Warner Bros. Discovery is breaking a 17-year absence from having promos at the Super Bowl this year by once again spending millions of dollars to get their programming in front of millions of people waiting to see Rihanna perform her halftime show. And the movie getting the righteous honor is none other than the DC superhero flick, The Flash, starring noted predator Ezra Miller, who tore up Hawaii and has been accused of various types of assaults and harassment, and grooming of children. And two months ago, Ezra pleaded not guilty to burglary charges. I don’t know what happened at that meeting with Warner Bros. back in August, but Ezra has truly become the favored darling demon child.
While it has been approximately three months since Ezra Miller has been publicly accused of a crime, those of you in the Burbank area who wisely signed up to receive Ezra alerts on your phone for whenever the actor is within a 5-mile radius, already know that Ezra was on the Warner Bros. lot last week. And this time it wasn’t just to blow smoke up the studio’s ass so they would continue to fund Ezra’s true passion project— Ezra Miller: The World’s Most Fascinating Person. According to The Wrap, Ezra was actually there to work! Which really just adds to their overall mystique, don’t you think? Imagine- an artist, activist, and proud member of the proletariat, all wrapped up into one Spandex onesie. Watch out world, there’s nothing Ezra can’t do, including a week of pickups on the $200 million movie they’ve been threatening to tank. No seriously, watch out. Please update your Ezra Alerts app accordingly. And keep all your eyes open; they could be anywhere.
Ezra Miller Met With Warner Bros. Discovery Executives To “Reaffirm Their Commitment” To “The Flash”
I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to develop and maintain a cult before but that shit is expensive. There are a lot of hidden costs. You’ve got to have ready cash for things like robes, rent, bribes, the cost of transporting minors across state lines, airfare, drugs, ammunition, bail money— it all adds up. So I can understand why The Flash star and international person of mystery, Ezra Miller, was willing to press pause their alleged burgeoning career as a cult leader, per an alarming expose in Insider on Ezra’s activities over the past two years, to make nice with their new bosses at Warner Bros. Discovery. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Ezra became “spooked by the notion of the film getting canceled and jolted to take action.” So spooked that last week, Ezra and their agent personally met with the two new executives at WBD because other than playing cult leader with complex mental health issues, a source for Ezra says “The Flash is one of their favorite characters to play.” Awe. That’s so sweet! And here I thought Ezra might be running out of money.
Well, it looks like there’s one thing that can temporarily stop Ezra Miller’s crime spree of terror that has hit Hawaii, Iceland, Vermont, and beyond. The answer is: threat of a breach of contract lawsuit from Warner Bros. and loss of more checks. I mean, it would be kind of hard for Ezra to run a cult in Iceland if trick can’t keep the lights on. Ezra The Terrible has sort of, not really, responded to the accusations of grooming, assault, abuse, kidnapping, thievery, and harassment by farting up a hollow non-apology that was totally not written by the PR team behind The Flash. Ezra adds that they’re in treatment for “complex mental health issues.” Surprisingly, Ezra’s damage control statement didn’t end with, “See! Everything’s okay now and you no longer have to feel shitty about buying a ticket to my movie The Flash, out in theaters on June 23, 2023!” Warner Bros. is slipping.
Warner Bros. Will Now Consider Shelving “The Flash” As A Last Resort If Ezra Miller Doesn’t Simmer Down
Considering that Ezra Miller’s cross-continental crime spree continues apace, Warner Bros. has finally had to face the elephant in the room and decide whether they want to go ahead and calmly escort Ezra away from The Flash so they can give it a proper burial, or just let Ezra continue his stampede unhindered, right into the offices of their new parent company, Warner Bros. Discovery, leaving behind a trail of squished donuts and interns in their wake. The Hollywood Reporter reports that despite previous assurances/threats that The Flash will be getting a theatrical release no matter how many villagers Ezra has terrorized, after getting charged with felony burglary earlier this week, “an outright shelving of the film is not off the table.” Haha, jokes on them though. Ezra already demolished that table and now it’s just dust.
Whenever I go to a restaurant or store that I’ve loved and see the dreaded “under new management” sign, I just know that my favorite place is about to be ruined. Well, that’s what’s happening with HBO Max. When WarnerMedia merged with Discovery earlier this year, David Zaslav, who was the head bitch at Discovery, became the CEO of the whole thing. And he’s been changing things up and not always in a good way. That became more apparent this week when we learned that Warner Bros. shit-canned the Batgirl movie and the holiday sequel to Scoob!, despite the fact that both movies were pretty much done. And yesterday, it was officially announced that HBO Max and Discovery+ will merge into one streaming platform and will reportedly focus more on unscripted programs. On top of all that, David Zaslav said that The Flash movie is still a go, despite the fact that its star is an alleged grooming abuser who is on a world tour of terror. So good decisions all around. But I’m sure that there are some people clapping at these decisions and those people are the executives at Disney, Netflix, NBCUniversal, etc…