The Rock And Vin Diesel Still Hate Each Other, Apparently

After hearing that The Rock’s Instagram takedown of a Fast 8 co-star was about Vin Diesel, you most likely spent the entire night staring at the ceiling of your bedroom, because how could you close your eyelids and go mimis knowing that a millionaire boulder sculpture hates another millionaire boulder sculpture? You couldn’t! Well, prepare to spend another sleepless night counting the specks of glitter on your popcorn ceiling, because I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it’s still beef. (And I’m assuming you’re the kind of classy bitch who has glitter popcorn ceiling.)

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The Rock’s Blind Item Is About Vin Diesel

The Rock’s Instagram blind item about a chicken shit candy ass who is a pain in his muscled-up nalgas has been solved! In case you don’t know about today’s biggest mystery, The Rock called out a Fast 8 co-star for being an unprofessional dick with an ass so sweet that it’ll give you cavities. Well, according to TMZ’s sources, Vin Diesel is the candy ass in question. (Side note: “Candy ass” is not to be confused with my nickname, “Chewed-Up Taffy Ass.”) The Rock is obviously just jealous of Vin, because he wishes he held the self-appointed title of The Best Body In New York City For Decades.

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Which Candy Ass Actor Pissed Off The Rock While Filming “Fast 8”?

Puppy-saving human Redwood tree trunk The Rock dropped a beautiful blind item on Instagram yesterday when he went in on a chicken shit actor (or actors) who pissed him off more than seeing a number higher than 7% on a body fat calculator does. The Rock is finishing up shooting the 133,459th Fast & Furious movie, and in his goodbye note on Instagram, he praised his lady-co stars and also praised a few of his dude co-stars before taking an angry shit on unprofessional candy asses. And when The Rock shits on you, it leaves a bruise, because his turds have 12-packs and biceps.

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The Rock Is Bringing Us A Jumanji Remake

Unless you’re living under an MDMA soaked Coachella rock with a flower headband atop it, you know that Hollywood lives for giving us remakes and reboots we didn’t know we wanted. Probably because we don’t want them. If a movie is good enough to warrant a remake, does it really need to be remade? Amirite? What’s that about?! We’ve got steaming piles being thrown at us every other day. Amongst them is Bradley Cooper‘s A Star is Born that isn’t starring Beyonce, Fox’s Rocky Horror, James Franco‘s Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (UGH NO STOP) and the Dax Shepherd directed CHIPs. And now, we can add Jumanji to the list. Brought to us by The Rock, legal name, Dwayne Johnson.

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It’s Monday, So Here’s Zac Efron’s He-Man Action Figure Body

The other day, I was looking at pictures from the set of the Baywatch movie on Miami Beach, and my eyes landed on an image that was just as bizarre and unbelievable as seeing an alive Tupac and an alive Jimmy Hoffa hump each other on top of a real-life unicorn wearing original Reebok The Pumps. (Side note: I still curse the name of every asshole brat who made fun of me for wearing bootleg Rebook Pumps that my mom bought me at the swap meet for my birthday.) The image was of Zac Efron in a shirt (the pictures are in the gallery below). How? Why?

Zac is shooting a movie that mostly takes place on a beach and he plays a lifeguard, and there’s a scene where he wears a shirt? 2016 is really bending brains. First, Posh Beckham has freed her hooves of high heels and now Zac Efron is wearing shirts in movies? But all’s right again, because Zac brought out his turtle shell cum gutters and veiny peen arms while shooting a topless scene on Saturday.

Every time I see new pictures of Zac, he looks bigger and buffer and he’s got even more muscles on his body. I bet even his jizz fish have six packs. And in many of the pictures from Saturday, Zac looks like he’s suffering from stage 10 constipation and he probably is. Dude’s nalgas are probably so muscled-up and clenched that it’s impossible for him to caca.

And this Baywatch movie takes place in modern day, but Zac’s haircut could’ve fooled me. That haircut is very 90s coked-up club douche (aka A Night At The Roxbury) meets late-80s Eastern European gay porn star. What I’m saying is that Zac should keep that haircut because it is the look.

Pics: Splash

Why Do I All Of A Sudden Have A Craving For French’s Mustard?

Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).

Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:

1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.

2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.

But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).

And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.

Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com