These thirsty motherfuckers. Slate reports that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are so parched that Ben has a his and herses soda fountain in his office that dispenses both Diet Coke (His) and Diet Pepsi (contractually Herses). And here I thought JLo left her Hims & and Hers holdings to Alex Rodriguez. But no, The Brand lives on, only this time instead of duking it out in your medicine cabinet, the gendered Vitameatavegamin wars will be fought at the office water bubbler, not in the bathroom.
JLo taught A-Rod well. The last “state of the union” Easter egg he left behind was a framed picture of a heart in the sand bearing their initials, available for just $35.99 (after discount) wherever crap is sold. But there’s a new sheriff in town and his thirst for caffeine is only shadowed by his thirst for attention. According to Slate:
Here’s what we know. On Sunday, Jennifer Lopez posted an Instagram video featuring numerous shots of her and Ben Affleck driving together, canoodling, lounging on various boats, etc. We hear J. Lo explaining that “nothing is more fulfilling to me than being able to build a family with someone who I love deeply.”
Here’s what I’ll call their “spon con” until I figure out what their angle is:
Ben’s jaw is doing a lot of heavy grinding here. Like I’m worried about temporomandibular disorder (TMD). But I’m sure they’ve thought of all the angles. They are professionals after all. According to Slate:
In the middle of the video, a curious image appears. Ben Affleck sits in a home office, editing video on a Mac laptop. He turns to face the camera, surprised, then grins a big, doofy grin. The room is furnished with a light for Zoom calls, some kind of old-fashioned landline that looks like the Red Phone in pictures of the Oval Office (maybe the Damon Phone, so the two buddies can reach each other at any time), and—best of all—a soda fountain of the sort that you might see in a small restaurant. “Chill out … drink up!” the soda machine urges.
You heard the text on the machine, JLo, CHILL OUT! Nevertheless, she persistetedherdeded. Going against the rules of nature, no less!
This is absolutely shocking. First of all, as everyone knows, Coke and Pepsi products are not compatible in a soda dispenser. Each of America’s two soda megabrands utilizes its own proprietary BIB (“bag-in-box”) connector, which conveys syrup into the machine, where it is mixed with carbonated water to create soda. A soda fountain that delivers both phyla of carbonated beverages at once is a custom machine, utilizing the finest in BIB adaptor technology. Someone went the extra mile with this fountain.
It’s THE whodidededed it for the 21st century. Only we know who done didededed it. It was HER? And if you want to know why, or even better, HOW to get your home soda fountain to dispense with the formalities, and come with the gendered soda selection, then look no further than www.OnTheJLo.com. Oh and in case you forgot, the subject of this Father’s day post has not fathered of any of Jennifer Lopez’s children. He’s just a divorced father of 3 who’s not quite ready to give up on the cigarettes or pop.