Hard to believe that The Big Game is less than a week away. Yes, in just a few short days, the Michelob Ultras will go head-to-head against the Hellmann’s Mayonnaises in a star-studded Super Bowl 57 spectacular that will be broadcast all across the world! Now, I’m not a betting woman myself, but if I was, my money would be on the Ultras to win because I hate mayonnaise and I refuse to buy any. But according to Sporting News, “the latest trend in advertising are companies putting together teaser trailers for their ads” which must be infuriating for the bookies responsible for setting the spread (currently the Mayonnaises are favored 2:1, which makes sense). But to be honest with you, I don’t even really care who’s playing. Call me crazy or un-American but I only watch the Super Bowl for the men in tights who run around on the field when the commercials go to break.
Coronavirus begat Gal Gadot asking the Tone Deaf Avengers to Imagine a world where irony does not exist. Not to be outshone, for the occasion of the Black Lives Matter movement, we will be subjected to a barrage of actors emoting about racism while serving black and white Stanislavsky turtleneck Inside The Actors Studio earnestness. In a video for a new initiative called I Take Responsibility, “a cadre of stars staring directly into cameras as they pledge to take responsibility for how they’ve perpetuated racism or allowed it to go on in their presence.” (via The Hollywood Reporter). But don’t get too excited, nobody gets too specific. But we do get to hear Justin Theroux take responsibility for “every not so funny joke,” something you’ll never hear from me! #ITakeNoResponsibilityWhatsoever
Breaking Bad has been off the air for nearly six years now, but that doesn’t mean the fans are done with the show. It still has an insane cult following. Breaking Bad fans are like the Little Monsters of the TV world. They’re the type who will show up at a stranger’s house years after the show ended and throw pizzas on the roof. And much like Gaga’s Little Monsters, they take to their keyboards when they’re displeased. Like how they let Breaking Bad stars Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul have it when they announced the launch of their new tequila company.
Aaron Paul and his wife Lauren “Pretty Bird” Parsekian of four years announced yesterday that they are expecting a baby and I’m mad. I’m not mad at them, I’m happy for them but I’m mad at People for this:
From Breaking Bad to water breaking!
Really, People? You should have saved that line for the birth announcement!
And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”
Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.
I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:
Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.
Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:
If you’ve got the shakes and the meth sweats from coming to terms with the fact that you’ll never get another Breaking Bad fix again, this might sober you up. DJs Zen Freeman and Tom Neville asked Aaron Paul to say “BITCH” for the fifty billionth time in their new dance track “Dance Bitch.” It’s like Brit Brit’s “Work Bitch” only a million times worse. Actually, I take back that whole “this might sober you up” thing, because this song made me want to smoke meth through my ears.
And since that song is pain for your ears, here’s some beauty for your eyes. It’s Aaron Paul going crazy and looking like a pirate with jizz in his eye while screaming at the paps during a walk with his wife in West Hollywood the other day.