I’m not sure how many times Tom Brady got sacked this year during his wack-ass football season, but apparently, it’s affecting what little brain cells he has left. Since he and his true love, football, will be apart for the next seven months, questions about his retirement are finally causing his clean-cut image to get a little dirty. And now he’s taking his frustrations out on his children, 15-year-old Jack (his son with Bridget Moynahan) and 13-year-old Benjamin Rein, and 10-year-old Vivian Lake (his children with Gisele Bundchen) by revealing he’s ready for them to experience a little bit of failure in their lives as well because he believes it will help them build character.

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When Kathy Hilton said too much about Paris Hilton’s difficult fertility journey back in November, Paris quickly grabbed the mic from her simpleminded mom and clarified that she and her husband, Carter Reum, both 41, planned to enjoy their first year of marriage before cooking up one of their IVF embryos in 2023. And here we are! 2023 has only barely kicked in the door (although this January feels like it’s never going to end), and just like she promised, Paris and Carter have a new baby, and it’s a boy!

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Bentley The Microwave Cat!

The words “microwave cat” may make you scream, “What in ALF cookbook HELL?” but nobody’s nuking Bentley! Bentley, who lives with his humans in Oregon, has felt the warm, comforting embrace of that radiation box and tasted its deliciously greasy walls, and instantly fell in love. But sadly, Bentley has been separated from his true love since pussy + microwave = a disaster waiting to happen. Bentley’s humans have now put a catproof lock on the microwave, keeping them apart. Don’t you just hate it when a love story ends in tragedy? Not since Romeo + Juliet…

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Jonathan Majors says that he spent four months shoveling a massive 6,100 calories into his eating hole every single day to bulk up to play an aspiring bodybuilder loner in the movie Magazine Dreams. Never mind that The Rock is probably thinking “amateur” since his meaty muscly farts are worth more calories than that, but some of us are also not impressed since 6,100 calories is a light lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. And that’s without dessert! – Variety

And in other Magazine Dreams news filed under NOT A GOOD LOOK, a recent screening of it at Sundance led to jurist Marlee Matlin and the other jurors quitting that bitch and walking out when the festival failed to provide captioning for her – People

Robin Wright must have thought to herself, “Hmm, what’s a decision I can make that’s almost as bad as the time I went to bat for Kevin Spacey?” Because she is probably rubbing her parts all over Sean Penn’s charbroiled ham hocks yet again – Celebitchy

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I’m sure Diablo Cody is somewhere laughing her ass off (see also: replacement sucker Erin Cressida Wilson) at the news that Universal Pictures has scrapped the planned Madonna-directed Madonna biopic she attempted to help Madonna write starring Madonna-approved Madonna Julia Garner. Good thing then that after spending months alone in a room with Madonna trying to convince her that the studio won’t accept vibes in lieu of a script, Diablo knows that asses will come and go. If Diablo can’t find her original ass, she can just go out and get a new one. So it wasn’t a complete waste of her time.

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