The Doomsday Clock (Big Ben, I assume) for the British Royal Family has been set to toll at the strike of midnight on January 10, 2023. For that is the day when Prince Harry’s memoir, confidently titled Spare, will be unleashed on the world and the secrets buried within those hallowed pages will spew forth and wreak havoc on Harry’s dad, King Charles III et al. melting their faces clean off their skulls like that poor unfortunate souls who dared look at the contents of the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Cause you know Chuckie Trips and his rag-tag crew of minimally employed relations are gonna peek. They won’t be able to help themselves!
Lindsay Lohan recently spoke with Vanity Fair about turning 30 (which happens tomorrow), and she talked about what the next chapter in her life holds. According to Lindsay Lohan, everyone’s favorite actress-turned-sloppy mess-turned-really sloppy mess-turned-future Mrs. Rich Russian Guy is writing a book. The people in charge of handing out Pulitzer Prizes should probably go ahead and start practicing how to engrave the name “LINDSAY DEE MORGAN (whatever her middle name is) LOHAN“, because they’ll be calling her freckled ass to the podium to collect all the awards sometime in the not-so-distant future.
Us Weekly says that Rizzoli Publishing, the poor unfortunate soul who drew the short straw when it came to deciding who would take one for the team and publish Selfish, recently released more information regarding Kim Kardashian’s book of drowsy porn face selfies, including a description of the book and an “About the Author”.
“About the Author” – HA! As if Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t dedicated her life to making sure we know everything about Kim from the top of her Botoxed forehead down to her Botoxed butt hole. But in the event you’re one of the lucky ones and you have no idea who Kim Kardashian is, allow Rizzoli to tell you all about the “author” of Selfish:
“A new mom to her daughter, North, and happily married to the rapper Kanye West, Kim Kardashian is on top of the world, and this collection of hand-picked images from her personal archive is a tribute to her fans who have supported her through her very highly publicized journey.”
Kanye usually gets the final say in everything Kim does, so I’m shocked that he didn’t call up Rizzoli and tell them he’d write the “About the Author” section himself. Or maybe he did!
“ABOUT THE AUTHOR – SHIT, I SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE AUTHOR! BITCH WAS ON THE COVER OF VOGUE! SHE’S THE MOST FAMOUS FASHION ICON OF ALL TIME! KIM MOTHERFUCKING KARDASHIAN! WIFE OF KANYE! MOTHER OF THAT CONFUSED-LOOKING BABY THAT I NAMED AFTER A DIRECTION!”
Here’s more of the future Margaret Atwood (may god strike me down for ever writing such blasphemy) having lunch with her kurrent husband Kanye this afternoon in New York, as well as looking like a slutty attorney last night.
Why did I just get the overwhelming desire for a hot shower, a visit to the clinic (STD, CDC, veterinary – it doesn’t matter), and a heavy-set school nurse to check my hair for lice? Actually, scratch that last one; I’m always in the mood for a nice, relaxing lice check (BRB – need to draw up a Shark Tank business idea for a kiosk in the mall that offers a 30-minute pretend lice check).
In what could potentially be just another April Fools joke (which almost got lost under the heavy pile of yearly Facebook statuses announcing fake pregnancies) former elfin heroin-shooting slut Russell Brand released a video on YouTube yesterday claiming that he’s begun work with illustrator Chris Riddell on a series of children’s books titled Russell Brand’s Trickster Tales. Brand says the Trickster Tales are his take on fairy tales, and according to Riddell: “Russell’s voice is unique – funny, wise and engaging. And there will be rats, lots and lots of rats!” Not surprisingly, the first book in the Trickster Tales series is Russell Brand’s interpretation of The Pied Piper of Hamelin (I’m crossing my fingers that it’s an updated version where the Pied Piper drives the Kardashian family of rats out of town).
But why children’s books? Well, go find something soft to pass out on, because Russell’s explanation will get you higher than deeply inhaling welding fumes:
“I’ll do interpretations of fairy stories and folk tales, believing them to be the code to unlock aspects of our consciousness and to affect and impact the way we see the world. Once we start changing the way children see the world, oh we can do all sorts of stuff.”
What in the name of Dr. Seuss’s glue-huffing junkie nephew? Did any of that make sense to you? Me neither! What the fuck is he talking about? I know he thinks he’s going to open the minds of a generation of booger-munchers, but someone needs to tell Green Eggs and Brand that kids aren’t that fucking deep. My favourite book when I was a kid was a plastic puffy bath book about mermaids, and once my brain finally developed, it was Where’s Waldo. If Russell really wants to reach kids, he should scrap the Trickster Tales and just hide a bunch of rats in a picture of a bumping’ vampire party.
The first time I read Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, it scared me so bad, that for 2 goddamned years I was afraid a no-good spider would birth her babies in my skin if I fell asleep. So I’m pouring out a Scooby Doo glass of lukewarm tap water for the poor unsuspecting rugrats who will no doubt have years of bone-chilling therapy sessions after reading a children’s book written by Keith Richards, a man who looks like a Ralph Steadman fever dream took a shit on the Boogeyman.
HuffPo says that the second most frightening-looking Rolling Stone (the first being Ronnie Wood) has signed a deal with Little, Brown Books for Young Readers to write “Gus & Me: The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar”, a story about Richards’s grandfather, Gus Dupree, which will be co-written by Barnaby Harris and Bill Shapiro, and illustrated by Keith’s daughter Theodora Richards.
Praise Cheetos that it’s a story about Lil’ Keith Richards, aka before he turned into a wrinkly heroin goblin, because I think current-day Keith Richards is legit too scary for kids under 10 (or people over 20 who’s drug hallucinations include scary old people). And double-praise the snack gods that he has two helpers who’s job it is to translate the gibberish Keith’s lizard brain burps out. Imagine if Keith Richards was left to his own devices and allowed to write the book himself? We’d get a 3-page pamphlet written on an airplane sick bag called ‘Countin’ Wif Keif’ and it would just be a collection of cigarette butts, lint-covered Viagra, and scabs.
And if Keith Richards wants to keep writing after he’s done his children’s book, I’d love to read a tell-all co-written by his liver.