It happens to us all! As we age, our bodies deteriorate and we aren’t able to do all the same things we used to. Joints creak as we go up stairs. We aren’t able to hop fences like we did as teenagers. You have to go, “What did you say?”, but also say, “Can you turn that music down?” Well 63-year-old Whoopi Goldberg seems to have reached a milestone in the aging process: getting too old to drive. Whoopi revealed that she no longer drives herself because her eyesight is not what it used to be. Which seems like a blessing in my opinion, because now she can get stoned in the back seat while someone else drives her everywhere–ideal! And that’s maybe why she looks at “rape” and asks “Is that rape rape?,” because she can’t see it too well.
Yesterday Meghan McCain and Joy Behar made everyone forget about Whoopi’s latest victim-blaming whoopsie when the topic around the table turned to Donald Trump. If you know how much Joy hates Trump and how much Meghan loves playing Republican’s advocate, then you know exactly where this is going.
On Monday, Bella Thorne released her own nudes, because she says a hacker who stole the pics were threatening to release them. In an effort to get her “power back”, she put her bare titties out into the world and Whoopi Goldberg had a strong opinion about it, saying that if you send your titties to the cloud, you shouldn’t be surprised when a hacker snatches them from the cloud. Whoopi became that grandma and sat Bella down and told her what’s what before telling Bella to get her bare titties off her lawn.
During my five month baby hiatus, I got reacquainted with my good ol’ friend, The View. For five months straight, I watched it every day to pass the time while nap-trapped under my baby on the couch. My infant daughter’s ears lived through the five weeks Joy Behar took over moderating duties from Whoopi and the show temporarily turned into the Joy vs. Meghan McCain Glass Table Death Match. I shouldn’t have admitted that out loud – I’m totally going to get a visit from CPS.
Point is, I came to remember that Meghan’s internal filter is permanently stuck on “be a loud right-leaning mess,” which was probably the sole job qualification The View producers were looking for when they hired her. Even though it may seem like Meghan annoys everyone within earshot, there is one person out there who wants to hear what Meghan has to say, and that’s Howard Stern.
It’s no shock that The View is probably a messy work environment, but The View of today is mild compared to the days when the Don Corleone of lady journalism, Barbara Walters, was trading co-host slots like us queens swap out our RuPaul’s Drag Race fantasy league lineup each week. One of the more controversial picks was when Jenny McCarthy joined the cast because it was right after Jenny became an anti-vaxxer and said vaccinations heightened her son’s autism, which actually improved by allegedly a gluten-free diet and behavioral therapy. Barbara had already popped off on Jenny once, and it sounds like that was a pretty good omen to Jenny’s time on The View.
It’s been a minute since Whoopi Goldberg was on The View, and that’s because she had a pneumonia so bad that she was basically staring the Grim Reaper in the face. I guess Death decided if Whoopi can hold a day job with those hyenas on the panel, pneumonia sure as shit isn’t going to be what brings her down. She’s on the mend and even dropped by the show today to kind of announce her return, if you can manage to hear it through Meghan McCain’s war whooping.