Line Up The Blonde Models! Leonardo DiCatchAHo Is Single Again!

That picture of Leonardo DiCatchAHo is from the L.A. premiere of The Revenant last month. We should’ve known that his model-hungry dick was on the loose again, because that twinkle in his eyes tell me that he’s looking forward to jumping into an ocean full of blonde model poon to find his new piece-of-the-moment.

In “This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again” news, People says that 41-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio and his girlfriend of a few months Kelly Rohrbach are done. No, things didn’t come to an end after Leonardo spotted a disgusting wrinkle growing on her 25-year-old face and immediately called Sports Illustrated to have her replaced with a newer and fresher model. A “source” tells People that they are both just so, so busy. Leonardo is busy hustling his ass hard for that Oscar and Kelly’s busy doing what exactly I don’t know…

“They have been broken up for a few months now. They are very friendly and it’s super amicable. They are both so busy and he’s got a big movie coming out and she’s one of the biggest super models in the world. There is no other person in the picture.”

That source was either Kelly, Kelly’s publicist or someone who doesn’t know what the words “biggest,” “supermodel” and “world” mean.

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The Puppy That The Rock Saved From Drowning Has Died From Eating Poisonous Mushrooms

Just when I was about to post a puppy video to counter the sad death posts I’ve done within the last 12 hours, I get death news about a puppy. Fuck this shit. Let’s just grab an economy-sized bottle of something mind-numbing and a bag of Milanos and go back to bed.

Right after Labor Day, The Rock made a hundred thousand dead hearts feel actual warm emotion when he told the tale of how he saved his brand new French Bulldog baby Brutus from drowning to death. Six seconds after bringing home two French Bulldog puppies, The Rock put them in the background to piss and shit and one of them, Brutus, ran straight into the pool, fell in and sunk to the bottom. The Rock saved him. Because ice cold cynicism runs through my veins, I labeled the whole thing a stunt.

Well, Brutus lived, but sadly, his young puppy life was cut way too short and it’s all because of some bitch ass mushrooms. Most dogs are living garbage disposals. When I take my dog for a walk, I have to keeps my eyes all the way open, because he’ll put absolutely anything in his mouth no matter how disgusting it is. (I wonder where he got that from?!) The Rock writes on Instagram that Brutus ate some mushrooms that were growing in the backyard and those mushrooms took him on a trip to the animal hospital where later died.

Another reminder we have to live and love as greatly as we can today, because tomorrow is never guaranteed.
At approximately 11:15pm last night myself and @laurenhashianofficial had to make the painful decision to end Brutus’ suffering by taking him off of life support and sending his soul to pup heaven. I held his lil’ paw as he was finally at peace.

As all puppies and dogs do, he ate a mushroom while playing outside with his brother Hobbs. This mushroom happened to have a lethal toxicity and within hours it was rapidly destroying his liver and immune system to the point of no return.

I encourage all of you out there to be mindful of mushrooms in your yards, parks or anywhere outside your dogs play. What looks innocent, can be deadly to your lil’ family members.

Thank you Dr. Deckelbaum and Dr. West and the incredibly caring nurses and staff at The Animal Medical Center At Cooper City. We’ll always love you Brutus.. and you’ll always be my lil’ rough housing Brute.
#RIPBrutus #WICHSYOMT

Rest in peace, Brutus, you are now in heaven, swimming in the deep end and eating all the mushrooms you want. Also RIP to The Rock’s gardeners for not pulling out those mushrooms in his backyard.

The Rock Is Going To Be A Daddy Again

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? If you smell a mixture of boiling goat milk and Muscle Milk, then you do smell what The Rock is cooking, because that’s probably what his fertile jizz smells like.

Lauren Hashian, The Rock’s girlfriend of around 9 years, is baking a bundle of muscles in her womb after one of his sperm fish body slammed into one of her ovary eggs. Some source tells UsWeekly that The Rock and Lauren are “really excited” about becoming parents to their “little pebble.” (Side note: Santo dios, they’re totally naming their kid The Pebble.) Lauren doesn’t have to worry about spending hours in labor, because whenever The Rock’s child is ready to come out, it’ll crash through her stomach skin the same way The Rock crashes through a brick wall in his house when he forgets his key.

The Rock and Lauren (who is giving me Heather from Real Housewives of New York City with a drop of Giada De Laurentiis) are already parents to a bunch of Frenchies, but this is the first human child they will raise together. The Rock also has a 14-year-old daughter with his ex-wife Dany Garcia.

When The Pebble is born, The Rock doesn’t have to worry about Instagramming pictures of his new child, because we already know what that kid is going to look like:

I know, that was offensive. Like The Rock’s kid is just going to have a six-pack. Please. That child will be nothing but a 10-pack with eyes and a mouth.

Pics: Wenn.com, MySpace

Meanwhile, The Rock Spent His Labor Day Saving His French Bulldog Puppy From Drowning

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? It’s a big plate of AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

There’s no such thing as rest and relaxation when you’re The Rock, because there’s always weights to be lifted, 50,000 ounces of cod to be eaten and baby French Bulldogs that need saving. Yesterday, The Rock Instagrammed a picture of him in a wet t-shirt with a French Bulldog puppy in each hand and he told a story about how he heroically saved one of them from taking a one-way trip to heaven.

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The “Fast & Furious 7” Will Go On

The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal executives and the director of Fast & Furious 7, James Wan, had a conference call this morning to decide what to do with that shit. They were in the middle of shooting scenes in Atlanta and were taking a break for the Thanksgiving holiday. Paul Walker and the rest of the cast were supposed to fly back to Atlanta today to continue filming and after that they were scheduled to shoot scenes in Abu Dhabi in January. James and the executives had a meeting this morning, because everybody was asking (nobody was asking), “But what about that car movie?!”

THR says that Universal and James made the decision to not shelve the movie completely, but they did agree that they should press pause on filming since the crew and the cast need time to mourn Paul Walker and don’t really give three queefs about that Fast & Furious shit right now. They aren’t sure when shooting will pick up again. Since Paul Walker’s character is in a lot of the scenes they haven’t shot yet, they’re deciding how to re-write and rework the scenes.

In other Paul Walker news, the driver of the red Porsche Carrera GT has been identified as Roger Rodas, Paul’s friend and the CEO of his automotive company Always Evolving. Paul and Roger became friends because they both loved cars. Witnesses tell People that as the car show/charity event was ending, Paul and Roger took the Porsche for a joyride behind the Always Evolving warehouse in a business park. (Here’s a picture of Paul with the Porsche hours before the crash) The Los Angeles County sheriff said in a statement that speed was a factor in the crash, but a witness type says that they didn’t drive off recklessly since children were around including Paul’s 15-year-old daughter Meadow. Fifteen minutes after Paul and Roger took off, everyone heard a loud crash and we all know what happened next.

And in my post about Paul’s death, I forgot to include Vin Diesel’s tweets:

Brother, I will miss you very much. Heaven has gained a new angel. Rest in peace xxx

— Vin Diesel (@REAL_VinDiesel) December 1, 2013

Although I'm totally heartbroken to of lost a brother….I feel honoured and blessed to of known such a wonderful guy pic.twitter.com/Hu0dnHiCRC

— Vin Diesel (@REAL_VinDiesel) December 1, 2013

Yes, I read those tweets while listening to Vin’s cover of “Stay.” It’s the only way to read them.

Would You Hit It?

No, this isn’t a picture of Madonna performing “Express Yourself” during her MDNA tour. It’s The Rock flexing all ten million muscles in his ropa vieja legs. The Rock tweeted this picture of his fetus hatching thighs to his followers with the note:

Sometimes the most important victories are just for yourself. LEGS. #5KneeSurgeries #RupturedDiscs #StillFindAWay

For once, I can actually smell what The Rock is cooking and it smells like deep fried chicken gristle, boiled Muscle Milk, frothy sweat, jerkyfied leg veins, chili pork rinds and raw carne asada. That’s the opposite smell of my daily workout which smells like piña colada lube, nectarine-scented Kleenex, raw cinnamon roll dough and desperation.

And yes, I’d hit it even though he’d probably break my taint bone and fracture my hip bone when we scissored.

via TooFab