Paula Abdul is just three months away from threatening Britney Spears’ Las Vegas Queen of Lip-Synching crown by starring in her own residency at the Flamingo. It’s been called a night of music, dance, and storytelling. I’m disappointed in Paula for not naming her show, Paula Abdul: I’M TRYING TO TELL A GODDAMN STORY!
Paula got Vegas’ tip wet last night by closing the Billboard Music Awards with a medley of some of her greatest hits. And I say “some” because she wrongly left out the classic hits Crazy Cool and Will You Marry Me? But still, Paula’s performance had everything! It had Paula lazily lip-synching to her songs. It had Paula tap-synching at the beginning to a recorded tap track. It had Paula giving us 90s Pia Zadora. It had Paula falling (only, she did it on purpose this time). It had MC Skat Kat (in the real technologically advanced bit of the night)! And it had Paula turning her hat into a ninja star and nearly taking off Julianne Hough’s head. If you’re wondering why Julianne Hough is a thing, now you know. The universe made her famous so that in 2019 she would sit front row at the Billboard Music Awards and happily get hit by Paula Abdul’s flying hat.
Why Was Everyone Talking About “Game Of Thrones” Yesterday When They Should’ve Been Talking About This
Fire can truly fuck itself raw in its fiery hole, because not only has it horrifyingly gone after a priceless icon and Dame, breaking our hearts, it has gone after the lair of a priceless icon and Dame too.
The cover of this week’s People magazine is all about wiping the stain from Duchess Meghan’s tabloid-given reputation of being difficult (I’m still waiting for Prince George’s rebuttal), but those not-knowing-messes buried the real story of the week. In the pages of this week’s People is the story we should all be talking about: the human ray of glamour-dipped sunshine that is Susan Lucci could’ve died last year!
The Observer made every serious world-renowned journalist ooze thick globs of jealousy from every one of their pores when they landed an interview with the goddess herself, Dame Joan Collins. The Observer sent Sophie Heawood to Joan Collins’ luxurious Beverly Hills palace in the sky to do a long profile on the BIGGEST STAR IN THE WORLD!!! You can read the entire thing here, but of course, the thing that caused me to throw my fly swatter in the trash was Dame Joan saying that she believes her dead sister Jackie Collins, the BIGGEST AND GREATEST LITERARY GENIUS IN THE WORLD FOREVER AND ALWAYS, has been reincarnated as a fly that follows her around the world. And yes, that is a real picture of the opulent fly who Joan believes is Jackie Collins.
The song “Jolene” by Dolly Parton is near and dear to my heart. My award winning (dive bar karaoke contest, Savannah GA, 2001) rendition of the 1973 hit brings down the house every time. So you’ll understand why I might feel a bit protective of it. According to Deadline, “Jolene” will be one of the songs featured in the upcoming Netflix anthology series Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings, a show that will dramatize 8 of Dolly’s “most beloved songs”. For the “Jolene” episode, Julianne Hough will play the titular home wrecking tramp and I’m left wondering, where are her flaming locks of auburn hair? Eyes of emerald green? I’m strongly against this casting choice but it seems Dolly’s on board, and she did write the song so I’m just going to have to let her have this one.
Go ahead and add Kathleen Turner’s name under Quincy Jones’ and Patti LuPone’s names on the list of people whose feet you want to curl up to and tilt your head as they drop golden nugget after golden nugget into your ear.
Kathleen Turner did an interview with Vulture’s David Marchese, and oh how I wish there was an audio version. Because Kathleen Turner’s sandpaper-wrapped-in-velvet voice would melt the wax in my ears from all the roasting she does. Kathleen starts the flaming right out the gate by torching Elizabeth Taylor, and from there she drags Nicolas Cage, Burt Reynolds, the Friends cast, Trump, and Hollywood-at-large. Kathleen Turner has always been a rose from the Garden of No Fucks To Give, but now she’s really blooming and I love every second of it. Let those tricks have it, Jessica Rabbit!