Open Post: Hosted By Nick Cannon Looking Like A Deranged Raver Bee On Acid 

August 13, 2018 / Posted by:

In other words, Nick Cannon has never looked hotter.

The 2018 Teen Choice Awards (known to us olds as The Annual Who’s Who Of Who Are These Fucking Children Gala) went down in L.A. yesterday, and as always, the dress code was “the fucked-up the better,” because teens always look a mess. Nick Cannon’s fashion philosophy is always, “If people’s brains don’t collapse into a puddle of WTF while looking at your outfit, you’re doing it wrong,” so he didn’t disappoint yesterday.

Nick brought his nipples out for the teens in a look that is what Bootsy Collins would put together if Bootsy Collins time-traveled back to the 90s and got a gig as one of Rico Suave’s back-up dancers. If you got a drop of Charlie Sheen’s blood during his coked-up tiger blood years and looked at it under a microscope, this is the hot-blooded neon foolery that would be looking right back at you. If Lisa Frank got into her ex-husband’s coke stash before designing the Olympic uniforms, this is what all the athletes would be wearing. What I’m saying is that Lisa Frank should definitely design the Olympic uniforms.

Nick Cannon is splattering our eyeballs with a lot of look and there’s really no calm place for your eyeballs to land, and yet my dick-hungry eyes are focused on the crotch area while lsearching for any sign of a peen print. “Does that blue tiger in the middle’s tongue look circumcised or not?” is a question I’ve actually asked myself today.


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