Category: Apple Martin

During Gwyneth Paltrow’s Ski Accident Trial, Her Team Deployed Visual Aids And Her Daughter Recalled Her Getting A Massage After The Crash

March 29, 2023 / Posted by:

As day 6,506 seven of Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski accident trial continues to snowplow its way towards justice, and hopefully, hot toddies all around, no expense has been spared on either side. In the life-or-ego-death battle to determine which rich white person ran into the other on that fateful day in 2016, in which Gwyneth alleges she lost a half day of skiing and her accuser, Terry Sanderson, alleges he lost half of his mind, we’ve watched as a parade of expert witnesses racked up the billable hours to so far prove that something abominable happened on the mountain that day.

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Apple Martin Made Her Debut As A “Chanel Girl” At Paris Fashion Week

January 24, 2023 / Posted by:

In the year of our Lord 2008, the late Karl Lagerfeld met 4-year-old Apple Martin, the blessed daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. At that meeting, the prophet Karl declared that, one day, the baby Apple would grow up to be a Chanel girl. Yesterday, Karl’s prediction came true. People reports that 18-year-old Apple made her Paris Fashion Week debut in head-to-toe Chanel, sitting front row of the fashion house’s haute couture show. Somewhere, deep in the rankest depths of hell, Karl weeps. “It came true! It came true!” His moment of triumph is interrupted by a smack in the head by Satan himself: “Quit crying and get back to work, bitch! This lap ain’t gonna dance on itself…”

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