Okay, that headline isn’t totally true. You probably felt like you got stabbed a dozen times with a hedgehog spike dipped in LSD while watching that CGI-ridden puddle of blue fuckery that was the Sonic The Hedgehog trailer. (That trailer has already taken friendships because I broke up with a friend who said that he’d totally fuck CGI Sonic. And no, that “friend” wasn’t one of the voices in my head. I think). But Pete Doherty says he got stabbed by an actual hedgehog.
Dreamy has reportedly quit that crackhead life completely and is now living in a small French town where he goes antiquing with his girlfriend and plays some game called pétanque in his garden. Dreamy says that his days of injecting dragon chasing fuel into his eyeballs and getting caught up in the overdose deaths of heiresses are long behind him. Dreamy is sober after spending a long time in rehab and he’s back to work with The Libertines. The Libertines have a new album out and they’ve been touring a bit. They were supposed to play a show in London last month, but they canceled at the last minute after Dreamy had some sort of “medical emergency.” They claim that “medical emergency” isn’t PR code for “Dude fell off the wagon again and landed mouth first onto a crack pipe.” Dreamy had a panic attack just hours before he was supposed to go on stage. But he’s all better now and last night, he made an appearance at the Saint Laurent show in Paris where he flashed those gorgeous butt corn teeth and gave us hobo Chuckie Finster. Looking hot, Dreamy!
And now that we’re all caught up with Dreamy, you can go ahead and lick on his teeth freckles, because I know you want to.
Pics: Splash, FameFlynet UK
A strange things keeps happening… Human women are still willingly fucking Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty without lining their coochie tunnels with Tyvek and covering themselves with liquid antibiotics before squeezing into two full-body condoms specially made by NASA. Human chicks with working brains are still letting Dreamboat bust raw nuts up in ’em and I’m guessing those chicks are the same kind of chicks who fap while watching zombie porn. Dreamboat tells the Israeli newspaper Ynet (via Crave) that he’s into reuniting with The Libertines, but only because his checking account has got tumbleweeds blowing through it, his wallet’s only got an IOU receipt from his crack dealer in it and he’s got ANOTHER mouth to feed.
A couple of days ago, a map of Hyde Park went up on The Libertines’ Facebook page and some hos took that to mean that they were going to perform a reunion show there. Dreamy says that they got an offer to reunite and he had to say yes to it, because he’s so desperate for money that he’s about to suck off his dealer for a half-smoked rock (really, who hasn’t been there?).
“I don’t know if I’m supposed to even tell you this, but we were offered to reform the Libertines for a show this July in Hyde Park. I got the call just yesterday. I said yes. The thing is when I think about it now it was kind of a strange answer because I think in most days if you asked me the same question I would say no, but recently I tried to call Carl (Barat) and couldn’t reach him. Not long ago I listened to The Libertines songs on YouTube and had a burst of nostalgia so I said what the heck, and then they told me how much they will pay us and I cannot lie to you I couldn’t say no, at least not in my state right now.”
Dreamy is really, really hard up for cash, because he just found out that living in this world is a third child who will one day take his daddy’s old crack pipe to school on Show and Tell day.
“I was recently called to family law court after a young girl I knew had told me I was the father of her baby. I have a year and a half old girl and I need to pay a lot of alimony, I’m in debt. It’s very complicated for me to say no right now. I have financial problems.”
Dreamy has a 10-year-old son named Astile with singer Lisa Moorish and a 2-year-old daughter named Aisling with a South African model.
If Dreamy really needs a quick check, he should submit his body to science for testing. Scientists can find out how is it possible that his liver and the rest of his internal organs haven’t melted and dribbled out of his asshole by now. While they’re in there, they can also study his drunk jizz to find out how it’s possible that they’re able to find a stranger’s ovaries while they’re boozed up and high on who knows what. I mean, when I’m really drunk and stoned, I can barely find the toilet I use every day, but yet Dreamy’s drunk jizz seem to always find their way. He truly is a freak of nature.
When I read a story about how the apple of my brown eye Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty and Macaulay Culkin moved in together in Paris, some figured that it wouldn’t be long before we were reading a story about how France was suffering from a crack shortage and begged Brazil for a crack bailout. But it turns out that Macaulay Culkin has actually been a good influence on Dreamboat and has inspired him to take his ass back to rehab in Thailand again. Dreamy dried out in Thailand last year, but his lips were around a crack pipe as soon as he got back to Europe. Dreamy is apparently going to rehab in Thailand, because they don’t screw around there and if you get caught with the bad shit, you’ll end sleeping next to Claire Danes on a prison floor while a roach crawls into your ear to die (“Been there, done that!” – Dreamy).
Dreamy tells NME that he recently quit crack and heroin and he’d like to quit forever, because he knows that if he doesn’t he’ll eventually barf up his charred lungs:
“I don’t think it’s possible to sustain a healthy, for want of a better word, cocaine and heroin dependancy, and then call yourself healthy by any stretch of the imagination. You’re a fool unto yourself if you think that. Getting over 30… it’s reached a point now where there’s no way round it. It’s like, either curb it or stop it, or lose your health. o get better you have to get worse. When I stop smoking crack, which I have done recently – I am smoking a lot less – my lungs, all of a sudden, start churning out all this horrible shit. Which, while you’re smoking you don’t get the chance to do. It’s almost that the first thing about giving up drugs is to descend into a pitched toe-to-toe street fight with your health.”
And when he was asked what will it take for him to say goodbye to the bad shit for good, he said, “Probably my sex drive will have to go. Or I’ll have to lose a hand.”
Sex drive?! I thought crack smoke turned a hard dick into a soggy Pirouette. I thought boning while high on crack was like trying to shove an overcooked spaghetti noodle into a key hole. You learn something new. And hopefully, the 1,903,987th time is a charm, because if it isn’t, he’ll have to chop off his hand and even that might not work since I wouldn’t be surprised if some ho out there makes a crack pipe attachment for hook hands.
Britain’s Grain of Salt Daily (aka The Sun) says that supposedly Macaulay Culkin and supposedly sober-ish Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty have become best friends 4EVER and are now living together in one apartment in Paris. Hmmm…. So a former child star with a bank account full of gold bars is living in the same apartment as a legendary mess who, if he had all the money in the world, would fill a giant empty concrete pool with coke and snort his way through it all night? What could possibly go wrong?
A source tells The Sun that Macaulay and Dreamboat met through a mutual musician friend named Adam Green and the three of them worked on a “ketamine-inspired” movie called The Wrong Ferrari. After making that movie, Macaulay and Dreamy got a place together. Macaulay wants to be in Paris, because he’s done with acting and wants to be an artist type. The source said:
“Macaulay and Pete may seem an odd couple but they’ve got loads of interests and life experiences in common.
“They bonded over their love of poetry and art. Macaulay can’t get enough of listening to Pete waxing lyrical about his painting and music. He’s always been a fan of extreme characters like Pete. Look at the way he defends his childhood friend Michael Jackson (Ed. note: How timely!). Pete also loves talking to Macaulay about acting, as he’s been trying to launch a movie career.”
I used to live in an apartment where the bathroom ceiling leaked every time the chick above me took a shower and she took a shower at least 4 times a day. When the world runs out of water and we’re all crawling down the street begging for someone to spit in our dry mouths, we can blame that chick. I figured she either had OCD or was turning tricks in her apartment. Well, the people in the apartment below Macaulay and Dreamboat never have to worry about that, because those two never ever take showers.
But maybe Macaulay and Dreamboat aren’t going to use his Home Alone money to buy mannequins sculpted out of coke that they’ll hump day and night. Maybe they’ll shock us all by becoming wholesome homebodies and shit. Maybe they’ll use Dreamboat’s old crack pipes to plant an herb garden on the kitchen windowsill and the only white powder they’ll handle will be the powdered sugar they sprinkle over the cherry tarts they baked together.
If Macaulay and Dreamboat’s downstairs neighbor hears their shower turn on, they’ll know that those two have really changed and then they’ll call the news, because Pete Doherty bathing is the final sign of the apocalypse.
Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty has joined the EXCLUSIVE and illustrious list of less than 12 addicts who have been kicked out of The Cabin rehab clinic in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Put that certificate of crackhead excellence on your wall, Dreamy! (I’m sure he will.) The doctors at The Cabin obviously think that smoking your own blood in a pipe made from mouse bones and your own freshly churned ass glue is “disruptive behavior,” because that’s what he was thrown out for.
NME says that Dreamy checked into the £7,200-a-month rehab clinic, which is deep in the jungles of Thailand, less than three weeks ago and was put on a plane back to London yesterday. The Cabin’s director confirmed this sad (but not shocking) news with this statement:
“Pete was discharged today for therapeutic reasons. It is important to maintain the integrity of the treatment programme for the other clients to have a good chance of recovery. Pete understands this and therefore the reasons behind why we have asked him to leave. Although our parting with Pete is amicable, we are of course disappointed to see him leave. We hope some of the things he has learnt here will help him in the future and look forward to the day when Pete decides to consider recovery again.”
First of all, the words “Pete” and “discharged” should never be used in the same sentence, because that image just gave my brain a yeast infection. Second of all, that is a calm and well-written statement coming from a rehab director whose retinas nearly tore into a dozen pieces as he stretched his eyeballs in terror while watching creatures feed on plaque dingles on Dreamy’s teefs.
Oh, Dreamy, Dreamy, Dreamy…. I really thought that he was going to finally get it together after Amy Winehouse’s death sent him into an extra bad place where he woke up in the middle of a rising flood of his own shit. I know that when I wake up and can do the backstroke in a sea of my own caca, I take that as a sign. I hate to type this and I never type this, but Dreamy needs JESUS! Get it together, Dreamy, before I say that you need Scientology. Don’t make me type my way into that dark place.