Category: What Is This Fuckery

The “He-Man” Movie Is Happening And It Will Probably Star…. Him?!!!?

March 21, 2019 / Posted by:

It seems like nowadays whenever Hollywood is looking to cast someone in a big budget or big budget-ish movie, they don’t look for someone who fits the role. They don’t even look for someone who fits the role if you grease them up with Crisco, four kinds of lube, and a prayer before grabbing an industrial-strength shoehorn to shove them into that role. They just look for a ton of Instagram followers, and since Noah Centineo has over 16 million Instagram followers, he’s “in talks” to play He-Man in the reboot of Masters of the Universe. I wonder if during those “talks” a voice of reason popped up to say, “Err, so we’re talking to Noah Centino about playing He-Man? Not He-Child, right? Like this isn’t a Muppet Babies version of He-Man? Also, what drugs are you all on and why aren’t you sharing them with me?”

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Quavo From Migos Claims He Bought A Tiger, And People Are Pissed

March 10, 2019 / Posted by:

Quavo Huncho, 1/3 of the golden triangle that is Migos (not to be confused with the dudes that make up Casamigos tequila), pissed people off by posting a video on Instagram, which is a 100% sure fire way to piss people off. Even adorable kitten videos are not safe from people’s negative opinions these days. However, the video Quavo posted isn’t like most kitten videos… think much bigger, non-domesticated and in threat of becoming endangered. It’s a tiger video. Quavo claims he just bought a tiger named “Cho” as a pet. The majority of people weighing in are rightfully pissed off about it.

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Jussie Smollett Has Been Charged With A Felony For Allegedly Filing A Fake Police Report

February 20, 2019 / Posted by:

If you told me two weeks ago that the Jussie Smollett hate crime story would lead to him facing time in the clink, I’d tell you to take off that tinfoil MAGA hat, but that’s exactly what is happening.

As expected, a grand jury in Cook County, Illinois met today and were presented evidence, which detectives think points to Jussie orchestrating the hate crime he claims happened to him late last month. The grand jury also heard from brothersOla and Abel Osundairo, who testified that Jussie paid them $3,000 to fake attack him on the streets of Chicago after he came back from Subway. The Chicago Tribune says that the Cook County state’s attorney’s office announced that the grand jury has indicted Jussie with disorderly conduct, which is a felony, for conjuring up a fraudulent police report. Jussie could face three years in prison if he’s convicted. Well, Jussie is probably going to need some money to pay a team of lawyers to defend him, so he should hit up Subway since all of the publicity they’ve gotten for this could be stuffed into ten thousand foot longs.

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After Sharing His Racist Revenge Fantasy With The World, Liam Neeson Says He’s Not Racist 

February 5, 2019 / Posted by:

Black History Month got off to a great start yesterday when we all heard the racist tale of yore of how Liam Neeson once reacted to the rape of a close friend by walking the streets hoping that some random black man would mess with him so he could kill that random black man as an act of revenge against his friend’s rapist (who she said was black). The W,T, and F keys on thousands of keyboards are probably broken today because that’s what everyone pounded in response to Liam’s story. Liam was on Good Morning America today to promote his newest revenge movie Cold Pursuit, and says that he’s not racist and that the racist revenge thoughts that ran through his brain back then were healed through power walking!

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What A Great Promo Picture For A Community Theater Production Of “Aladdin.” Oh, Wait…

December 19, 2018 / Posted by:

I was initially going to say that this looks like a low-budget, fuck effort cover of a cheap Aladdin porn parody, but they’re all wearing way too many damn stupid clothes for that! Does Guy Ritchie’s live-action version of Disney’s Aladdin take on global warming, and in this one, the Middle-East is always cold and it never gets to “whip those hot man nipples out” Fahrenheit?

Entertainment Weekly put out the first pictures from Aladdin starring Will Smith as the Genie, Naomi Scott as Princess Jasmine, and Mena Massoud as the title character, and while my first wish to a genie would be for a hot piece of man who cums bitcoins, others would wish for this live-action Aladdin to disappear in a cloud of smoke FOREVER. Because well, Jambi from Pee-Wee Herman looks more like the cartoon genie from Aladdin than Will Smith does. And my 80s self, who used to put his troll doll’s hair into a topknot, is calling 911 on Guy Ritchie, Disney, and Will Smith, because that goatee looks like the scalped-off topknot of a troll doll.

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Trey Songz Likes To Throw Shit And Get Arrested

December 29, 2016 / Posted by:

In today’s “Why You Actin’ Like An Ass?” news, is infamous sex inventor Trey Songz and his arrest in Detroit, Michigan on Wednesday night.

AP News reports that the Say Ahh singer (real name: Tremaine Neverson) had a whole meltdown at the Joe Louis Arena (during FM 98 WJLB’s Big Show at the Joe) once he was informed by organizers that he needed to vacate the stage by 11:30pm. Initially, he taunted them by saying stupid shit like “I wish a bitch WOULD turn my mic off!” Well, wishes come true! They shut that shit off. And instead of getting his ass off the stage, Trey rebelled in true Half-Past My Fifteen Minutes fashion.

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