Scene: A glamorous woman, draped head-to-toe in luxurious satin, supine on a velvet settee. She reaches behind her to pick up a vintage mid-century telephone, inlaid with mother of pearl.
Hello, have I reached Nobu? I’d like to reserve your most conspicuous table please. One more small request, I’d like to order dessert ahead. Off-menu of course. Yes, thank you, I’ll have seven servings of revenge, served ice cold. That will be all.
M’aam. Like I said before, this is a Wendy’s.
Goddamit, HILDY! (shouted indelicately into the mansion’s cavernous void) Get me a fucking table at Nobu and tell all them kids to put on some fucking shoes, we’re going out.
That’s how I imagine things went down at Angelina Jolie’s house when she read the news that the father of her children, Brad Pitt, went public with his (probable) new, much younger girlfriend, in the pettiest way possible: by allowing them to get papped on their way to stay at his and Angelina’s old love-shack in France, Chateau Miraval. The place they were married by the same private judge who is currently presiding over their protracted divorce (and to whom Angelina objects).
The jig is up! 56-year-old William Bradley Pitt’s been caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. This particular cookie jar belongs to 27-year-old German model Nicole Poturalkski who was seen kissing William Bradley as the pair traveled by private jet from Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris to his Chateau Miraval estate in the south of France. Yes, the same estate where the judge who Brad’s mostly ex-wife Angelina Jolie is trying to get fired from their divorce case, married them back in 2014. Oh, and by the way, Nicole is said to look a touch like Angie. Wow, did you feel that? I don’t know about you but I just felt the temperature in the air drop by like 20 degrees. Because while Angie might not give a shit, I’m sure Odile Soudant, the French lighting designer who is currently suing Brad for credit on the work she did on Chateau Miraval, is none too pleased! A pox upon your (electrical) box, Pitt!
Things just took a turn for the spooky in Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s divorce saga. According to Page Six, Brad has some skeletons in his closet and I’m not talking about a cardboard cutout of Angie that he uses as a voodoo doll. A source tells Page Six that Angelina’s most recent volley, asking for the private judge that’s presiding over their divorce case to be dismissed, is indicative of the “love-hate” feelings she has for Brad and is effectively helping to “keep the focus off some skeletons in his own closet.” Now before your imagination runs wild like mine did, I can tell you that it’s not that Brad is actually completely bald under all those hats, it’s stuff we already know. It’s Brad’s penchant for avoiding personal responsibility when his artistic delusions blow up in his face.
56-year-old Brad Pitt and 45-year-old Angelina Jolie split up in September 2016 after pushing through two years of marriage and spending over a decade together. And yet it seems like this divorce is lasting longer than all of that because we’re now back in a full-swing divorce-battle narrative and this is their, what?–Third? Fourth? There were two stories about them “getting along” and going to family therapy in the last three months alone. At this point, it would be more effective to drop both of them in a locked room with one sword and see who comes out. But this is a civilized society, so instead, it’s time for more “sources” to sling shit at each other. One source is saying that Brad is ready for a long, hard fight and another source is saying that Angelina is desperate to finalize this thing.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s long-term divorce has, once again, gotten messier than the reviews of By The Sea, when Angelina abruptly requested their latest judge be dismissed from their case. Angelina thought something shady was going on between their judge, Judge John W. Ouderkirk, and Brad’s attorneys, Anne C. Kiley and Lance Spiegel. Angelina’s lawyers argued that Brad’s team didn’t disclose the close working relationship they had with Judge John, and therefore might have some kind of sneaky secret alliance that would inevitably work to Brad’s benefit in negotiations. Brad’s team has responded to Angelina’s legal conspiracy theory. They say that – please hold for a truly unexpected plot twist – Judge Ouderkirk is the judge who married Angelina and Brad back in 2014.
It feels like we’ve been watching the longest, most-dramatic Hollywood divorce miniseries play out in real-time for nearly four years now, and just when you think we’re zeroing in on the final episode, a plot twist is revealed, and it’s clear that we’re in for at least another six months of drama. Earlier this week we learned that Angelina Jolie wanted to remove the private judge who was assigned to oversee her divorce proceedings with Brad Pitt. Now Page Six is reporting that Angelina has a problem with their judge because she thinks Brad Pitt might be using said judge to his advantage.