Cardi B has been killing time in quarantine like many famous attention-loving people have, which is to say she’s been orchestrating half-naked photoshoots on her patio and uploading the best pic to Instagram. Cardi hasn’t let the (to quote Cardi herself) coronaVIIIRUS keep her down. But at the same time she was showing off her body on Instagram, a couple pictures of Cardi shopping at Target hit Twitter, which showed her body looking just a bit different. Cardi has quickly responded to accusations of overenthusiastic Photoshop use, by swearing that she’s got too much money to be tampering with her body in Photoshop.
Over the weekend, the 666th reboot of Khloe Kardashian’s face made the news, and since the members of the Koven are silicone khameleons, it wasn’t exactly a shock. But seeing as how bleak the news has been, it was a Juvederm-infused breath of fresh air.
Yesterday, Khloe posted another picture on Instagram and while looking at it, I nearly dropped my phone from the weight of F3 (filters, fillers, and Fotoshop, which is a bootleg copy of Photoshop found on the dark web). One of her followers asked, “Why do you look so different in all your photos?” And that’s like asking a cat, “Why do you meow?” It just is! But Khloe decided to “clap” back, which is impressive and her only real talent. I mean, you try clapping when you’ve got praying mantis diving boards for nails.
I fully expect Renée Zellweger to get a standing ovation as she rises to accept her Academy Award for playing Judy Garland in Judy this Sunday. But there’s at least one person who won’t be standing, in fact I imagine Liza Minnelli will be sucking her teeth as she’s splayed across a velvet fainting couch surrounded by “her Oscar for ‘Cabaret’” which “sits on a low table alongside a copy of a 1972 Time magazine with Minnelli on the cover. On a table next to the couch are her Tonys, while a collection of additional awards crowd a sideboard near the entryway” as she’s described in a recent Variety interview. Liza’s not here for Renée’s portrayal of her mother. In fact, when the subject was brought up, she deployed shade so penetrating and complete, PG&E’s still reporting outages and is scheduling rolling blackouts for the next 10 years in order to recover.
Jennifer Garner is being celebrated for her decision to not get a large phoenix tattoo covering her whole back by being put on the cover of People’s Most Beautiful Issue. Of course Jennifer Garner has done more then just divorce Ben Affleck, she also works for Save the Childred, started an organic baby food company (how on brand), keeps the paparazzi industry alive, and she looks like the mom next store that everyone wants to bone.
Normally it’s Kim Kardashian winning the Photoshop Awards for having a hiney that looks like the Hindenburg, but this time it’s Kourtney Kardashian’s time to take some heat. Kourt has been promoting some mysterious brand of hers called Poosh, but people have been wondering what kinda poosh is going on with her body in the latest promo shot since her face looks pasted on, she lost a thigh en route to the bathtub, and it looks like she’s got an engorged nipple on her wrist (but it’s probably just a bubble or rogue filler trying to get out of her body).
In June, Leonardo DiCaprio shared a picture of him and Brad Pitt in costume on the set of Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. Well, it appears Leo got a little chin slimming before it was released to the general public.
Page Six says Sony “accidentally” uploaded an un-Photoshopped picture of the two, and I’m a little bit underwhelmed. At peak Photoshop, Mariah Carey may as well be Sailor Moon because you can’t for the life of you tell who the fuck it really is, so I got excited thinking we were going to find out Leo and Brad really have eighteen chins (still five less than me) and Margot Robbie has an Abraham Lincoln beard. We still may be waiting for leaked photos from Margot’s shoot, but Leo and Brad’s, erm, still just shows two middle-aged white dudes.
— Page Six (@PageSix) August 8, 2018
Because this is Hollywood, Leo’s sources are already out insisting he never requested something like that, and Sony farted out a statement that said, “The actors did not request any retouching of photography from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. We take full responsibility for the error.”
Honestly, if they had just held off on taking the photos a few more hours after lunch, his chin would have probably done that on its own. We all get a little Chili’s bloat from time to time, amiright?!