The Doomsday Clock (Big Ben, I assume) for the British Royal Family has been set to toll at the strike of midnight on January 10, 2023. For that is the day when Prince Harry’s memoir, confidently titled Spare, will be unleashed on the world and the secrets buried within those hallowed pages will spew forth and wreak havoc on Harry’s dad, King Charles III et al. melting their faces clean off their skulls like that poor unfortunate souls who dared look at the contents of the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Cause you know Chuckie Trips and his rag-tag crew of minimally employed relations are gonna peek. They won’t be able to help themselves!
Meghan Markle And Prince Harry Are Reportedly Butting Heads With Netflix Over Cuts They Want To Make To Their Docuseries
Since America famously did an entire revolution so we wouldn’t have to concern ourselves with whatever it is King Charles III gets up to in his free time, it’s flummoxing to me that his son and his son’s wife, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, seem fixated on becoming the American Royalty they so obviously think we need, when we already have the Kardashians, the American Royalty we so obviously deserve. Our interest in The Sussexes is for entertainment purposes only, so if they’re not going to serve us up a heaping Hungry Man helping of revolutionary schadenfreude by reminding us why we bounced in the first place, then what use are they to us?
The season five premiere of Netflix’s The Crown is lurking just around the corner (November 9) ready to pop out and scream “OOGITY BOOGITY” at Britain’s new King Charles III which is just wrong given his age and general condition. He can barely tolerate holding a leaky fountain pen without screaming like a little bitch, so imagine what it’s going to be like for him to turn on the telly and see Dominic West’s weathered mug reminding the world that despite the fancy gold hat, he’s just a dude who got caught cheating on his wife. According to Salon, The Firm is nervous that The Crown will be focused on the interviews Charles and Princess Diana gave during that time, instead of on THE QUEEN who most likely spent the greater part of the 1980s and 90s tinkering with THE QUEEN-BOT she sent out to smile and wave while she hid out in the stables waiting for it all blow over.
Watch out Great Britain and its Commonwealth subsidiaries; there’s a new sheriff in town. And by sheriff, I of course mean unelected figurehead of an archaic, parasitic institution still perpetuating the myth of the divine right of kings. God’s newest special baby, King Charles III, ain’t your mum’s monarch. You won’t find old Chuckie Trips cooing at corgis and coddling his kids like his mother THE QUEEN. According to The Daily Beast, Chuckie Trips don’t play when it comes to his wayward son Prince Harry, and he’s about to get medieval on his ass. Or, more accurately, he’s reportedly prepared to go Prewar Era on Harry’s ass by having him “permanently exiled” from the kingdom, much like his great uncle King Edward VIII was after abdicating the throne in 1936. And Harry’s not the only Royal who might find themselves on the smooshy underside of Chuckie Trip’s iron fist. His brother Prince Andrew is reportedly stressed that Charles is going to kick him and his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson out of their 31-bedroom Royal Lodge house in Windsor now that mum isn’t around to shield him with her ample bosom. Damn, if I knew Charles was gonna be this ruthless, I wouldn’t have had all those ball caps made that read “Make The Crown That Bitch Again.”
THE QUEEN hasn’t even been laid to rest yet, but despite only having been king for less than a week, the Monarch Formerly Known as Prince Charles has already heralded in The British Royal Family’s flop age. Today, as THE QUEEN’s THE COFFIN made its procession through the streets of London to Westminster Hall followed by her children King Charles III, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne and Prince Edward, and her grandsons Prince William and Prince Harry, who managed to walk side-by-side without throwing elbows, The Guardian reports that “up to 100 employees at the King’s former official residence” were given “notice of their redundancy,” as King Chuckie Trips and Queen Consort Camila will be moving to Buckingham Palace. Which could prove disastrous from an optics standpoint given that Charles continues to have problems with unfamiliar office supplies and was nearly done in by a fancy fountain pen for a second time in this, the first week of the Carolean Age.
Prince Harry Paid Tribute To THE QUEEN In A Statement After Reuniting With Prince William For A Walkaround Outside Of Windsor Castle
Today, as the world’s most famous gran, THE QUEEN, is prepared to be laid to rest, her immediate family continue to be stiff weirdos about the whole thing so don’t expect any of them to make a scene (on purpose). All “scenes” have been carefully orchestrated and painstakingly choreographed from the costumes to the statements all the way down to the body language of THE QUEEN’s grandsons, the heir and the spare, Prince William and Prince Harry. Over the weekend, the two princes put the Spin in the Spin Doctors when they appeared side-by-side for the first time in public since Harry and his wife Meghan Markle stopped attending family functions due to security concerns, which is understandable if you are in the mafia, even a very genteel one.