Category: Nobody Asked
Paris Hilton Thought She Might Be Asexual Before Meeting Her Husband, Carter Reum
Paris Hilton exists in pop culture largely because of her sex tape from the early aughts, croaking “that’s hot” in her sexy baby voice at every opportunity, and her revolving door of relationships and engagements throughout the years. Though I’d believe Paris if she decided to come out as photosexual since she’s prone to eye-fuck any lens that points in her direction, it’s surprising that she says she considered herself asexual until she met her current husband/baby daddy, Carter Reum (FYI, the “ct” in the middle of his last name is invisible, but not silent!).
Open Post: Hosted By Joy Behar Saying That She’s Had Sex With Multiple Ghosts
Spooky Season is in full swing, and if Terrifier 2 making people faint and vomit wasn’t disturbing enough, now we have to find a way to reconcile the mental image of Joy Behar having sex. And not just sex with anyone–because like Paz de la Huerta, Anna Nicole Smith, and Bobby Brown who came (wah-wah-wee-wah!) before her–Joy has rubbed uglies with a ghost. And not just one, several.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s Marriage Certificate Is Finally Here!
Since the rebirth of the love story and eventual Vegas marriage of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Affleck (née, Jennifer Lopez), it seems like their publicity machine has been hard at work attempting to manufacture shits for anyone to give–just one solitary, single shit–but so far the most interesting thing about their union is that they’re the owners of a soda machine that dispenses both Diet Pepsi AND Diet Coke. They’ve definitely tried it though since linking back up: we heard about their Valentine’s Day gifts; our brainspace has been invaded with the knowledge that Ben proposed while Jen was in the bubble bath; we’ve been made privy to their love nest search. They even tried to bring some levity and relatability to the table when Ben’s son made a public and very bougie oopsie right in front of the paps. Alas, the quest to win over the people’s interest has gone about as well as Gigli did, so today’s news is that TMZ “obtained” (AKA JLo’s people sent over the receipts) their marriage certificate.
David O. Russell Has Thoughts About Jennifer Lawrence’s Wage Gap Essay
Last week, professional cool cousin Jennifer Lawrence wrote a long essay for Lenny about how pissed off she was about the Hollywood wage gap. Thanks to the Sony hack, JLaw discovered that the numbers on her paycheck for American Hustle were a lot smaller than those of the guys she worked with, and that made JLaw frown harder than the time she released a massive pizza burp and there was no one around to hear it. Now the director of American Hustle and JLaw’s upcoming film Joy, David O. Russell, is chiming in with his thoughts. Because just like their dramatic on-set screaming matches, David O. Russell always has to get the last word.
The Deaner Has Some Marriage Advice For Bobby Flay
Ah, the greasy beady-eyed sex possum fuckstare of The Deaner – how I’ve missed thee! Its been far too long. “Too long? That’s what she said! Just kidding, nobody’s ever said it’s too long. Well, maybe the time The Deaner chugged an expired Bubba and it took me 4 hours to nut.”
Leprechaun-looking TV chef Bobby Flay is currently in the middle of some divorce drama, the latest being that his marriage to Stephanie March might have died because he was getting his 28-year-old assistant to prep his chorizo. Since getting caught cheating is a skill that is practically at the top of The Deaner’s resume, he decided to reach out to his Food Network brother-in-sleaze and offer some relationship advice. Unfortunately, because being a straight-up dumbass is The Deaner’s second greatest skill, his advice is garbage. While promoting his cookbook The Gourmet Dad (Hooters special edition title: But You Can Call Me Daddy – Wink!), The Deaner told the New York Daily News:
“He needs to make some get out of jail meals for her. I would hope that they would be able to work things out because I was fortunate enough to be on that side of things working out.”
Considering he spent one of his most recent meals with his wife pulling her melted Barbie doll body off a Benihana hibachi, The Deaner is the last person who should be giving advice on how to woo your woman with food.
But I’d really love to know what kind of shit he was cooking for Tori Spelling in order to ‘get out of jail‘. Oh, what do you know? I happen to have his email to Bobby Flay right here!
“What’s crappenin’ dawg? I got a relationship-saving recipe for you. Sometimes your wife catches you basting another ham, and the best way to apologize is with a pot of homemade chili. Cutting up onions will make it look like you’ve been crying, while your farts mask the scent of strange on your dick. Relationship saved! Can I have a job now?“
Beyoncé’s Dad Sort Of Says The Bey-Z Divorce Rumors Were Made Up In An Attempt To Push Ticket Sales
Mathew Knowles, the former manager of Her Majesty Beyoncé and current professional sperm-slinging deadbeat pepaw, told Houston 104.1’s The Roula and Ryan Show on Wednesday (via Radar) that he knows the TROOF when it comes to Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s marriage. Take a seat and get ready to learn, because Professor Daddy Knowles is about to school your asses on Publicity Stunting 101!
Mathew says that sometimes a rumor can “ignite” a tour, and when that happens, it’s called a “Jedi mind trick” (cut to Yoda making a “da fuq?” face while using the force to pull out a chair for Mathew to have a seat). According to Mathew, a Jedi mind trick will fool you into thinking that what you see is real. Well, technically he made a “poof” sound, but you get the idea. Then when asked if he thought that Beyoncé pulled an Obi-Wan Kenobi and her Jedi powers to stage the Basement Baby elevator beat-down, Mathew said:
“Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”
So basically, Mathew is crazy, THE END. But since I have time to elaborate, what he’s essentially saying is that maybe it was just a coincidence that the Basement Baby elevator beat-down happened right before Beyoncé and Jay-Z were about to kick off the “On The Run” tour and maybe ticket sales went up because people thought they might get to see some drama on stage and maybe everything about Beyoncé is a lie or maybe it’s the truth. Or maybe she’s actually a real-life Jedi, which would sort of make sense, since some of her weaves look like a fine blend of 100% Wookiee-Ewok hair.
And here’s Beyoncé’s daddy sounding like a stoned-ass teenager talking about Star Wars on the Roula and Ryan Show, if you need something to get second-hand high off of this morning: