HBO Max, I Mean, “Max,” Released A Teaser Trailer For “The Batman” Spin-Off Series “The Penguin” Starring Colin Farrell
Yesterday, Warner Bros. Discovery officially announced that next month, HBO Max will merge with Discover Plus and become just MAX. That is a smart branding move since they’re erasing a brand name (HBO) that most people know well and replacing it with the name of every other neighborhood dog on your block. Max will launch on May 13th, and prices will range from $9.99 a month or $99.99 a year for a subscription with ads to $19.99 a month or $199.99 a year for the ultimate 4k ad-free subscription. Max (ugh, that name) also announced new shows, including that Harry Potter series, and served up trailers for their upcoming shows. That includes a little teaser for Matt Reeves’ The Batman spin-off series The Penguin, starring Colin Farrell continuing to fight the hot under forty-five tons of wrinkly prosthetics.
Well, this is embarrassing. Turns out that, despite my reservations and japing, the world really was clamoring for emo Batman! Deadline reports that director Matt Reeves and The Titular The Batman, Robert Pattinson, have both signed on for more pouting and skulking for a sequel, sadly not tentatively titled The Batman 2: Sonata in Darkness Boogaloo. Continue reading
Robert Pattinson Is Reportedly Ready To Quit “The Batman” Because Director Matt Reeves Is Making Him Work Too Hard
I know things are bad right now, but have you stopped for a minute to consider how much worse they could be should Robert Pattinson become jaded? It’s a fate too horrible to bear yet the rigors of dressing up in a rubber suit and mumbling dialog as The Batman under the relentless command of his director Matt Reeves, might just be what pushes Robert, and therefore all of us, to the brink. According to The Sun (via Cosmic Book News), Matt is a “control freak” and Robert “has been pushed to his breaking point” as a result. And here I thought he had already lost his shit when he was freebasing pasta using a tin foil and a microwave. But that it seems was merely an appetizer to the patty-meltdown that was to come.
The Batman is dead. Long live The Batman. Ben Affleck can stop patching up his batsuit with Fix a Flat and exhale, because he won’t be returning as The Batman in the upcoming Matt Reeves helmed standalone movie of the same name. This should surprise nobody since Ben’s sloppy brother Casey Affleck already kinda-sorta spilled the beans all down the front of his lumberjack flannel. Also, we could all tell that Ben’s heart wasn’t in it anymore. We’ll never forget when Ben tried to snag an Oscar for his stirring portrayal of STAINS The Dog (Dlisted’s Hot Slut of The Year, 2009) during that press conference with Superman. If Ben still loved The Batman, he would have gotten the Bat Signal tattooed on his back instead of a fire turkey.
Batman used to be the coolest bitch on the block, with the cape and the batarangs and only the most interesting psychotics with the most eclectic dress sense trying to kill him. That was then. This is now. He’s allegedly down to only 40 followers on Instagram (most of which are instaspam), Commissioner James Gordon is totally screening his calls, and NO ONE wants to direct his next movie.
Now Dawn of the Planet of the Apes director Matt Reeves has also decided to pull out of directing The Batman movie, faster than the Batman pulls out of Catwoman.
Our long national nightmare has come to an end. No, our president and his administration haven’t been replaced with a roomful of howler monkeys who would probably be considered less insane and slightly more trustworthy. Instead, the darkness has receded because they found a director for The Batman! It’s truly morning in America!
Variety reports that Cloverfield and Rise of the Planet of the Apes director Matt Reeves will almost definitely helm the 3,576th movie made about DC Comics’ brooding vigilante.