Apple Martin Made Her Debut As A “Chanel Girl” At Paris Fashion Week
In the year of our Lord 2008, the late Karl Lagerfeld met 4-year-old Apple Martin, the blessed daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. At that meeting, the prophet Karl declared that, one day, the baby Apple would grow up to be a Chanel girl. Yesterday, Karl’s prediction came true. People reports that 18-year-old Apple made her Paris Fashion Week debut in head-to-toe Chanel, sitting front row of the fashion house’s haute couture show. Somewhere, deep in the rankest depths of hell, Karl weeps. “It came true! It came true!” His moment of triumph is interrupted by a smack in the head by Satan himself: “Quit crying and get back to work, bitch! This lap ain’t gonna dance on itself…”
Alec Baldwin Got Mad Over The Criticism Of An Instagram Caption He Wrote About His Wife And 6-Year-Old Son
Apparently, Alec Baldwin’s home is run with the same chaotic energy that reportedly led to the dangerous working conditions on the set of Rust which enabled Alec to hold a loaded gun that led to the death of someone. Under normal circumstances, a high-profile individual facing a federal manslaughter rap will be urged by council and common decency to shut the hell up and let their legal team do the talking. However, the denizens of Casa De Baldwinitos are apparently immune to both. So you’ve got Hilaria Baldwin running around the streets of New York City looking for anyone with a camera at which to scream, “dios mio, leave mi familia alone!” while wearing a sweatshirt from her new collaboration with Kanye West called Last Word(s).
Open Post: Hosted By The Turkey Terrorizing A Neighborhood In Coon Rapids, Minnesota
Gerald–the territorial park turkey from Oakland–waddled so an even more evil wild turkey named Reggie and/or Gladys (depending on who’s begging for mercy) from Coon Rapids, Minnesota could…waddle faster! And ruin people’s day. Mostly that, actually. Because residents of a Coon Rapids mobile home park have been stalked and attacked by the pissed-off poultry that’s taken up residence there for the last two years and want the proper authorities to relocate it, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.
Who Is December’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
Now that the Oscar nominations are out of the way, we can finally get to a contest that truly matters! And if 2022 was a trash year for you, then I apologize for reminding you of its existence. Because it’s time to vote for the final Hot Slut of the Month of 2022. December’s HSOTM showdown royale is down to a holiday legend of sorrowful glamour, my favorite MMA fighter who was never an MMA fighter, Mother Nature’s dream house, and a dominatrix who continued to prove that the F in Florida stands for Fuckery. The first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth is a wild card picked by me. Your choices for December are:
Stephanie Zinone’s Christmas Tree Dress, the haute couture masterpiece (Schiaparelli wishes!) that Michelle Pfeiffer wears in Grease 2 as she goes from singing about winter to bringing the raw emotion while yodeling about a true love lost. Those were the days when the toxic fumes wafting off of lead-based Christmas tree tinsel could make you hallucinate a dream ballet with the hot piece you thought was dead!
Waffle House Wendy (formerly known as Waffle House Girl), the employee of a Waffle House in Austin, TX who became a Not The One icon when she effortlessly caught a chair and tossed it to the side during a fight with customers. And I should’ve said “former employee” since Waffle House Wendy (real name: Halie Booth) was fired after her supervisors wrote her up for property damage. Whatever, who needs Waffle House when I’m sure she’ll easily land a lucrative job as the stage bouncer at this year’s Oscars.
Kenner’s Tree Tots Family Tree House, the tree house playset from the 70s that brought hours of simple entertainment and had Fisher-Price’s Little People shaking in their little people boots with fear.
Mistress Krave, the dominatrix who got some easy promo for her Miami S&M club by attending a Fort Lauderdale City Council meeting where she demanded $250,000 in taxpayer money to build a dungeon. Mistress Krave was denied, but I’m sure later, those city council members slipped her private donation checks as they dropped to their pitiful knees while saying, “Apologies, mistress,” before tongue-polishing her boots.
Voting is below. This is a fast one since December’s HSOTM champion will be crowned this Friday, January 27th.
Pics: Paramount Pictures, Twitter, Worthpoint, Krave Miami/The Daily Mail
After Tim Allen Said He’d Never Flash Anyone, An Old Clip Resurfaced Of Him Flashing His “Home Improvement” Co-Star During A Taping
Over the weekend, Variety released an excerpt from Pamela Anderson’s upcoming memoir, Love Pamela, in which Pam claimed that Tim Allen flashed her on her first day of filming Home Improvement. Pam wrote that she was walking out of his dressing room when Tim, who was in the hallway, opened up his robe and flashed his dick at her. He allegedly said it was only fair, cuz he’d seen a then-23-year-old Pam naked in Playboy. Now they were “even” (*shudder*). Obviously, Tim denied that, saying,”No, it never happened. I would never do such a thing.” But today, TMZ posted an old Home Improvement blooper where he “jokingly” flashed his co-star, Patricia Richardson. And when he lifted his kilt (I guess Home Improvement did a Scottish episode?), Tim displayed zero hesitation or regret. This is a man who knows his way around a flash!
Tom Brady Dropped A Whole Bunch Of F-Bombs After Being Asked About Retirement….Again
Now that Tom Brady‘s Risk-It-All season has come to an end, this is the perfect time for him to finally sit down with his favorite femme fatale, football, and break her heart gently by letting her know he’s ready to move on. However, Tom is a stubborn brat, and he will not be pleased until he proves to everyone he’s the BEST football player the world has ever known. And if you DARE ask him about that pesky little R word “retirement,” he is going to transform into Tom the Tasmanian devil and light that ass up with a few phrases that basically mean, “Leave me the fuck alone!”