Majestrix of the multiverse and future Nala Beyonce did hip-hop legend and recent robbery suspect Lil’ Kim a solid by dressing up as her on Halloween. She posted shots of her costumes on Instagram and on her own website with the caption: “Hip Hop would not be the same without our original Queen B.” Beyonce’s got 107 million followers on IG, which means there’s probably going to be a renewed interest in the Queen Bee! A whole new generation will learn about Kim’s ability to make “a Sprite can“ disappear in her mouth! By the way, that move’s not for amateurs. They had to call the paramedics. I don’t want to talk about it.
Y’all, I’ll be so happy when The BET Awards have finally aired and fucked off for another year, because they’ve been causing problems all damn weekend. First, on Friday, a fight broke out between two of Nicki Minaj’s former cutty buddies. And now the prototype for Nicki’s entire career, feline impersonator Lil’ Kim, wants us all to remember that she, too, can act a fool at times.
Over the weekend, we learned that Nicki Minaj had probably locked herself in a walk-in freezer to treat the BURN she was given by rapper and Love & Hip Hop: New York star Remy Ma. It all started after Remy felt that she was done dirty by Nicki in a verse from the song Make Love. Remy fired back with ShETHER, a 7 minute diss track. Nicki responded a couple times on Instagram, the gist of which was mostly just Nicki bragging about how her friends are more famous and how Remy Ma’s record sales are bad. They’re not done hissing at each other and now Lil’ Kim is involved.
Step aside, Duchess from The Aristocats – there’s an even-more refined, elegant feline creature in Paris. Lil’ Kim is in Paris for Paris Fashion Week, and yesterday she graced a Ralph & Russo fashion show with her presence. Normally it’s custom to wear the designer to the show, and Ralph & Russo designs a lot of ballgowns. But since it’s summertime, a ballgown would just be impractical. Nobody wants to see Lil’ Kim sweating her tiny ass off in 10 yards of satin. So instead she showed up wearing what a classy bitch would wear after they slipped out of their ballgown and retired to the boudoir.
Petite Kim appears to be wearing a very fancy, very glamorous pale pink robe tied casually around a tit-flattening floral bodysuit, which she has smartly paired with some pantyhose and studded ho heels. I’m willing to forgive Lil Kim for her recent transgressions if only because I really love what she chose to wear to a fashion show. She looks like the stripper-turned-mistress of a wealthy 93-year-old who took a break from catnapping on a velvet settee to descend a grand staircase and inform his grown children waiting at the bottom that she’s recently been written into the will.
People says she performed after the show for 300 VIP guests in 200 carats worth of gems from Chopard. Only 200? Excuse you, Chopard, but this is the Queen Bee we’re talking about. She should have been draped in gems from the top of her weave down to the shadow toes of her pantyhose.
These pictures passed through my Twitter timeline and inbox yesterday like crazy, and at first I thought it was yet another “Becky with the Good Hair” meme. But when my eyeballs noticed that the name “Lil’ Kim” was attached to them, my retinas transformed into questions marks and I thought that everyone’s phone auto-corrected the name “Katie Price” to “Lil’ Kim,” because the person in those pictures look more like Harvey Price’s mommy than Royal Reign’s.
The always-changing shapeshifter Lil’ Kim once again made the Internet burp up a giant “HUH?” yesterday when she posted those brain-warping selfies (but can you call them “selfies” if you don’t really look like yourself?) on Instagram next to the caption: “Miami Heat!!!” I know that the humidity in Miami fucks with people’s soul but I didn’t know that it had the power to change faces entirely. It looks like Lil’ Kim loaded up those pictures with the Pumpkin Spice Latte and pink UGGs Instagram filters, because she looks like a 20-something aspiring Instagram model/beauty vlogger named Chelsee Sparklez who uses a line from Pretty Little Liars as her email signature and runs the 4th biggest Channing Tatum appreciation Tumblr. Those selfies are kind of giving me Gigi Hadid face-swapping with Renee Zellweger circa 2001.
Those pictures of Lil’ Kim looking like anybody but Lil’ Kim brought out this old quote from a Newsweek interview from 2000:
“I have low self-esteem and I always have. Guys always cheated on me with women who were European-looking. You know, the long-hair type. Really beautiful women that left me thinking, ‘How I can I compete with that?’ Being a regular black girl wasn’t good enough. [My breast implants] surgery was the most pain I’ve ever been in in my life. But people made such a big deal about it. White women get them every day. It was to make me look the way I wanted to look. It’s my body.”
So, I guess, Lil’ Kim is doing herself up the way she wants to do herself up. But reading a thousand rants from my crazier relatives on Facebook have taught me one thing: when all else fails, blame Obama. So I blame Obama for this.
And here’s some pictures from earlier this month of Lil’ Kim looking a little more Lil’ Kim-ish.
This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.