Open Post: Hosted By Salma Hayek’s Lettuce Head Chichis

Sausage Party is that computer animated horror movie about talking food murder that was made by stoners for stoners and it had its premiere in L.A. last night. Salma Hayek does the voice of a gayelle taco shell named Teresa in Sausage Party and so she was at the premiere where she grabbed the buns of a giant hot dog bun in heels and posed with two lettuce heads as though they were her tits. I will say the same thing I said when I somehow* caught myself watching most of Grown Ups 2 on Starz one night:

Salma Hayek, you can act, you’re hot and you’re married to a billionaire. You do not need to do this shit. The end.

But now that I think about it, maybe being married to an over-filled money vault depleted all of the fucks she had to give and now she does whatever she wants. Maybe she really wants to be in an Adam Sandler movie, and do the voice of a taco-bumping taco and pose with lettuce tits. Well, if that’s the case, then Salma should’ve at least gotten one of her minions to fetch her ass some lettuce heads that weren’t falling apart and didn’t look all sad-like. They’re doing a disservice to real magnificent chichis!

And here’s pictures of a bunch of people at last night’s premiere. When exactly did Michael Cera shape-shift into Fran Lebowitz?

Pics: Wenn.com

* Blame it on the weed mixed with my self-hate.

QOTD: Salma Hayek Doesn’t Think Daily Boning Is A Good Idea

Seen above on the cover of Red looking like a morph of Amal Clooney and Jessica Alba, Salma Hayek tells the magazine that she doesn’t hump gold coins out of her billionaire husband’s peen slit on the nightly, because if they did, fucking wouldn’t be so good after a while. So I guess “Not tonight dear, it’ll ruin the spark”  is the new “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” Salma said that marriage is not all about sex. What is the point of being married then?!

“Sex is not the key to a happy marriage, but it’s a side effect. Although not every day! If it’s every day, it loses its charm. It’s so important to maintain your chemistry. You have to continue to laugh, explore, have fun with each other and have romance. A good marriage, full of love, is my biggest accomplishment. Home is where my husband is. He is home. Everything outside of the family nucleus is an adventure that you’re living together.”

First of all, the key to a happy marriage is marrying a billionaire. Second of all, I’d completely agree with Salma about having to laugh, explore, have fun with each other and have romance if you add “while fucking” to the end of each of those things.

Open Post: Hosted By The Power Of The Magnificent Chichis

Hours after Susan Sarandon gave no fucks when she called out Woody Allen, she became one half of a motorboater’s Shangri-La when she posed next to Salma Hayek at the Women in Motion Prize Reception in Cannes. Never mind that Salma Hayek’s dress looks like something a rich toddler would wear to her quinceañera if toddlers had quinceañeras, those two pairs of chichis can save the world together!

Salma’s chichis can end hunger for good. And Susan Sarandon’s chichis have the power to destroy grown douches by making them hate fap with one hand and rage tweet with the other until both heads explode. Those chichis are more powerful than the United Nations is what I’m trying to say.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Sad Mystery Of Who Killed Salma Hayek’s Dog Has Been Solved

Salma Hayek recently posted on Instagram about how her 9-year-old dog Mozart was found shot to death on her ranch in Washington State. I immediately screamed, “MURDER!” But it turns out that it was an accident and the investigation is closed.

The Seattle Times says a neighbor told investigators with the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office that he fired a pellet gun at Mozart Hayek because the dog was causing trouble. The neighbors say that Mozart attacked his two dogs so he fired a pellet gun to scare the dog off. It did a whole lot more than scare Mozart off. That pellet sent poor Mozart’s soul to heaven. The neighbor claims that he didn’t know that he shot Mozart. A vet said that a lead pellet hit one of Mozart’s arteries and he bled to death.

Salma wasn’t at her ranch at the time. A caretaker went for a horseback ride with a few of Salma’s dogs. When they got to the end of the road, the dogs, including Mozart, heard the sound of barking and ran toward the neighbor’s house. The caretaker didn’t go after them. The wife of the neighbor who shot Mozart said that he regularly used to go onto their property to fight with their dogs. Her husband finally had it and fired what he thought was a warning shot. She said that they’re very sorry that Mozart died.

“I’m still coming to terms with all of this, as you can imagine. We didn’t even know we killed a dog. To find out we killed a dog that belonged to a high profile person, I’m in shock. My heart is broken. I’m really sorry that the dog died.”

Investigators ruled the shooting as “justified,” but they still passed the case over to prosecutors who will review it.

So many questions. Why hasn’t Salma built a fence? Why did the caretaker just let the dogs go like that? Why didn’t the neighbor scare Mozart off in a harmless way like blast an LMFAO song at him? (Scratch that. That’s not harmless.)

I know that both of their ranches are probably many acres big, but this is definitely going to cause a whole lot of tension. My neighbor’s dog once pissed on my front door mat in front of me and I never stopped throwing them dirty looks. So I can’t even imagine the kind of looks Salma is going to throw at the neighbor who shot her dog.

Rest in peace again, Mozart.

Pic: Instagram

Salma Hayek’s Dog Was Murdered

Salma Hayek dropped forty tons of sadness on her Instagram followers yesterday when she told them that her dog friend of 9 years, Mozart, was shot to death on her ranch in Washington State. Salma Hayek owning a ranch in Washington made my brain squeeze out the word “random.” Apparently, Salma, along with Linda Evans, is involved in the cult Ramtha and Ramtha is based in Washington. But back to poor Mozart…

Salma said that she’s been off of Instagram for a bit because she’s been mourning the loss of Mozart who was found dead last Friday.

I haven’t posted for a week as I been mourning the death of my dog, Mozart who I personally delivered out of his mother’s womb. He was found dead in my ranch last Friday with a shot close to his heart. I am hoping that the Washington State authorities do justice to this wonderful dog whom in 9 years never bit or attacked anyone. He loved his territory and never strayed away…he was the most loving and loyal companion. He didn’t deserve a slow and painful death. #doglover #animalrights #dog #dogoftheday #rip #delivery #washingtonstateauthorities

Well, that’s every kind of awful.

If someone shot my dog, I’d probably turn into that dude from The Secret In Their Eyes (or Julia Roberts in the shitty American remake) and spend my every waking hour trying to track that evil bitch down. But Salma Hayek has millions and is married to a billionaire so I’m sure she’ll just hire someone to do that for her. Hopefully they’ll find out what happened and avenge that poor pooch.

Rest in peace, Mozart.

Pic: Instagram

Open Post: Hosted By Salma Hayek’s Hot Hospital Shirt

Salma Hayek had to go to the hospital the other day after she busted her head while shooting scenes for her new movie Drunk Parents. (Side note: Drunk Parents is from the makers of Grown-Ups 2. Bitch knows she’s a billionaire’s wife, right?! She does not need a check that bad.) Salma was checked out and everything turned out to be okay. While she was at the hospital, Salma saved the lives of some patients dying of dehydration by giving them leche from her world-saving magnificent chichis and she also took this picture with the doctors who treated her. Salma threw the pic up on Instagram and explained why she was wearing a t-shirt with the white lady version of Janet Jackson’s Rolling Stone cover on it.

I had to be rushed from set to the ER for a minor head injury. Unfortunately my wardrobe for the scene was completely inappropriate for the hospital. Thank you to doctors Foster and Ellspermann for taking such good care of me! And don’t worry it didn’t make me any crazier than I was! #hospital #emergency #doctors #nude #wardrobe

Before I read Salma’s explanation for why she’s wearing that elegant t-shirt, I figured that she finally fired her stylist, got some taste and has started wearing truly sophisticated outfits. I’m sad it’s only a costume. But really, if soggy tampon Piers Morgan wasn’t busy jacking his rage boner to all the titty pictures Susan Sarandon’s supporters are sending him, he’d let Salma Hayek know how inappropriate it is for her to show cleavage at a hospital!