Ashley Olsen and her twin, Mary-Kate Olsen, are noted Hollywood recluses–unless they’re popping up in the news to remind us that they’re Hollywood recluses or one’s getting secret married or messily divorced. This time, Ashley, who’s one-half of Michelle Tanner and The Row fashion collection, got secret-married to Louis Eisner, an artist and the son of two mega-rich people. The Bel-Air ceremony was small and private, and I would wager a guess there wasn’t a dry eye or healthy lung in the house.
In 2020, Mariana Varela (Miss Argentina) and Fabiola Valentín (Miss Puerto Rico) faced off at the Miss Grand International 2020 beauty pageant. Now, if movies like Drop Dead Gorgeous have taught us anything, these beauty queens will do anything to win. Sabotage, back-stabbing, even… (dun dun duuun) MURDER! Luckily, these two didn’t fall victim to homicidal tropes. Hola! reports that, in a surprising twist, Mariana and Fabiola actually fell in love and got married! Introducing the new Missuses Argentina-Puerto Rico! Continue reading
If you’re one of the tens of women who’ve been dreaming since 1997 of “rollin’” down the aisle in a bedazzled bucket hat to betroth yourself to a mediocre schlub in oversized khakis, today is an unfortunate day for you, because TMZ reported that 52-year-old Limp Bizkit rap-rocker/director Fred Durst is a married man (again). But don’t get too down about it and start to “break stuff;” he seemingly gets married every few years, so you just need to wait your turn. This is Fred’s fourth marriage.
Since the rebirth of the love story and eventual Vegas marriage of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Affleck (née, Jennifer Lopez), it seems like their publicity machine has been hard at work attempting to manufacture shits for anyone to give–just one solitary, single shit–but so far the most interesting thing about their union is that they’re the owners of a soda machine that dispenses both Diet Pepsi AND Diet Coke. They’ve definitely tried it though since linking back up: we heard about their Valentine’s Day gifts; our brainspace has been invaded with the knowledge that Ben proposed while Jen was in the bubble bath; we’ve been made privy to their love nest search. They even tried to bring some levity and relatability to the table when Ben’s son made a public and very bougie oopsie right in front of the paps. Alas, the quest to win over the people’s interest has gone about as well as Gigli did, so today’s news is that TMZ “obtained” (AKA JLo’s people sent over the receipts) their marriage certificate.
A big “well pin a rose on your nose” to the new Mr. and Mrs. Stephanie Judith Tanner! People reported that Jodie Sweetin of Full House/Fuller House fame and Mescal Wasilewski, a clinical social worker, got married in the backyard of a private Malibu estate on Saturday evening. And if you’re feeling a vague tinge of “ehh, I have an uneasy feeling about this” deja vu, it might be because Jodie’s done this every few years; Mescal is her fourth husband since the early aughts (and there have been some unsuccessful engagements sprinkled in there as well). But while Jodie had her predictable child-star messy period, she’s seemingly gotten back on her own two feet again over the years–besides recently getting knocked off of them by overly-aggressive cops while she protested the overturning of Roe vs. Wade.
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program of doom, gloom, and full-throttle fuckery to bring you some actually happy news. “Happy news, I haven’t been touched by that in a while,” said everyone’s ear holes and eyeballs. Three-time Oscar winner Kirsten Dunst (yes, I tell myself that Kiki won Oscars for Drop Dead Gorgeous, Bring It On, and Dick) married Jesse Plemons after six years together. Yes, they’ve been together for six years, which may drop a load of SHOCK onto anyone who thought their blondie love first bloomed after they met at this year’s Oscars when Kiki was working as a seat filler!