Open Post: Hosted By Salma Hayek’s World-Saving Chichis

Not pictured: Volunteers from UNICEF who are standing by with jugs and waiting for Salma Hayek’s suffocating tits to explode so they can collect her miracle chichi leche and feed it to dozens of starving orphans.

Last night in London, Salma Hayek went to something called The Evening Standard Theatre Awards and I bet that the people who went to that event couldn’t even tell you who won awards or what happened. The only thing they remember is Salma Hayek’s squeezed honeydew titty sacks. Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis will make a ho forget everything.

Thanks to that ugly clown collar, Salma’s tits look like two face-less babies in bonnets sleeping next to each other. They also look like overfilled water balloons lying on a table and the next time I’m at a family party and see overfilled water balloons lying on a table, I’ll have to resist the urge to motorboat them.

And here’s more pictures of Salma Hayek’s TITS as well as pictures of Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Kate Beckinsale and Ralph Fine-ass looking like the most charming flasher ever.

Pics: Wenn.com

You Kan Always Kount On Kim Kardashian To Bring Plenty Of Klass And Sophistikation To An Event

Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.

The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.

We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar  Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.

Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

I Guess Someone Didn’t Get The Memo That It Was A Halloween Party…

Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!

There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”

Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.

That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.

Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Uptight Broomstick Praises Uptight Broomstick

Goopy Paltrow was honored at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon (or as she calls it, “Variety’s Power of Gwyneth Paltrow…And Some Other Women Too, Whatever” luncheon) on Friday and while talking to reporters on the red carpet, she turned herself into distilled organic steam and blew herself up into Taylor Swift’s b-hole. According to People, Goopy said that her 11-year-old daughter Apple Martin is a big Taylor Swift fan and she approves, because Taylor of Sunnybrook Farm is a serious businesswoman, a songwriter and doesn’t show up to events nipples-out naked. Yes, Goopy hated on naked chicks on the red carpet at a female empowerment event.

“She loves Taylor Swift, and for me, that’s such a great sign. Taylor is a girl who’s incredibly talented. She writes her own music. She’s not naked on the red carpet. She’s an incredibly astute businesswoman, so with role models like that, [Apple] can’t go wrong.

I really think that that generation is going to do something very special. Those girls, they are so in their power. They are absolutely shameless in terms of their femininity, and I think we’re on the verge of something really exciting.”

Okay, but besides my idol Micaela Schaefer, who in the hell shows up to events completely naked? I wish many of those famous types showed up completely naked, because it would probably be more pleasing to the eyes than the ugly shit they wear. But seriously, Goopy self-shaded herself with that comment. I mean, we all got a good view of her nipple knobs when she showed up to the Oscars looking like a frumpy goth Heidi and a couple of years ago she told us she had to shave off her Goop fur to wear an elegant see-through gown. Oh, Goop, I see you sitting next to a pile of freshly polished marble stones imported from Italy in your 15,000 square foot Baccarat glass house.

Here’s a bunch of pictures from Variety’s luncheon thing including some of a lube-faced Goopy looking like a cocktail waitress at a Pope-themed club.

Pics: Wenn.com, Instagram

Open Post: Hosted By Dreamboat Doherty At Paris Fashion Week

It’s been over a year since I’ve written about Panty Creamer Hall of Famer and Macaulay Culkin’s ex-roomie Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty (that art post doesn’t count), so let’s do a little catching up.

Dreamy has reportedly quit that crackhead life completely and is now living in a small French town where he goes antiquing with his girlfriend and plays some game called pétanque in his garden. Dreamy says that his days of injecting dragon chasing fuel into his eyeballs and getting caught up in the overdose deaths of heiresses are long behind him. Dreamy is sober after spending a long time in rehab and he’s back to work with The Libertines. The Libertines have a new album out and they’ve been touring a bit. They were supposed to play a show in London last month, but they canceled at the last minute after Dreamy had some sort of “medical emergency.” They claim that “medical emergency” isn’t PR code for “Dude fell off the wagon again and landed mouth first onto a crack pipe.” Dreamy had a panic attack just hours before he was supposed to go on stage. But he’s all better now and last night, he made an appearance at the Saint Laurent show in Paris where he flashed those gorgeous butt corn teeth and gave us hobo Chuckie Finster. Looking hot, Dreamy!

And now that we’re all caught up with Dreamy, you can go ahead and lick on his teeth freckles, because I know you want to.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet UK

Open Post: Hosted By The Slickback Afghan Hound

Last week, I posted pictures of Chuck Bass working the kind of Euro hustler ensemble that Adrien Brody would work the hell out of, and as soon as I hit the publish button, I was filled with a cheap, dirty feeling of regret (and usually I’m sooooo into feeling like that). How dare I betray the seesaw brow’d smooth one by drooling over pictures of the Great Value version of him. I will never make that mistake again and I really don’t deserve these pictures of the raven-haired Roger Klotz spreading his sexiness and beauty at the TIFF premiere of his movie Septembers of Shiraz. But I’ll take them, cherish them and save them directly to the fap folder on my desktop.

Here’s more pictures of Adrien, Adrien’s hot ponytail, his co-star Salma Hayek and the movie’s producer and Hollywood’s #1 supplier of Scottish dick cheese Gerard Butler.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash