Gerald–the territorial park turkey from Oakland–waddled so an even more evil wild turkey named Reggie and/or Gladys (depending on who’s begging for mercy) from Coon Rapids, Minnesota could…waddle faster! And ruin people’s day. Mostly that, actually. Because residents of a Coon Rapids mobile home park have been stalked and attacked by the pissed-off poultry that’s taken up residence there for the last two years and want the proper authorities to relocate it, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.
We were warned. 22 years ago Fabio was struck in the face by a goose while riding a roller coaster and in the aftermath, he warned us that if something wasn’t done, this type of tragedy would happen again. Possibly injuring a child, or even worse, striking down some other flaxen-haired god in his prime. Yet did we listen? Did we ban birds from the airspace above theme parks? No, we did not. And Fabio’s second-worst fear has come to pass. A child has been struck in the face by a seagull while riding the SpringShot ride at Morey’s Piers in Wildwood, New Jersey. According to The Huffington Post, a 13-year-old girl named Kiley Holman was largely unhurt physically, but if she’s anything like Fabio, the emotional scars may last a lifetime.