The September issue of British Vogue may feature black activists on the cover, but inside it features everyone’s favorite (insert groans here) rich white woman Gwyneth Paltrow who wrote a personal essay about that time she brought the phrase “conscious uncoupling” to the masses when she and Chris Martin broke up. Gwyneth didn’t only bring up “conscious uncoupling” once again, she also once again talked about why her marriage to Chris Martin ended after 11 years. And well, at least this time she didn’t gross some people out by referring to Chris as her brother.
Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had a baby girl and named her “Apple”? APPLE! It was one of the first ever truly ridiculous celebrity baby names. Without Apple, we wouldn’t have X Æ A-12. A true pioneer. Well, prepare to feel old, because little Apple just turned 16. Gwyneth hopped on Instagram, and shared some rare photos of her doppelganger-daughter in a special birthday post.
The One World: Together at Home global concert event happened last night, featuring a ton of celebrities who, at some point, got tired of staring at the wall and instead decided to mic up, find the part of their house that looks the least opulent, and croak out some of your favorite karaoke tunes (mostly, sans fards) in real-time. It raised more than $127 million to fight coronavirus, and yes, Ellen DeGeneres found a way to piss people off… during a charity show. It’s a gift!
Many have been saying that Saturday Night Live has been phoning it in for a while, and well, last night, they Zoomed it in (sort of). Because of the obvious, the SNL cast can’t get together, so they did the show from their homes. And like the rest of us, I had nothing better to do last night, so I checked up on it and found “COVID-19 survivor“ Tom Hanks rising out of the pits of corona hell to open the show.
Usually when Golden Retrievers get mad, they sulk. But Chris Martin surprised everybody by whining, even growling a little, at a couple of overeager autograph seekers who yelled to him after a charity concert at the Palladium in L.A. on Monday night. No need to send Chris for rabies testing or anything, according to TMZ, he eventually calmed down and signed the fucking autographs anyway. Yes, Chris cussed! So now we know, even Golden Retrievers have their limits.
I just hate it when wealth, fame, and nepotism are wasted on the bland and boring. Dakota Johnson recently celebrated her 30th birthday with a big party in Malibu over the weekend. If my mom and dad were fucking icons, and I was dating a rock/popstar, even if it was Chris Martin, I’d sure as hell be having a legendary party and the highlight wouldn’t be a birthday cake in the shape of my dog with a couple of sparklers sticking out of it. The highlight would be a mound of coke in the shape of my dog, from which my actual dog jumps out holding sparklers. What Malibu baker is going to say no to Don Johnson’s daughter?! But that’s not how Dakota rolls. According to People, Dakota’s party involved a lot of hugging and chatting with her boyfriend’s ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow. And somebody invited Sean Penn. Yuck!