock).