Sad, Sad News For New Yorkers: Sandra Lee Is No Longer Your First Lady

September 26, 2019 / Posted by:

In 2018, the population of the State of New York was 19.54 million. Well, Wyoming, the good news for you is that you’re about to move up a spot from the bottom of the list, because New York will be the least populated state in the country since everyone is fleeing that bitch now that semi-homemade treasure Sandra Lee is no longer its First Lady after breaking up with her partner of 14 years Governor Andrew Cuomo, formerly known as Mr. Sandra Lee. Even the Statue of Liberty was seen packing up her Patagonia and moving on over to New Jersey.

The news that has made the rose happy (since it has once again taken the title of New York’s state flower after Sandra Lee left that position) was announced yesterday by reporter Zack Fink, who was given a statement by Sandra and Governor Cuomo. They announced that they have split up because their love has become a friendship. Translation: They’re no longer humping.

“Over the recent past, we have realized that our lives have gone in different directions and our romantic relationship has turned into a deep friendship. We will always be family and are fully supportive of each other and dedicated to the girls. Our personal lives remain personal and there will be no further comment.”

Unlike Sandra Lee’s legendary two-second Kwanzaa cake, the news of the fall of New York’s First Couple has been in the making for a little bit. The seeds of a split were planted a few months ago when Sandra and Governor Cuomo put their Westchester home, Lily Pond, on the market for $2 million. And a source tells People that they’ve been (cue a dramatic swell) LIVING SEPARATE LIVES, with Sandra caring for her sick uncle on the West Coast and Governor Cuomo doing governor stuff in New York.

“The couple spent the summer apart, as Andrew was tied to Albany [the New York capital] and Sandra has spent a lot of time on the West Coast caring for her uncle who has been diagnosed with colon cancer and a failing heart,” the source says. Lee took her uncle “on an extended bucket list trip.”

The source also says that Sandra, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015, has been in Los Angeles getting treatment for breast reconstruction complications. Sandra and Governor Cuomo will stay connected through one of his daughters who lives with Sandra in Manhattan.

So mourn the end of New York power couple CuLee by guzzling down a Statue of Liberty teardrop martini (basically some Hpnotiq with green food coloring) before putting together a CuLee break-up table scape made up of shattered Big Apples of sadness (read: apple Christmas tree ornaments, you know the ones, that you’ve stepped on a couple of times), sad Eastern Bluebirds (read: Michael’s-bought Styrofoam birds that you sloppily spray paint blue and draw on a tear using Wite-Out), and blood-stained white carpet (read: a flattened white Hostess Sno-Ball splattered with maraschino cherry juice) from broken hearts.

To think, if only Sandra Lee and Andrew Cuomo broke up before the Democratic primary last September Manhattan would not look like this currently (actual footage):

Because honestly, New Yorkers only voted for him so that Sandra Lee could be their First Lady again. So if they broke up then, Cynthia Nixon would’ve easily won and Rojo Caliente would’ve been the First Lady of New York. Pour me another Statue of Liberty teardrop martini.

Here’s pictures of New York’s former power couple throughout the years:


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