Oh, It’s Just Miley Cyrus With Her Duct Tape-Covered Chipmunk Chichis Out At The amfAR Gala

“Here they are, y’all! Take a good look, cause you might not get to see ’em for another couple of hours!”

The amfAR Inspiration Los Angeles Gala honoring Tom Ford was held on Wednesday night, and guess who showed up with her tits out? That’s right, everyone’s favorite permanent marker-huffing chipmunk Miley Cyrus! But since the amfAR Gala is some fancy shit, she knew she it would be inappropriate to roll up in a high-cut thong and weed leaf pasties. So instead, she decided to bust open a Sheer Elegance L’eggs, wear them as a shirt, and wrap up her backwoods nipple bits in some black duct tape. Miley is nothing if not a klassy lassy, after all.

THIS is how you do tasteful black tie elegance. Why wear a boring-ass evening gown when you can look like the crazy hillbilly cousin of Leeloo Dallas? Or a slutty futuristic project manager from Blade Runner? Or a waitress at an adults-only murder mystery dinner theater? Or a rejected member of The Black Tape Project (NSFW)? Or a goth figure skater? I could literally go on for hours, but you get the picture. BITCH LOOKS HOT!

And adding to the already dangerously high levels of Appalachian sophistication, Miley brought her gorgeous mom Tish Cyrus as her date. Sadly, Tish didn’t also dress like a slutty BDSM mime; instead, she wore a satin tablecloth and did her hair in a fancy show pony braid. Oh well, next time!

Here’s more of Miley looking like a low-budget Pris Stratton (because you need that in your life), as well as Lea Michele who – SURPRISE SURPRISE – was serving up middle-aged horny cougar realness, Alessandra Ambrosia Salad wearing the Las Vegas showgirl version of Miley’s outfit, and a bunch of boring covered-up hos:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

What In Confusing Constellation Hell Is Happening On Anne Hathaway’s Hand?

The Los Angeles premiere of Interstellar (aka Gravity 2: Electric Space-aloo) was held last night, and for some reason, Anne Hathaway decided to decorate her right hand with a bunch of jagged metal Krusty Os. NO! I know they’re supposed to be stars, but they seriously look like something that could do a shit-ton of damage. I’m sure many people at the after-party spent the entire night terrified that the DJ would yell “Wave your hands in the air if you just don’t care!“, and prompt her drunk ass to start whipping that thing around like a mace. Wait, do Hollywood premieres even have DJs? I don’t think it would matter; Anne Hathaway strikes me as the type who lives by the mantra “dance like no one is watching, sing like no one asked.”

Then again, Anne could be wearing that angry net of pewter star barnacles (starnacles?) to deter any more journalists from trying to shake her hand. Just because she loves you doesn’t mean she wants your dirty Ebola germs, people!

But as much shade as I’m throwing Annie H for that diamond-encrusted disaster, I legit love it for two reasons:

1. It reminds me of when Charlotte’s 1 million spider babies are born at the end of Charlotte’s Web

2. It’s giving me flashbacks to the mountains of busted-looking Jazzy Jewelry I made as a kid. In fact, I’m pretty sure I made something similar to what’s on Anne’s hand, except it was a necklace and it was covered in glitter glue. And to answer your question, yes, it looked STUNNING paired with my Northern Getaway turtlenecks.

Here’s more of Anne and her low-budget Dr. Claw hand at the Interstellar premiere last night, as well as stoned armadillo Matthew McConaughey and his wife (who sort of looks like a sexy puddle, if that makes any sense?), Jessica Chastain, and Renesmee from Twilight:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

What In The Name Of Ugly Sweater Golf Hat Hell Is Going On Here?

I know what you’re thinking: for why am I looking at a picture of a stoned-looking January Jones after an accident at the Hot Topic redundant zipper factory? Truth is, it’s actually a picture of a make-up free Iggy Azalea working some Greg Norman-meets-Leslie Hall realness at LAX. Don’t worry, I too pulled a confused “Harpo, who dis woman?”, but it helps if you imagine her saying “Who dat? Who dat?” in a fake accent. See? Totally her!

I guess all of Iggy’s usual spandex booty shorts and Body Glove gear were at the dry cleaners, because this is what she wore to fly out of LAX earlier today. Whaaaaat…is this. She looks like the donation bin outside a second-hand store. We’ve got some kind of American Horror Story: Coven of Professional Lady Golfers hat! Then a diamond nameplate necklace that says “Young Azalea”! Followed by your memaw’s favorite cold-weather sweater covered in Edward Scissorhands’ jizz! Then a stripper’s best Church skirt! And a pair of slippers! Damn, everything is its own special mess; I don’t know if this is Iggy Azalea or an exquisite corpse drawn by a bunch of bored teenagers or a Project Runway challenge gone wrong.

But maybe Iggy’s hat-sweater-sexy skirt combo is supposed to be like a No-Makeup Christmas Morning Grandma Carmen Sandiego thing? In which case – nailed it!

And is it just me, or does a sans-fards Iggy sort of look like a cross between Jennifer Lawrence and a moisturized Gwyneth Paltrow? If Iggy suddenly starts receiving anonymous backstage passes to Coldplay concerts in the mail, she’ll know why.

Pics: Splash

“Errrr…I’m Not Sure What The Hell I’m Wearing Either”

The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine, Kristen Stewart, did a Q&A for her new film Camp X-Ray at the Apple store in Soho last night, and for some reason she decided to wear some sort of futuristic leather lederhosen. I know that Kristen is all about ~fashun~ while not giving a shit about ~fashun~, but I’m not entirely sure what is going on here, clothing wise. I think I’m looking at some kind of leather skort connected to a pair of redundant shoulder straps? You can’t see it from the back, but those straps go no where – they’re just connected to her shoulders. Sort of like those shirts you had in the 90s where a fake vest was sewn on to the front to make it look like you were wearing a vest? All that’s missing is a pair of suede cut-off cowboy ankle booties!

Krusten’s (drowsy-fingered typo that stays) janky haute NO-ture is making me feel so many things, and my brain isn’t sure which though to land on, so I’ve just decided to itemize all my thoughts. Keep it simple, right?

1. Kristen Stewart looks like a rollerskating waitress at a fake 50s diner meets The Hunger Games

2. Kristen Stewart looks like a an S&M candy striper

3. Kristen Stewart looks like one of my Barbies when I tried to make a dress out of an old vinyl placemat

4. Kristen Stewart looks like Penny Robinson from Lost In Space if Lost In Space was set in a goth club

I think that just about covers it. She also kind of reminds me of a trash bag figure skater, but that’s not even technically a thing, so it was cut from the list. Here’s more of Kristen being Kristen (Doge says: “Wow, much moody, so shrug“) at the Apple store last night:

Pics: Splash

What In Project Runway Secret Bedazzled Bike Shorts Hell?

On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”

It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.

But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.

Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Zoe Saldana Wore Some Kind Of Backwards White Thong To The Premiere Of “Guardians Of The Galaxy”

Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, and for some reason Zoe Saldana showed up wearing one of Jane Fonda’s old high-waisted workout thongs over a sequinned skirt. I’m so confused. Doesn’t she know that if you’re going to wear a rib-grazing throwback thong, you need to give it the attention it deserves? Maybe you wear it over a pair of thick brown Hooters girl tights, but that’s it. Besides, a pair of high-waisted coochie-stranglers aren’t a fashion statement; they’re a symbol. A symbol that represents the Van Halen groupies and Daytona Beach strippers and the 90s beer commercial girls and all the other glamorous raunchy sluts across this great nation. Show some respect for your foreskanks, Zoe! Even Miley Cyrus knows that a front wedgie (NSFW-ish) is an honor and a privilege.

But I will say this – I do enjoy that if you cover the top half of her body and her legs, it looks like a t-bone steak that Liberace would order (“Extra glitter with a side of pizzazz, please”).

Here’s more of Zoe making the questionable decision to wear her underwear on the outside of her clothes but her bra underneath at the GotG premiere last night. Also there was former-pudding bodied hottie Chris Pratt with his muscle-hating wife Anna Faris, a very Tom Cruise-looking Bradley Cooper, and Vin Diesel, who must have huffed the exhaust fumes from his limo on the way there, because he was serving some wasted uncle at the family reunion realness.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com