The “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” Reading Gave Us A Jerk-Off Scene Featuring Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston
The dreams of any remaining TEAM ANISTON t-shirt owners had already come true last month when it was reported that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt would reunite for a live at-home reading of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. As promised, Jen and Brad reunited last night on Zoom for the Fast Times reading, to benefit Sean Penn’s CORE charity. And Brad and Jen must have been feeling extra charitable because they gave everyone at home an image for the ages by recreating the Phoebe Cates/Judge Reinhold jerk-off scene.
So it’s been a minute since this was in the headlines, but you’ll probably remember the familiar sensation of your skin crawling as you read this and it’ll all come back to you.
Voice-over god, who once actually played God, Morgan Freeman, was surrounded by rumors that he was going to marry his step-grand daughter E’Dena Hines back in 2009, whom he had raised with his first wife since childhood. That (thankfully) never happened, but something awful did happen in 2015. E’Dena was found stabbed to death on the streets of NYC with her ex standing over her body, screaming incoherently. In case that wasn’t enough to make your skin ask for a ticket on the first plane off your body, we have an update: E’Dena’s killer has been sentenced. And the hearing brought out close friends: Ick and Drama.
“I wish I could tell you CNN never published an exposé about me and alleged I was a creepy old man. I wish I could tell you that.” Morgan Freeman never said that, but I’m sure he’s been thinking it since last Thursday. CNN published allegations from eight women who accused 80-year-old Morgan Freeman of sexual harassment. He’s denied the allegations, saying that the only thing he’s possibly guilty of are “misplaced compliments and humor.” Morgan is so sure he’s innocent that he wants his lawyers to get CNN to take back their story.
One of the harsher realities for those of us bedazzled by fame (*raises hand weakly*) in the #MeToo era was the revelation this week that Morgan Freeman might be a handsy freak with balls big enough to sleaze on, among others, a CNN reporter despite her accompanying cameraperson (although, the proof she showed seems to be a reach…). The most comforting, penguin-narrating, God voice in Hollywood can’t be a trashbag, right? Oh yeah, he allegedly can. (The alleged relationship with his now deceased step-granddaughter might have been a clue.)
Morgan issued the now sadly requisite “didn’t do it but sorry if you thought I did” apology to his accusers on Friday, and Variety is reports that he’s rinsing and repeating.
Prepare for your entire being to be hit with forty-five tons of SHOCK over the news that a man who has allegedly gotten on his step-granddaughter (RIP E’Dena Hines) has been accused of being a SUCIO old man to several women.
CNN has released a detailed report where they spoke to 16 people who have worked with 80-year-old Morgan Freeman. 8 of them say that they experienced their skin crawling off of their body from Dirty Pepaw Morgan touching them without asking and/or dribbling out comments about their body parts. And the other 8 claim they witnessed Morgan being gross to women. You’re probably not reading any of this because you’re on the ground after being knocked over with SHOCK.
“Note to self: Fire my managers, agents and anyone else who thought doing this shit show of biblical proportions was a good idea.” – Morgan Freeman in that picture. It looks like his horse is thinking the same thing too.
Pretty much nobody thought to themselves “#ImWithHur” and acted upon it this past weekend, because it totally flopped at the domestic box office. Deadline reports that Ben-Hur got pounded by Sausage Party, Suicide Squad and War Dogs. (That sounds like the most messed-up orgy ever.) Ben-Hur brought in a whopping $11 million, which is nearly 1/10th of the $100 million it cost to make. Mark Burnett and Roma Downey, who already made a lot of money off of the Bible, produced this wreck, so I have a feeling that the next time they pray to Jesus, they’re going to be hit with an error 404, because he just can’t with them right now.