“One of history’s most gorgeous goddesses is an unauthorized fly catching Holly Madison mannequin from Amazon called Sexy Blond Silly Rabbitmate Fly Catcher?” – you.
But the tenth Muse (and the only Muse that matters) that Emmy Rossum is supposed to be is the official flower of Hollywood and Forever Billboard Queen, Angelyne. Over two years ago, Hollywood decided to take a quick three-second break from rebooting everything to play genie and grant us the wish of an Angelyne TV series. My idea of the perfect Angelyne TV series would be ten seasons and one hundred 60-minute episodes of the real Angelyne doing nothing but striking scalding hot poses in front of her flawless hot pink chariot as she throws evil glares at lessers who dare ask her for a picture without handing her $350 first (you got to pay to pose with perfection). But the Angelyne TV series we’re getting is scripted and is coming to us from Emmy and her Mr. Robot-creating husband Sam Esmail. And as production is about to start, Emmy Rossum shared the first picture of her in Angelyne drag, and well, if they gave preemptive Emmys for the category of You Tried, then Emmy just won it.
Angelyne (that’s the title) is a limited series for NBCUniversal’s streaming platform Peacock, and is based on that riveting origin story from The Hollywood Reporter about how Angelyne (born: Renee Goldberg) was the Polish immigrant daughter of Holocaust survivors who transformed herself into a blond bombshell beauty incarnate. Angelyne hated the THR article and claimed it should be considered fiction since it was all lies, so she definitely isn’t working on the show and she probably isn’t going to approve of it. Which explains this:
Emmy needed the real Angelyne as an image consultant, because that isn’t giving me Angelyne. It’s giving me “the late great Brittany Murphy as Courtney Stodden.” For comparison, here’s the real Angelyne in the billboard that was the #1 reason for car crashes in Los Angeles (that has to be a fact):
THR says that production hasn’t begun yet on Angelyne. It starts up this month. So I will reserve my bitchiness for the final product. But honestly, even if it’s a masterpiece and Emmy becomes Angelyne before our very eyes, I’ll still track down the real Angelyne just so she can throw a coy smile at me after I say, “That trash TV show could never hold a candle to the real thing.” And yes, she’d charge me $500 extra for that smile.