Open Post: Hosted By Emmy Rossum In Motion As The Flawless Hot Pink Diamond That Is Angelyne!

April 16, 2020 / Posted by:

Over two years ago, Hollywood let us know that they were finally doing something right for once by greenlighting an eight-episode series about the official blossom of Los Angeles, billboard queen Angelyne. Emmy Rossum and her husband Sam Esmail, who created Mr. Robot, bought the TV rights to The Hollywood Reporter’s investigative story about Angelyne’s journey from Polish refugee and daughter of Holocaust survivors to Los Angeles’ one-woman beautification board who singlehandedly made the city the most gorgeous place in the country with her billboards. Emmy Rossum took on the role of Angelyne in the unauthorized bio-series. And I say, “unauthorized,” because Angelyne, who took a hot pink shit on THR’s story and called it fiction, also took a hot pink shit on Emmy’s series, at first.

But eventually, the real Angelyne gave her hot pink stamp of approval and joined the show as an executive producer. That means producers probably stuffed a big enough wad of cash between her all-natural chichis of luscious perfection. An extremely fair and reasonable price for Angelyne’s approval is 98% of whatever the show’s budget is. So I figured that all of the show’s scenes would be shot in Emmy and Sam’s garage, the pink Corvette would be an old Barbie car bought at a yard sale, her costume would consist of an off-brand Elly Mae Clampett wig from Wish and the one hot pink dress she owns, and the other roles would be played by a mannequin and her dog. But it looks like they made that 2% stretch more than Angelyne’s angelic titty balls in a Spandex dress.

NBC’s streaming service Peacock launched yesterday for Xfinity customers, and will be available everywhere else this July. Angelyne is on Peacock, and although they haven’t told us a release date yet, they put out a teaser trailer for it. Besides Emmy, Angelyne also stars Martin Freeman, Charlie Rowe, Scott Conners, Molly Ephraim, Brian Carpenter, Lukas Gage, and Jefferson Hall. The show hasn’t finished filming yet. They had to press pause because of coronavirus.

The teaser trailer has zero shots of a pre-Angelyne Angelyne, when her name was Renee Goldberg and she left Poland with her family and came to America. The trailer just shows Emmy trying to balance 85 tons of spun gold on her head and 90 tons of rubber boob meat on her chest.

For comparison, below is old footage of Angelyne. Sure, the real Angelyne’s voice is like a warm, rose-scented blanket of lube that gently dances around your eardrums and her nose looks like it was chiseled by Michelangelo out of the finest Play-Doh, and Emmy’s Angelyne doesn’t quite capture both of those things, but hey, sometimes the impossible is just that.

Because Angelyne is getting paid for the Angelyne series, I am all about it. And I also hope that Emmy wins an Emmy for it, because I really want to see her bring Angelyne out on stage, which would cause the lessers in the audience (aka everyone in the audience) to faint out of their seats from seeing real talent and glamour before them.

Here are pictures from January of the real Angelyne yelling at a fan who is taking pictures of her and doesn’t realize that you got to pay to play with real Los Angeles royalty.


Pics: NBC,

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