The Young Pope was one of my favorite shows of 2017, because it made me feel like I was high on edibles without having to actually be high on edibles. It also gave me many moments of Jude Law working glamorous ensembles that Beyonce, Gaga, Rihanna, and Madonna wish they could work with just as much hotness.
The follow-up to The Young Pope (they’re not calling it a sequel or second season) titled The New Pope doesn’t come out until later this year, and I’m already all the way in for two reasons: 1. Sharon Stone is in it. And 2. There will be a scene where Jude Law struts that ass in a pair of pristine white swim panties. Unlike that other pope, Jude Law looks like the kind of cool pope who will gladly let you kiss the ring, specifically the blessed cock ring. I see you heathen whores sticking out your tongue like you’re ready to accept that cummunion bread and let him bless you with his holiness. I know you tramps are used to being on your knees, but this time you need to get on your knees to pray for your own sinful soul!
Richard Madden And Brandon Flynn Had Their Arms Around Each Other (GASP!) After Buying “Marijuana Cigarettes” (DOUBLE GASP!)
Thousands of gays, and people who get into Scottish daddy on Yankee twink action, were hospitalized yesterday with severe dehydration after they slobbered gallons of bodily fluids from all their holes after seeing pictures of Panty Creamer Richard Madden (of Bodyguard, Rocketman and Game of Thrones) and Brandon Flynn (of 13 Reasons Why) getting all cozy in Los Angeles over the weekend. Richard and Brandon were papped with their arms around each other after buying “marijuana cigarettes” (REEFER MADNESS!). So of course, many now think that Richard Madden is bi and that he and Brandon are totally doing it, and after they bought those “marijuana cigarettes” (yes, the year is 1966) they went home, got naked, and Richard blew “marijuana cigarette” smoke into Brandon’s b-hole before doing him. Get me a wet vac and a stretcher, because I just slobbered out a lake from that image and I now need medical attention.
It’s been a good week for the majority shareholders in the companies who make Preparation H and Vagisil, because b-holes have been howling themselves raw and coochie holes have been slobbering themselves bone dry over Extra Miller serving bust-a-nut-inducing looks like his Queen Of The Gothic Trash Bags look, his Electrocuted Swan Lake look, and his Uniqlo assistant manager on E look (above). Get ready to throw an entire warehouse of Prep H and/or Vagisil at your fuck parts, because Extra Ezra has once again struck genitals with his sexiness. This time he had help from Playboy. I know, Playboy actually delivering some fap material? 2018 really is like an acid trip in the Upside Down.
If you’ve pulled every hair out of your body and bit your nails, skin, and finger meat down to the bone and all you’ve got left are some dangling phalanges and a crotch smoother than a Sphynx cat’s asshole, then you’re probably an American who is already following the midterm elections. Or you’re a citizen of the world who was worried about a much more important matter: People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Yeah, definitely the second one.
Last year, People caused the Census Bureau to double check if only one man is alive when they named Blake Shelton as their Sexiest Man Alive 2017. If People named a pair of cum-stained Fruit of the Loom chonies lying on a broken Bud Light bottle in the parking lot of a Dave & Buster’s as their Sexiest Man Alive 2018, it would’ve been an upgrade, but they really went for it by giving the title to crotch seizure-inducing daddy Idris Elba. Finally, the popular vote matters!
Rob McElhenney Talked About How Easy It Was To Get His Body In Chippendales’ Shape For “It’s Always Sunny…”
With Ryan Murphy on his way to Netflix, FX had to give us thirsty hos a reason to still tune in for shows with hunka-hunka burning pieces of man meat. I just never expected it to be Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Since the 7thseason, Mac has been a little more – ah – voluptuous because he tried to “cultivate mass” in the so-called wrong way to get muscle. Well, the 13thseason dropped this week, and Mac is a Grade-A tall glass of leche.
Vulture and others say that while it still isn’t clear on the show why Mac got so buff, Rob McElhenney took to Instagram to tell us how: if you’re willing to give up Chili’s, booze, and, in general, anything remotely fun, you can ALSO have a jacked body…and be a fun sponge:
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Look, it’s not that hard. All you need to do is lift weights six days a week, stop drinking alcohol, don’t eat anything after 7pm, don’t eat any carbs or sugar at all, in fact just don’t eat anything you like, get the personal trainer from Magic Mike, sleep nine hours a night, run three miles a day, and have a studio pay for the whole thing over a six to seven month span. I don’t know why everyone’s not doing this. It’s a super realistic lifestyle and an appropriate body image to compare oneself to. #hollywood
Yep, that’s nine hours of sleeping, six days of lifting, three miles of running (daily), no carbs or booze…and a partridge in a pear tree. Well, that and a studio that will pay for your ass to work with a trainer who will humiliate you for even thinking about Krispy Kreme. Rob previously told Reuters of what it took to gain the 50 pounds to be “Fat Mac,” and that was five 1,000-calorie meals each day, and I’m a little stunned. All the years, and I just assumed that’s what all the celebrity trainers meant were your five “tiny” meals a day to lose weight!
When Prince Hot Ginge told Duchess Meghan that they were going to the THI-TURR last night, she must’ve figured they were going to go see Chicago, because she looked like she was ten seconds away from swirling out a Bob Fosse jazz hand while singing, “… the name on everybody’s lips is gonna be MEY-GHAN!” (see: the Roxie Hart shit she wore to the theater in the video after the cut). But they went to see Hamilton instead. The performance was a gala to raise money for PHG’s charity Sentebale, which helps children and young people living with HIV in Lesotho and Botswana. At the end of the show, PHG got onstage to thank everyone and while up there, he crooned out bits of a Hamilton song into a mic. That mic is now pregnant with little ginger mic babies. Those ginger mic babies will be seventh in line to the throne.