Attention enthusiasts know that the Emmys are a tasteful affair; you’ve got to balance out your ass with some class. Thankfully, Ariel Winter showed everyone last night how to do it. Ariel came in a dress by Steven Khalil featuring not one, but two crotch-high leg slits. Angelina, who? I’m sure her dress was very expensive, so for those of you hoping to find the look for less, I would probably suggest Craigslist the day after the next AVN awards.
A blank table, non-processed food and a bartender screaming “last call” are just a few things that Sandra Lee hates. You can now add “Paul Ryan” to that list. Sandra was doing a cooking segment on Fox & Friends last week and House Speaker Paul Ryan was also on the show. The rumor from Page Six went that Fox & Friends’ hosts asked Paul to stay for Sandra Lee’s cooking segment, but like Nicole Kidman and Giada’s focacca, she wanted nothing to do with him and shooed him away. A source said then that to Sandra, Paul Ryan is like a plain flour tortilla that hasn’t been covered with microwaved apricot jam, brie cheese and turkey lunch meat. He goes against everything she believes in.
Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.
And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”
I thought the Pope came to America to promote his mixtape, see Hamilton on Broadway and shoot a cameo on Empire. But now I know the real reason why. The Pope flew across the ocean to meet the First Lady of New York and the forever Queen of the Food Network Sandra Lee! Last night, Sandra Lee and her man Mr. Sandra Lee (aka Governor Andrew Cuomo) were at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC where Papal Franny led the evening prayer. Sandra, who recently declared that she’s cancer free, wrote on Facebook that at St. Patrick’s, one of the Pope’s minions summoned her over for a personal blessing from the King of Catholics.
Pope Francis personally blessed me last night at St. Patrick’s – he sent someone directly over to me to have me taken from my seat and brought to him. As he approached I could see a sparkle in his eyes, which were so warm and kind. As he stood in front of me he placed his thumb on my forehead and made the sign of the cross upon my skin.
That he even knew I was in the audience is overwhelmingly stunning to me as I did not greet him at the door with Andrew (the decision was made that no wives or significant others were to be included so I was certain I had missed my chance), but God works in mysterious ways!
Sandra Lee and the Pope are basically best friends now, because they met up again at a ceremony to honor the victims of 9/11.
I fully expect to see a very special episode of Semi-Homemade where the Pope guest stars and together they make spicy communion wafers out of Styrofoam peanuts and Tabasco sauce and fruity sacramental wine out of Hpnotiq and red vegetable dye.
Culinary genius, tablescape queen, savior to baby seals and the First Lady of New York, Sandra Lee, has breast cancer. QUICK! Put together a “Pray for Aunt Sandy” tablescape using taper candles in empty Hpnotiq bottles, plastic roses, a gin fountain made with an automatic pet waterer, a fairy princess doll that will scare the devil away and this picture of Sandra Lee in a frame decorated with corn nuts leftover from the Kwanzaa cake you made.
Sandra Lee was on Good Morning America today where she told Robin Roberts that her doctor diagnosed her with breast cancer after she got a routine mammogram. Sandra told People that thankfully doctors caught it early. She had the choice of treating it with radiation or a mastectomy. Sandra decided to get a double mastectomy and she’s doing it this week. She didn’t want to go through weeks and weeks of radiation therapy and doesn’t want to risk the chance of the breast cancer coming back. Aunt Sandy is 48 and apparently some doctors tell their patients that they can wait until 50 before getting regular mammograms. So Sandra is doing the interview circuit to let young women know that they shouldn’t wait until 50 to get screened:
“Girls in 20s and their 30s just have to know. And I don’t want women to wait. And that’s why I’m talking … If it saves one person, and makes one more person go get a mammogram, and if they’re sitting down right now watching this, don’t watch this TV. Go pick your phone up, and call your doctor and get your rear end in there and get a mammogram right now. You hear about it and it is always someone else, it’s a friend that you sent flowers to and you wish well and that you watch every single day like I watched you. And you were my hero. But I never thought I would be dealing with this.”
Get better, Sandy! We need you to get back to doing God’s work: Showing us how to get drunk on the cheap with class and style.
Most of us know Sandra Lee as the First Lady of New York and a culinary genius who can make a delicious and refreshing mojito out of stuff you have lying around the house like Lime-A-Way, mint-flavored mouthwash and leaves. But what we don’t know is that Sandra Lee is also a modern day Artemis. Case in point: She saved a baby seal this week!
Page Six says that the greatest thing to happen to the food world since taco-flavored Doritos (RIP) was strolling along the beach in Malibu on Tuesday morning when she noticed a distressed, washed-up creature who was probably heaving and gurgling in pain the way most people do after eating a slice of her world famous Kwanzaa cake. Usually when you see a blubbery, washed-up creature rolling around in distress on the beach in Malibu, you figure it’s just Charlie Sheen after snorting some bad coke again. But this time it was a baby seal in need. Sandra dropped the shells she planned to use in a future tablescape, put on her Captain Save-A-Ho hat and ran toward the baby seal.