Beyoncé’s Dad Sort Of Says The Bey-Z Divorce Rumors Were Made Up In An Attempt To Push Ticket Sales

Mathew Knowles, the former manager of Her Majesty Beyoncé and current professional sperm-slinging deadbeat pepaw, told Houston 104.1’s The Roula and Ryan Show on Wednesday (via Radar) that he knows the TROOF when it comes to Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s marriage. Take a seat and get ready to learn, because Professor Daddy Knowles is about to school your asses on Publicity Stunting 101!

Mathew says that sometimes a rumor can “ignite” a tour, and when that happens, it’s called a “Jedi mind trick” (cut to Yoda making a “da fuq?” face while using the force to pull out a chair for Mathew to have a seat). According to Mathew, a Jedi mind trick will fool you into thinking that what you see is real. Well, technically he made a “poof” sound, but you get the idea. Then when asked if he thought that Beyoncé pulled an Obi-Wan Kenobi and her Jedi powers to stage the Basement Baby elevator beat-down, Mathew said:

“Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”

So basically, Mathew is crazy, THE END. But since I have time to elaborate, what he’s essentially saying is that maybe it was just a coincidence that the Basement Baby elevator beat-down happened right before Beyoncé and Jay-Z were about to kick off the “On The Run” tour and maybe ticket sales went up because people thought they might get to see some drama on stage and maybe everything about Beyoncé is a lie or maybe it’s the truth. Or maybe she’s actually a real-life Jedi, which would sort of make sense, since some of her weaves look like a fine blend of 100% Wookiee-Ewok hair.

And here’s Beyoncé’s daddy sounding like a stoned-ass teenager talking about Star Wars on the Roula and Ryan Show, if you need something to get second-hand high off of this morning:

Pic: Instagram

Attention Ladies: Cameron Diaz Wants You To Become BFFs With Your Vagina

Because Cameron Diaz is a born-again Mormon for vaginas who’s current job is to ring people’s door bells and ask the person who answers: “Hello! My name is Sister Diaz! Have you heard the most amazing news about your puss?”, she appeared on Chelsea Lately on Monday night to share the secrets of internal life and vaginal salvation contained within her book The Body Book. And for those of you who didn’t think it could get any worse than Cameron Diaz’s thoughts on pubic hair, strap in and prepare yourself for the mental images of Chelsea Handler and Cammy’s Botoxed hoo-hoos:

Opening up Diaz’s book, Handler said, “There’s a diagram of your labia, and for me, the vagina is such an integral part of the body.” The blonds pretended to find Handler’s Bartholin’s glands before Diaz explained, “We think the vagina is on the outside. I say grab a mirror and play along. Get in there.” The actress added, “Learn about it. You’re supposed to treat it like the beautiful flower that is, the delicate flower that it is. And you’re supposed to nurture it in all the ways that it needs nurturing.”

“So in essence,” Handler said “we should be watering it.”

“Yes, watering it. Fertilizing it. It needs nourishment,” Diaz said. “It’s hungry.”

I get that Cammy is worried about all the neglected Hungry Hungry Hoo-Hoos and everything, but does she really think none of us know what the hell is going on down there? Well, aside from her friend Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s never looked at her vagina, but probably thinks it resembles a beautifully-carved $1,200 stone box.

Surely Cameron has at least one friend who could have told her “No no, it’s cool. I know the difference between vulvas and vaginas, you don’t need to write a book about it.” Because she’s not a doctor. So why in the hell is she acting like the brand ambassador for lips and clits? Aaaaand I just made the horrible mistake of imagining Cammy’s pizza clit (my imagination ran wild and covered it in pepperoni). Ugh, looks like I need to book another 30-day stay at the Brain Bleach Clinic.

Kris Jenner Addresses The Rumor That Bruce Jenner Might Be Transitioning

The only transitioning I care about is how Bruce Jenner is transitioning to a life of freedom after his harrowing escape from the clutches of the Kardashian Koven. I shed a tear every time I think about that poor man being held captive by that awful family, and how brave he had to be to endure more than 20 years of their sadistic torture and awful-looking faces.

Even though I thought I already explained everything you need to know about Bruce Jenner’s gorgeous nails (basically, you should consider cutting off your own hands and replacing them with those foam Hulk hands, because they’ll never be as beautiful and elegant as his) Entertainment Tonight (via The Daily Mail) still wanted to find out what was up with Bruce. Instead of just accepting that Brucie is a stone-cold 10 (deal with it) Kris Jenner has offered this explanation of his hands:

“Well, he wears clear. I dunno. I think when he gets his nails buffed they put clear [nail polish]. The bottom line is we sell magazines. Ninety-nine percent of the stuff in the media, tabloids is made up.”

From your lips to Satan’s ears, Kris. I don’t even know if I used that phrase right – I just wanted to give you the gross mental image of Kris Jenner whispering sweet nothings to Satan, and the follow-up image of Satan swatting her away, going “Stop it, you’re giving me the creeps. Don’t you have a child that needs pimping out somewhere?”

I wish Kris had just responded like a normal person and said: “Who cares? He has long fingernails” but there I go again assuming that Kris is a normal person and not a desperate-for-attention, soul-sucking viper from the pits of Hell. I should be more surprised that she didn’t try to lead Entertainment Tonight on for ratings. “Why does Bruce have long nails? Oh, I don’t know…maybe you could say this season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is all about transsssformations. Wink! I have to say ‘wink’ because my eyes no longer open and close on command.”

Kylie and Jaden Are Just Friends, Thank You Very Much

Evil fame whore matchmaker Kris Jenner is somewhere at war with the devils on her shoulders after seeing the pictures of Jaden Smith with Kylie Jenner at the Believe premiere. The one on the right is whispering, “But it’s the Smiths!” while the other one says, “But look at what the fuck it’s wearing!”

Devil #2 can come sit with me, because I’m getting a tidal wave of secondhand embarrassment looking at Jaden’s ensemble, and this is coming from a mother of three who, on more than one occasion, has walked into the supermarket with a kid trailing behind wearing a muscle Hulk costume, flip flops, sunglasses Elton John would pass up and a cross-body Hello Kitty purse he begged me for at the Goodwill store.

Regardless of whatever stunt fuckery Kris might try to pull, Kylie told Seventeen Prom (via NYDN) that she and Jaden are just good friends.

“If I couldn’t find a boyfriend, I would want to go with one of my best guy friends, like Jaden (Smith),” she admitted. “I know I’d have fun with him — he makes me laugh and he is a great dancer.”

Rumors have swirled for some time now about the “friendship” between Jenner and the 15-year-old son of Will and Jade Smith, but she assures she’s a single girl.

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” she told the mag, which hits newsstands Dec. 25. “But I really want that boyfriend prom experience.”

Kylie needs to start praying at the Kardashian altar (it’s just the foyer table on which everyone throws their juvaderm pamphlets) that she finds someone to take her to the damn prom besides Will and Jada’s kid. Do they even make tuxedos out of Bruce-approved kicky scarves, eyesight test posters, athletic compression shorts, hobo socks and desperate attempts to make oneself happen?

(Pics: Splash, Wenn)

Tracy Anderson Logic: Kale Juice And Twinkies Are Basically The Same Thing

If they ever need someone to play Janice’s older, WASP-y, botox-obsessed sister in the next Muppets movie…

According to E! Online, GOOP-approved fitness gerbil (she looks like she spends 99.9% of her time running on a wheel at Petco) Tracy Anderson pulled out her Dictionary of Hyperbole during her interview with Refinery29 as she labeled our recent obsession with juicing ‘the worst thing that ever became commercialized‘. Worse than Pajama Jeans? YES WORSE THAN PAJAMA JEANS:

And that was just her intro. She went on to say: “If you’re going to drink a non-organic green juice, you might as well eat a Twinkie. Or a half a Twinkie, at least,” she said. “There’s like 80 calories in it, there’s a bunch of chemicals in it, what’s the point? The only benefit [to juice] is that it’s pre-digested and the Twinkie’s not.”

But it’s the juices long term effects that she finds to be the real problem: “They crash people’s metabolic rate,” she shares, adding: “Now, the F.D.A. says they have to be pasteurized. So, you’re drinking, basically, water that’s going to give you Type 2 diabetes, potentially,” she says.

In addition to comparing the veggie drinks to packaged dessert, she said that she is no longer is a fan of the raw vegan diet, mainly because it interfered with her reproductive system. “I wouldn’t have my daughter [if I were still on the raw diet]. I lost my period for seven months because I went raw.”

Two things she does approve of? A purely organic meal plan and daily exercise.

Please. More like What does Gwyneth approve of. [Ring ring] “Hi Tracy, It’s Gwyneth. We’re not into juicing or raw diets anymore, okay? I’ll let you know what we’re into after I come down from my ‘neutering Vanity Fair‘ high.”

I’m with Tracy, but not for the reasons you may think. I did a juice cleanse one time and it was – pardon my french – fucking bullshit. Everything I drank looked like it came from the prop room of You Can’t Do That On Television and my legs felt like feathers. Also, you know when you’re able to smell your own breath? Like you get secret whiffs of it here and there and you’re like “whoah, that’s definitely from me”? Juicing gives you that feeling all the time because it gives you OLD PEOPLE BREATH. So yes, I’d rather eat a Twinkie; it makes life less of a living nightmare.

(Pic via Wenn)

Spencer Pratt: Educated But Still Dumb

If you’re wondering what Spencer Pratt has been up to lately (I’ll wait while you search high and low for that fuck your mom gave you for your birthday last year), the half of the collective asshole formerly known as Speidi made up of 99.99% less silicone and with a 47% more punchable face has been getting his learn on at USC.

“I’m done with classes,” he tells Us Weekly exclusively. “I still have one final, Spanish 3, but thankfully I have two weeks to study for it. My degree is going to be in political science.”

More like Poly Sigh since NOBODY asked. He also tweeted: “Today was my last day of College @USC! Best 10 years of my life! #Trojans”, breathing some life into the Clooney side of the “celebrities on Twitter are morons” debate. When asked by US Weekly why it took him so long to graduate, Spencer took a quick second to yank out his anal beads or Heidi Montag‘s old implants or whatever the hell he shoves up there to let his mouth do the talking once in a while and talked out of his ass, saying he was too busy “being famous” and he should “probably have a doctorate or two” by now.

Spencer should have used the last ten years of his life studying finance because InTouch says he and Heidi managed to blow through $10 million in four years. They spent $100,000/month maintaining Heidi’s Japanese hump doll look, $10,000/week at restaurants and $2.5 million on Heidi’s album that anybody with ears could have told them wouldn’t have gotten off the ground with pulleys, industrial hydraulics and a prayer. He also compared himself and Heidi to Jay-Z and Beyoncé and I think we can just let Bey take this one.

(Pic: Wenn)