Category: Hot Slut of the Month

Who Is December’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

January 24, 2023 / Posted by:

Now that the Oscar nominations are out of the way, we can finally get to a contest that truly matters! And if 2022 was a trash year for you, then I apologize for reminding you of its existence. Because it’s time to vote for the final Hot Slut of the Month of 2022. December’s HSOTM showdown royale is down to a holiday legend of sorrowful glamour, my favorite MMA fighter who was never an MMA fighter, Mother Nature’s dream house, and a dominatrix who continued to prove that the F in Florida stands for Fuckery. The first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth is a wild card picked by me. Your choices for December are:

Stephanie Zinone’s Christmas Tree Dress, the haute couture masterpiece (Schiaparelli wishes!) that Michelle Pfeiffer wears in Grease 2 as she goes from singing about winter to bringing the raw emotion while yodeling about a true love lost. Those were the days when the toxic fumes wafting off of lead-based Christmas tree tinsel could make you hallucinate a dream ballet with the hot piece you thought was dead!

Waffle House Wendy (formerly known as Waffle House Girl), the employee of a Waffle House in Austin, TX who became a Not The One icon when she effortlessly caught a chair and tossed it to the side during a fight with customers. And I should’ve said “former employee” since Waffle House Wendy (real name: Halie Booth) was fired after her supervisors wrote her up for property damage. Whatever, who needs Waffle House when I’m sure she’ll easily land a lucrative job as the stage bouncer at this year’s Oscars.

Kenner’s Tree Tots Family Tree House, the tree house playset from the 70s that brought hours of simple entertainment and had Fisher-Price’s Little People shaking in their little people boots with fear.

Mistress Krave, the dominatrix who got some easy promo for her Miami S&M club by attending a Fort Lauderdale City Council meeting where she demanded $250,000 in taxpayer money to build a dungeon. Mistress Krave was denied, but I’m sure later, those city council members slipped her private donation checks as they dropped to their pitiful knees while saying, “Apologies, mistress,” before tongue-polishing her boots.

Voting is below. This is a fast one since December’s HSOTM champion will be crowned this Friday, January 27th.

Pics: Paramount Pictures, Twitter, Worthpoint, Krave Miami/The Daily Mail


Who Is November’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

December 7, 2022 / Posted by:

The past two Hot Slut of the Months have been animal saviors who heroically saved furry friends from a drowning death. I don’t think we will complete the animal savior trifecta with November’s HSOTM showdown. Unless you count Paula Abdul as a sparkly savior who saved us from drowning in the boredom of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Usually, an HSOTM contest is made up of three finalists, who got the most Facebook likes, and a fourth picked by me. This month, because of a Facebook-like tie, there are five HSOTM choices to choose from. So prepare to feel your brain shake with the pressure of choosing an HSOTM out of ALL these extra choices (read: just one)!

The Rear Window Car Louver, the car accessory of pure elegance that lets other drivers on the road know that you’re a climate change activist (because those shades keep cars cooler) and a purveyor of auto sophistication.

The Stick-Horse Riding Owl, the owl who gave the people of a Eureka, Ilinois neighborhood a rodeo show in the sky by flying around on a stick horse. Giddyup, giddyup, cowboy owl (cowbowl?)! Yeeeee-WHOOOOWHOOO!

Pringles Pop Box, the little plastic carrying case that held a couple of servings of Pringles, which doesn’t make sense since everyone knows that “one serving” of Pringles is “an entire can that you deep throat into your stomach bag!

Darcie, the dachshund who faced a GREAT MIGHTY WALL (read: a baby gate her human set up) before her and easily conquered that bitch by using her dog brother Benson as a step stool and jumping over it. I bet the ghost of Constantine the Great is happy that Darcie and Benson weren’t around back then because if they were, she would’ve easily bounced over the Walls of Constantinople.

Paula Abdul’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Performance, the tap-synching sequined-covered acid trip EXTRAVAGANZA that Paula Abdul delivered in front of a Jennie-O turkey float. My Thanksgiving Morning cardio was biting my nails as Paula Abdul’s dancers picked her ass up and carried her through the air. Paula is an American treasure and messy icon, they needed to slap a bedazzled “Handle With Care” sign on her!

Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be named in Crumbs and in this space next Wednesday. December 14!

UPDATE: The Stick-Horse Riding Owl was on Paula Abdul’s sequins-covered Thanksgiving Day Parade ass, but her backup dancers (and your votes!) carried her on to a way. Paula Abdul’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Performance is November’s HSOTM after getting almost 34% of your votes, and she’ll tap-synch her way to the Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals. Thanks to all who voted!

Pics: Reddit, Facebook, Reddit, YouTube, Twitter


Who Is October’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

November 15, 2022 / Posted by:

Colin Mitchell, the UPS driver whose hotness was sextupled when we all found out that he saved two dogs from possible drowning while delivering packages, has won September’s Hot Slut of the Month showdown and will go on to the Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals. And in October’s HSOTM battle royale, we’ve got another human hero to animalkind who will try to repeat Colin Mitchell’s win for pet saviors. As usual, the first three choices for this month’s HSOTM contest got the most Facebook likes, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for October are:

Ariel Elias, the stand-up comedian who brilliantly handled two annoying hecklers who were more of a pain in the ass than a burst hemorrhoid, and kept asking her if she voted for Biden in the last POTUS election. Eventually, Ariel’s comebacks pissed off the hecklers, and one threw a beer at her, which she picked up and guzzled down since nothing quenches the thirst like MAGA tears.

747, the current reigning champion of 2022 Fat Bear Week who gained many more fans by gaining hundreds of pounds in chunk for hibernation season. And while many were impressed by 747 gaining hundreds of pounds of chunk, some of us will be saying, “pfft, amateur,” to him next week after gaining hundreds of pounds of chunk in one Thanksgiving afternoon.

PeeWee, the mixed bull terrier who is deaf and won a million hearts thanks to the videos of him responding to his human’s sign language commands.

Michael Ross, the Colin Mitchell of Florida who isn’t a UPS driver but did save a furry friend from being devoured by water. During Hurricane Ian, Colin went into the rising waters to rescue a cat clinging to an A/C unit. If these dudes keep saving animals (which I hope they do), my doctor is going to be really confused at my next check-up. “Hmmm, your heart seems to be beating this time. It never does that!

Voting is below. October’s HSOTM will be crowned in this space and in Crumbs on Tuesday, November 22!

UPDATE: Another savior to animals takes the win because Michael Ross is our new HSOTM after getting almost 36% of the votes. Thanks to all who voted!

Pics: Twitter, NPS, Instagram, Twitter


Who Is September’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

October 17, 2022 / Posted by:

Billy, the pussy who ignored Paper Lace’s advice and decided to be a hero by saving his human from a scary heart attack situation, won August’s Hot Slut of the Month battle by getting nearly 47% of the votes. Will Billy be able to bring the Hot Slut of the Year crown back to catmanity (the one and only HSOTY cat winner was Spaghetti Cat in 2008)?! That is the question, but Billy may get some help in bringing the HSOTY back to the hot pussies of the world from Eclipse, the alleged Chicken McNugget-thieving cat, who is up for September’s HSOTM. As always, the first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes, and the fourth was picked by me. Your choices for September are:

Colin Mitchell, the hot, bearded UPS driver from Iowa whose hotness hit peak chonies-destroying levels when he rescued two dogs from possibly drowning. While making a delivery, Colin noticed two dogs in the yard pool and he got a weird feeling about it. When he investigated, he noticed that the dogs were trapped in the pool by its solar cover and so he saved them! In possibly related news, dog costume sales are up 400000% among thirsty Iowa hos who own a pool.

Sheryl Lee Ralph’s Emmy Speech, the instantly iconic speech, complete with an opening number, that Sheryl Lee Ralph gave while accepting the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for her performance in Abbott Elementary. In definitely related news, knee surgeries are up 400000%from how hard people stood up and clapped for Sheryl Lee Ralph’s Emmy-winning Emmy speech!

Eclipse, the cat who was accused by her human of stealing Chicken McNuggets! But I’m sure that Eclipse will eventually be found not guilty in a cat court of law, because well, in a cat court of law, you’re innocent even if proven guilty.

La Bussi, Spain’s new transportation mascot and a new power bottom icon!

Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be crowned in a week on Monday, October 24!

UPDATE: It’s kind of hard to vote against a hot piece in shorty shorts who saved dogs, so of course, Colin Mitchell won your votes and hearts! Colin is our new HSOTM and will go on to the Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals next year. Thanks to all who voted!

Pics: KTIV, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter


Who Is August’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

September 27, 2022 / Posted by:

Freya, the iconic lounging and boat-sinking walrus queen who is now lounging and sinking boats in heaven, easily won July’s Hot Slut of the Month, getting 46% of the votes. Freya may be the front runner going into next year’s HIGHLY IMPORTANT Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals, but there are still five HSOTMs to crown including August’s. The eighth HSOTM battle of 2022 has come down to a universal treasure’s gift to dogs, two pussy heroes, and an instant American icon! As always, the first three HSOTM choices got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth is a wild card picked by me. Your choices for August are:

The Doggy Parton Wig, the $13 Dolly wig that’s one of the stars of Dolly Parton’s line of pet stuff called Doggy Parton. The Doggy Parton wig will go down in history as the best use of polyester hair! And any dog will wear it with glamorous pride, which is what that Chihuahua model is feeling in the pic above. Or maybe that Chihuahua is screaming “Ayúdame” with their eyes. Either or.

Bandit, the cat from Mississippi who noticed robbers trying to break in with a crowbar, and instead of listening to her chaotic evil instincts and opening the door for them with a diabolical smile, she did the opposite. Bandit woke up her human who went into the kitchen and turned on the lights, scaring off the robbers. Leave it to a cat to go against her name by taking down actual bandits!

Billy, another heroic pussy who saved his human. Billy sensed that one of his humans was going through something bad as she slept, so he woke her up by pounding on her chest with his paws. Turns out that she had a heart attack in her sleep and Billy saved her. August must unofficially be Plot Twist Month because it’s the month when two pets have pulled a Lassie and both are cats!

The Hot Dog Straw, the ingenious invention that a Yankees fan showed off during a game. If you’re not sucking beer out of a hot dog’s slit, can you even call yourself American?

Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be crowned in this space and in Crumbs on Friday, September 30!

UPDATE: The Doggy Parton Wig was on Billy’s tail (not really) but Billy pulled through and is August’s Hot Slut of the Month champion! Thanks to all who voted.

Pics: Doggy Parton, Thomas Wells/Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal, YouTube, Twitter


Who Is July’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

August 23, 2022 / Posted by:

July 2022 may feel like it was 145 years ago (or 145 seconds ago, depending on how your summer is going), but let’s go back to the seventh month of the year to vote for who will be its Hot Slut of the Month. And this HSOTM contest is a highly HISTORIC one because usually we have four finalists and this time we have five thanks to a tie. So mark this day. And there’s also a posthumous HSOTM finalist among your choices. Sadly, Queen Freya was cruelly killed by Norweigan officials after humans wouldn’t leave her alone and she was seen as a threat to human safety. Well, Freya is the opposite of a threat here, unless you’re talking about her threatening us with a boat-sinking leisurely time.

The first four HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes, and the fifth was picked by me. I went with the glorious tombstone peen topper because I permanently have dick on the brain. Your choices for July are:

Freya, the walrus who left her home in the Arctic due to clime change and went on a tour through Europe where she elegantly lounged on boats, sometimes sinking them, and became an IT girl of Norway. And as I sadly mentioned above, Freya is now peacefully sinking boats and luxuriously napping in a human-less heaven.

Bonnie Closier, the dog who went missing from her house in England and later turned up after winning third prize in a dog beauty contest. Seriously, excuse Bonnie’s beauty, because she’s winning beauty pageants without even trying!

ATM Kitty, the kitten who somehow got trapped in an ATM in Texas and needed rescuing. Hopefully, ATM Kitty is now sipping sparkling catnip water on a tropical beach after rejoining her gang of thieving kittens who got away with all the cash they stole from that ATM. Yes, I’m guessing that’s why ATM kitty was in that ATM in the first place.

The Time Capsule Burger King, the Burger King at Concord Mall in Wilmington, DE that closed in 2006 and was hidden behind a wall until a video tour of it went viral and reminded us all of the sophisticated fast food decors of the late-80s.

Doña Cata’s Tombstone Peen Monument, the giant statue of a dick that is the grave ornament of Mexican great-abuelita, Doña Cata. Before Doña Cata died at 99, she told her family that her dying wish was for them to erect a tribute to vergas (Mexican slang for dick) on her gravestone. She always saw the verga as a symbol of strength and it was her family emblem of sorts. They smartly made her wish come true and now she’s holding court in a Mexican cemetary as the Queen of Vergas!

Voting is below! The winning HSOTM will be crowned in this space and in Crumbs on Monday, August 29.

UPDATE: Freya, the Queen of Lounging and Sinking Ships, is now July’s Hot Slut Queen. Freya easily won with nearly 46% of the votes. Thanks to all who voted!

Pics: Twitter, Paula Closier, New Castle County Government, Facebook, Twitter


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