When I first saw Scarlett Johansson and Bobby Flay had gone out to dinner last weekend, I immediately started hissing. How dare she ruin that poor baby-faced unicorn Colin Jost? He may spit smack on Saturday Night Live, but his breathy Emmys fawning over ScarJo made me think he was so in L-O-V-E. Continue reading
On the last episode of Beat-Off Bobby Flay, famous smug-faced chef Bobby Flay had gone on a date with the alcohol industry’s favorite human, Chelsea Handler. No one can confirm whether said date made it to the beat-off Bobby Flay stage (Chelsea could be the stealthy hand job-under-the-table type, you don’t know). But it definitely isn’t going to make it to the flying-a-CHEATER-banner stage, because Page Six is saying Bobby has moved on to someone else.
Sources say 51-year-old Bobby Flay is currently dating 30-year-old Heléne Yorke, aka Jane Martin from Masters of Sex (or Olive from Bullets Over Broadway the Musical and Evelyn in America Psycho the Musical, if that’s more your thing). Bobby and Heléne – whose name totally makes me want to reach for a bottle of Salon Selectives – apparently met each other back in December at a Knicks game. Then on Sunday, they sort of made it official-ish by going to the New York premiere of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. However, a Food Network rep told Page Six that Bobby isn’t stuffing his chorizo into Heléne’s roasted poblano pepper, and that they’re just friends.
I know that the Food Network wants us to believe that Bobby and Heléne are just friends, but I’m not so sure about that. First of all, we all know what happens when Bobby tries to be “just friends” with single blonde actress types. Second, I don’t remember reading anything the next day about a horny Heléne being escorted out of the Batman v Superman premiere by security. And that definitely would have happened if Heléne wasn’t there with a date-date, since we all know that ladies can’t resist hitting on Henry Cavill.
When Chelsea Handler was on Ellen last week, she said that she was going out on a date that night. Everybody probably figured she was going to steal Heather McDonald’s husband for talking shit about her. But no, Chelsea said she was going out on a date with a famous dude some friends set her up with. Page Six says that famous dude was Bobby Flay. Why did the scent of vodka, chili powder and salmon jerky suddenly fill my nostrils?
A source tells Page Six that Chelsea and newly-ish divorced Bobby had dinner at Blue Plate Oysterette in Santa Monica on Wednesday night. The source also said that they looked flirty but no “funny business” went on. Damn, that source is throwing shade at Chelsea’s comedy skills. That source must be Heather McDonald.
“It looked like a date,” a witness told Page Six.
Although our spy didn’t observe any funny business, the pair sat at a back corner table and did look “flirty.” They pulled up to the restaurant in the same car.
It was just one date and who knows if it went anywhere, but I’m still mad at Page Six for sharing this shit with all of us. Because as soon as I read it my brain pushed out the image of Chelsea and Bobby rubbing their sweaty, sun-dried leather bodies against each other. And I bet that right before Bobby stuck it in, he said, “But ask yourself this, are you ready for a Throwdown?”
“I hope you nasty bitches choke on your chicken salad fo-CAAAH-ccia finger sandwiches!” No, Giada De Laurentiis would never; choking would involve swallowing, and we all know Giada isn’t familiar with that.
For the past couple of months, the caricature sketch that came to life one day has been rubbing her par-MEEE-giano pocket against a technically-still-married TV producer named Shane Farley. At the time, Giada’s rep made sure everyone knew Giada and Shane didn’t start humping each other until August, five months after he filed for divorce from his wife, personal trainer Jennifer Giamo.
Well, it sounds like Jennifer has found a shoulder to ugly cry into, and Page Six says it belongs to Stephanie March. Back in April, Stephanie called it quits with Giada’s Food Network co-star Bobby Flay, during which a couple eyes darted over to Giada in an “Are you responsible for this?” way. Giada has since gone on the record saying that she’d never fuck on Bobby Flay full-time, but that hasn’t stopped Stephanie and Jennifer from kiki-ing about Giada’s homewrecker slut ways over tea.
According to a “spy” (Page Six makes it sound so juicy), Stephanie and Jennifer had a “royal bitchfest” during high tea at the Gotham Lounge last week. The source claims there was “lots of advice and tears“, which sounds like what happens after I drag a friend to a combination KFC/Taco Bell and dump an order of popcorn chicken on my nachos bel grande.
One of the things they Jennifer was apparently crying about was the possibility of Giada making an appearance in court during their divorce proceedings. However, Page Six claims Jennifer’s lawyer has told them that his client “has elected to take the high road” and won’t be dragging Giada’s ass in. Aw, that’s too bad. I was really hoping we’d find out some dirty secrets about those two, like that their first date was at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar. Although I’m pretty sure any judge with a heart would let you plead the fifth on something like that.
FYI: Giada De Laurentiis’ new piece is the guy on the right. The guy on the left, who sort of looks like Bill Nye drawn as a Doug character, is apparently her brother Igor.
Giada De Laurentiis is legally free from her ex-husband Todd Thompson and she’s already moved on to a new dude, TV producer Shane Farley. Just a couple of days ago, Shane was named as Giada’s current full-time fuck partner and not only was it news (for lack of a better word) to all of us, but it was news to his estranged wife too. Page Six says that Shane is still legally married to personal trainer Jennifer Giamo. Shane filed for divorce in Manhattan back in March. E! said that Shane and Giada first got tingly for each other in 2013 when he was supposed to produce a show starring her and Bobby Flay. They were, of course, both still very married in 2013. Giada’s rep claims that they didn’t start dating until August. But well, someone is definitely blowing farts in our faces, because Page Six says that Shane moved into Giada’s $6 million Pacific Palisades, CA mansion very shortly after filing for divorce.
Shane’s estranged wife Jennifer is apparently upset over finding out through the media that he moved on to the Italian-American lollipop. Jennifer’s lawyer even released a statement to let us all know how upset she is:
“My client is devastated by what she has learned through the tabloids . . . ‘Hurtful’ would be a mild characterization. They’re just in the middle of it.”
I hate everyone involved in this, because they’re making me think and I hate doing that. (“We can tell.” – anybody who reads this blog) If Shane moved to California shortly after filing for divorce in March, wouldn’t Jennifer have found out about him and Giada long before the news came out in E! earlier this week? Or maybe Jennifer is “devastated” because Shane told her he was moving to Los Angeles for work and she’s just finding out why he really moved? Hmmm.
The only reasonable conclusion I can come up with is that all of this is a front to distract us from what’s really going on. It’s a smoke cloud and behind that smoke cloud is the sight of Giada and Bobby Flay having Tweety Bird and Howdy Doody sex. Open your eyes, everyone! Actually, no, close them, because nobody needs to see that.
Because the first rule of the internet is: “If you think it exists, it does“, there’s no doubt in my mind that there’s definitely some Food Network fanfic out there starring toothy par-meeeeee-ganno hustler Giada de Laurentiis and alleged cheater chef Bobby Flay. With that being said, I’m sure if I look hard enough I could rustle up some barf-making fanfic featuring the jacked plank-roasted salmon filet that is Robert Irvine and the sloppy dirtbag who hosts Chopped Canada, but I love my gag reflex too much to do that, so I won’t (but, you know, you have my email address, so….).
What I’m trying to get at here is that those fanfic stories of Giada rolling her Rs against Bobby’s fire-grilled chorizo will only ever stay stories. Giada recently admitted during an appearance on Watch What Happens Live (via Page Six) that she would never date Bobby Flay. Andy Cohen claims there are people out there who want to see the hosts of The Next Food Network Star get together, and the timing is right, since they both dumped their decade-long marriages in the trash within five months of each other. But it’s not going to happen. Why? Because Giada is too smart for that shit, apparently.
“We’re very good friends, we’ve worked for many years together. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, because I’m smarter than that.”
Giada then explained that she’d never date another chef, because she “knows better.” She added:
“I’m one of them. I know better.”
I’ve never been a chef or dated a chef, so I have no idea what she means by that. Is it a common stereotype that chefs are a bunch of low-down dirty slutbags who will “generously season” anything that moves? Is every chef like that? Good lord, I hope not; it’s too early in the EVER to picture a horny Mario Batali hanging an orange Croc on the doorknob of a walk-in fridge.