This morning, Netflix’s stock has been skydiving as it shit-tanks and plummets 34%. (“I know what will save us! A reality show about skydiving stocks!” said a Netflix executive) Netflix’s stock has fallen faster than my eyelids while trying to watch its Dollar Tree Lifetime movie starring Alyssa Milano. One of the reasons why Netflix’s shares have been crashing is because they announced that 200,000 subscribers have hit the I QUIT THIS BITCH button on their asses during the first quarter of this year. Hmmm, my guess is that those 200,000 people watched Netflix’s riveting television masterpiece Is This Cake? and thought, “You know, this is peak TV and nothing will ever top this again,” before canceling their subscription and dropping their TVs off at Goodwill. That must be it.
Vox says that Netflix hasn’t reported a subscriber loss since 2011. And they weren’t planning to report a loss this year either. Apparently, they thought they would open 2022 by adding 2 million new subscribers to their reported 221.64 million subscribers. But they got kicked right in the gooch after finding out they actually lost 200,000 subscribers instead. And they’ll probably get another hard kick to the gooch next quarter because another 2 million subscribers are expected to drop their asses.
Instead of adding more than 2 million subscribers in the first quarter of the year, as it predicted three months ago, it ended up losing 200,000. Even worse: Next quarter, Netflix expects to lose another 2 million subscribers.
Here’s one way you can tell how big a deal this: In an earnings call after announcing his company’s results, Co-CEO Reed Hastings said the company was going to eventually add an advertising-supported version of the service, which would be cheaper than its current ad-free version. Hastings has insisted for years that Netflix didn’t need to sell ads and that it was a better service because it didn’t do that.
And here’s more context: The last time Netflix actually lost subscribers was 2011 — after it bungled a move from DVD-mailing (go ahead and Google “Qwikster”) and tried hiking prices at the same time.
The New York Times says that in a letter to its shareholders, Netflix blamed the subscriber loss on all sorts of things like inflation, password-sharing, competition from the other 5 billion streaming services out there, and Putin’s attack on Ukraine, which led them to shut down its service in Russia. Surprisingly, Netflix didn’t also write in their letter of excuses, “Also, if Will Smith never slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars, this would’ve never happened!” Apparently, Netflix didn’t mention their recent price hike. This past January, Netflix raised its monthly basic plan from $8.99 to $9.99, its standard plan from $13.99 to $15.49, and its Ultra HD plan from $17.99 to $19.99.
As mentioned above, Netflix is planning to pull a Hulu and HBO Max by adding a cheaper plan with ads. They also plan to continue to crack down on all you shifty hos who share your password with your mother, father, auntie, weekend fuck buddy, the dude you just met at Starbucks, and on and on. Netflix is currently testing a feature in Chile, Costa Rica, and Peru where a primary account holder can add up to two users outside of their house for a small price.
See, this is what happens when Bridgerton has less fucking in it. NETFLIX CRUMBLES TO THE GROUND! Not to mention that they cancel good shows after one season but give us every kind of dating show imaginable. Well, one way for Netflix to make more money is for them to add a prompt that pops up every time you try to watch let’s say, Emily In Paris. That prompt should say: Our studies show that you’re going to need something mind-numbing to get through this mess. If you click OK below, a delivery person from your local weed shop will arrive on your doorstep in 10 minutes with some potent shit and it will be charged to your Netflix account. I’d click OK every time.