I realize that Halloween is quickly approaching, and after the long, balmy Hot Girl Summer, I can only imagine how many women will be quick to throw on ass-less chaps and tight titty tops to recreate the magic that is Megan Thee Stallion as their costume of choice. Apparently, Ashanti‘s calendar app must be broken, because she must think it’s already time to break out her costume. And one Twitter user immediately pulled out the shame bell to let Ashanti know that this ain’t the look for her. However, Ashanti’s fans aren’t here for any of that mess. And they immediately came to her defense.
Katie Price Got Fined For Mouth Sharting Out A C-Bomb Filled Rant At Her Ex’s New Girlfriend On A School Playground
Seen above serving seasoned Russian gold digger making her way to the will reading of her fourth dead husband (or rejected Mob Wives cat member), Katie Price has officially snatched the title of England’s Finest Rose away from Jodie Marsh, who has tamed herself all the way down. The edgiest thing Jodie does now is post pictures on Instagram of bowls of baby diarrhea she makes using the protein powder she hawks. Meanwhile, Katie Prices continues to make her country proud and prove time and time again that Britain is the global epicenter of sophistication.
It’s official: every pitch meeting for a new Mariah Carey video starts with her saying, “Okay, so my tits are going to be out and I’m going to touch myself while butt humping a chair or whatever.” I bet the storyboards for a Mimi video are nothing but screen shots from Yandy.com.
The Obamas hosted their last state dinner in the White House last night and their guest of honor was Italy’s Prime Minister Matteo Renzi and his wife Agnese Landini, so they went full Italian and delivered the best of Italy! Guests were served authentic Italian dishes from the Olive Garden, entertainment was provided by world-renowned Hungarian-Italian superstar Ciccolina and both President Obama and Michelle Obama wore ensembles from celebrated Italian designer Z. Cavaricci. I made all that up. Like the White House party planners have taste!
Calling all fashion blogs! Calling all fashion blogs! You can go ahead and shut down and take the rest of the week off, because no look will outdo the opulent and genteel ensemble that Mimi wore to the NBC Universal Upfronts in NYC today. I don’t know if that outfit looks like it came out of a package marked “Stereotypical Hooker Costume” or a package marked “Stereotypical Rock of Love Ho Costume.” You’re right, a stereotypical hooker and a stereotypical Rock of Love ho are the same thing. But seriously, I love how Mimi is so rich that she queefs up diamond dust and she’s engaged to an Australian woodland giant who butt burps out gold bars, and yet she still looks like she buys her dresses with wadded-up bills at a “cash only” hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Las Vegas. I am telling no jokes when I say that nothing says elegance like “my purse is full of nut rags.”
The Hello Kitty Unicornie Rainbow One was at the NBC Upfronts today to push Mariah’s World, her 8-episode E! “docu-series.” (“Docu-series” is reality TV’s equally-as-trashy, but snobby, cousin whose name is Andrea and she gets really mad when you pronounce it “Ann-Dree-Uh” instead of “Ahn-Dree-Uh.“) As was announced a couple of months ago, Mariah’s World will follow the decadent butterfly as she travels through Europe with her tour and plans her wedding to Dr. Frankenstein’s richest monster. The trailer was also released today and it shows Mimi telling us that fluorescent lighting is her kryptonite, Mimi talking with that manager everyone hates and Mimi walking down stairs by herself. E! must have spent most of the budget on CGI’ing Mimi’s face on a stunt double’s body, because the real Mimi doesn’t do stairs.
I don’t know, maybe E! is saving the good shit for the actual show. I was hoping for an extra long version of Mimi’s legendary Cribs episode. Where is the scene where Mimi goes into the bathtub while wearing a towel? Where is the scene where she pulls her dog out of the dryer? Actually, Mimi is marrying a billionaire, so she doesn’t dry her dog in the dryer like a peon. She makes her dogs’ assistants take them to be dry cleaned.
And here’s more of Mimi dripping in ho stroll glamour, and pictures of her and James Packer at the GLAAD Awards on Saturday night.
Catherine Scalia, a hot dog water-covered rose of Long Island, was a Hot Slut of the Day in 2012, because she truly embodied everything that’s great about this country. We’re known for our natural beauties, entrepreneurial spirit, hot dogs and well-priced hand jobs. Catherine Scalia (no relation to Antonin, I think) became known as The Hot Dog Hooker when an undercover cop arrested her after she tried to sell him a wiener massage in the truck she sold hot dogs out of. It was a sad moment in the history of this country, because if you can’t sell a hand job in a hot dog truck in America, where can you? The Hot Dog Hooker later pleaded guilty to the charge. Being one of this country’s most promising entrepreneurs landed her on the cover of Forbes Magazine. Or maybe it was Whores Magazine. I get those two confused all the time. Well, one of my favorite American business women is baaaaaaack and is up to new tricks!
Fios1 says that The Hot Dog Hooker’s prude ass neighbors in East Rockaway, NY are trying to kill another one of her genius business ventures. The Hot Dog Hooker (or “The Hot Dog Honey” as she prefers to be called) has got a pillow with the words “Topless Lap Dance” written in red marker lying on a swing in her front yard and her neighbors say it’s trashing up the neighborhood. Some of the more dramatic neighbors claim they can’t sell their houses because of it. The Hot Dog Honey’s lap dance pillow billboard (that kind of looks like it was written by the kid in The Shining) looks like this:
It’s perfection. I’d be happy to have a work of elegant art like that in my neighborhood. But The Hot Dog Honey’s neighbor’s want it gone. One neighbor claims that she had a similar sign on her house and he had to use a ladder to get it down. Another neighbor is disgusted and is afraid her kids are going to see it. Their complaints to the city led to officials dropping a warning in her lap. They warned her that if she doesn’t remove her pillowy lap dance sign, they’ll drag her to court. The Hot Dog Honey doesn’t know what the problem is. It’s just an arm rest and she’s lived in that house since birth and nobody’s bothered her before.
“It’s an arm rest! It’s just, something I wrote. I’ve been here 50 years, okay. My neighbors know me for 50 years. I’m 50 years old, okay. My neighbors know me for 50 years. Nobody has a problem with me.”
The Hot Dog Honey did add that, yeah, she gives lap dances, but it’s really just belly dancing and she does it for a donation!
When are all of these bitches going to stop messing with The Hot Dog Honey’s impeccable ho game? First, the hating cops ruined her brilliant hot dogs ‘n hand jobs business. And now her hating neighbors are trying to ruin her at-home lap dance empire? They should be holding her up as the ho shit hero she is! The Hot Dog Honey is a more honorable business person than a certain hemorrhoid who is currently the front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination. And yes, that is my way of saying that The Hot Dog Honey should be president. Nothing would make me squirt out a tear of American pride like seeing a pillow advertising for topless lap dances on the front lawn of the White House.
The local news report about The Hot Dog Honey is after the cut. Warning: It auto-plays and if that doesn’t kill you, the charisma and grace of The Hot Dog Hooker will!