Presenting Natalie Portman’s Maternity Cape Glamour

Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.

Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.

It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.

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On The Next Episode Of American Horror Story: Meth Lab…..

Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.

If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.

Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.

So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.

And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Nick Jonas Might Have Moved On From Kate Hudson To Lily Collins

According to UsWeekly, Nick Jonas doesn’t have to flutter his eyelashes and play coy anymore when someone asks if he’s humping on Kate Hudson, because multiple sources say he’s humping on someone else now. And that someone else is hairy baldy DILF Hall of Famer Phil Collins’ 26-year-old daughter Lily. Apparently Lily and Nick have been friends for years, and they’ve been on a couple dates. Two weeks ago they went bowling (how teenage romcom of you two), and they recently got back from a ski trip together (how very teenage romcom of you two).

Even though it sounds like Nick and Lily are two cutesy Snapchats away from a picnic date in the park (that gets rained out, so they have peanut butter sandwiches in the living room instead), a source says it’s not that serious. I think that’s Kate Hudson’s cue to hop in the tub and tell her assistant to get the light meter.

“Nick’s single and having fun. Right now it’s not exclusive.”

Meanwhile, another source says that Nick “really likes Lily“, so who knows.

Because my brain has better things to worry about, like just how close to death my asshole will be if I eat that Taco Bell lasagna, I didn’t really know much about the third Jonas Brother’s love life. But I’ve learned a lot today. Like that one quick glance at Nick Jonas’ dating history tells me that Nick Jonas likes older women. Sure, Lily is only 3 years older, but older is older. And thanks to Selena Gomez, I was reminded me that Nick was once in a famous people love triangle.

With that being said, I can’t wait for the day I might get to type the words “Nick Jonas in love triangle with Betty White and Cloris Leachman.“

Who Is Chris Evans Sexing On Today?

Short answer: Not you or me. But if we just sit here, covered in lube and ready to go, he’ll get to us eventually (but our no-nos shouldn’t hold their breath.)

About six seconds ago, there was a rumor that Captain America is further strengthening this country’s relations with Britain by sticking his patriotic dick into the low-rent Jodie Marsh known as Lucy Pinder. But well, if that rumor was true and wasn’t just a fairy tale burped up by Lucy’s publicist, then I guess they’re done bumping genitals and he’s already moved on to a new piece. UsWeekly says that 33-year-old Chris Evans is “off the market,” because his peen is now solely devoted to Phil Collins’ (Note: Let’s just pause here and imagine Chris Evans and Phil Collins fucking as Phil sings, “I can feel you in coming in my ass tuuuuh-night.” Okay, fantasy over, let’s resume this sentence) 25-year-old daughter Lily Collins. Well, today I learned that Lily Collins is 25. Here I was thinking that she was barely legal since she looks like she just was pulled out of her mom’s chocha about five minutes ago.

Some source says that Chris Evans and Taylor Lautner’s ex-beard met at the Vanity Fair Oscar party last month and they’ve been bumping nipples ever since:

“It’s just the beginning stages,” a second insider tells Us. “But they’re having a lot of fun and seeing where it goes.”

This is random’s favorite new couple and if they are really a thing, I’m kind of into it. But only because they both have strong, furry eyebrow situations and if they ever make a baby, it’ll be a giant pair of bushy brows with legs.

And here’s Lily looking like a Chico’s model in a supermarket parking lot last week.

Pics: Splash, Esquire, W Magazine