All that’s missing is a tiny parasol and a hat made out of a giant flower. And bigger hair (those Rose Petal Place gals had some on-point beauty pageant hair). When I think of Golden Globes fashion, I think of champagne-scented body shimmer sophistication and still tacky eyelash glue glamour, as seen on living makeup brush Jennifer Lopez. What I don’t think of is Sears Summer Nightgown Fly Fishing Lure Couture, as seen on a newly knocked up Keira Knightley.
Not that she looks bad; she actually looks a lot like a very pretty porcelain doll I had when I was 6 whose glass eyes kept falling out, and even without eyes that doll was elegant as hell. But she’s not bringing enough devastating shimmer and shine to the red carpet. If there’s any time to wrap your baby gut in sequins, it’s at the Oscar’s drunk cousin.
Keira’s dress also reminds me of an embroidered dress I had when I was little that I called my “senorita dress”. It had elastic around the neck so you pull it down around your shoulders if you felt a little sassy. But since I was like 8 or something, I had to wear it around my neck, demure-style, like Keira. Maybe Keira figured that random butterfly on her right hand was sassy enough.
Here’s more Keira looking like a Barbie in a home-made dress, as well as a bunch of other famous types in questionable couture from last night, including Kristen Wiig who was feeling sassy enough, Rosamund Pike who was about two seconds from having everything fall out, and some chick named Tiziana Rocca who looks like Dina Lohan after a Long Island Ice Tea bender and may be my new life inspiration: