When the first rumblings of a Beetlejuice sequel permeated the internet, fans of the cult classic went, “Go ahead! Make my millennium!” But fortunately, we won’t be waiting around a thousand years cause the official release date for Beetlejuice 2 is set for September 6, 2024. It was rumored last month that Jenna Ortega would star alongside some of the original cast reprising their roles– with Michael Keaton back as Beetlejuice and Winona Ryder as OG goth chick Lydia Deetz. And now it’s been confirmed that Jenna will play Lydia Deetz’s daughter.
The sequel to Harvey Weinstein’s own personal #MeToo movement, #WaitMeAgain?, premiered on Monday when Harvey was found guilty on three charges of rape and sexual assault in a Los Angeles courtroom where he was on what they call in the business, a “trial vacation.” In the summer of 2021, Harvey was compelled to travel from his jail cell in New York, where has been serving 23 years for rape and sexual assault in that state, to a jail cell in California to stand trial against seven charges of sexual assault. While the accommodations offered to him during his stay in California may not have been what he would have chosen, they were comped through the government’s Frequent Felon program, so take any reviews he may have left on AirBnA.gov with a grain of salt.
I hate reporting bad news. I really do. I know sometimes it may seem like I take joy in the suffering of others, but only when they deserve it. I am not a monster. And when the suffering is my own, or that of you, gentle reader, it causes me great pain and emotional distress. Earlier this year, and the three years preceding, I reported on the development of Top Gun 2: Maverick, a movie I was sure would be a flop. Reader— it was no flop. Top Gun 2: OT8 And Lovin’ It went on to become the 5th highest-grossing movie of all time, netting its star, Tom Cruise, more than $100 million earth credits to spend at any Scientology center of his choosing. And so I come now to you, humbled and dispirited, to report that James Cameron’s entry into the pantheon of Sequels to Movies Old Enough to Vote (in middle school elections in this case), Avatar: The Way of Water, is being heralded as “moviemaking & storytelling at its absolute finest,” and Guillermo del Toro has called James a “master at the peak of his power.”
It took 36 years, but Tom Cruise has finally busted his Top Gun: Maverick nut all over the windshield of his F-14 Tomcat, which is probably why he had to fly onto the red carpet for yesterday’s premiere in a helicopter. Tom’s jizz is filled with thetens (that’s how he sheds them) which, if you’ve ever seen a mirror in a bathroom at a Scientology Center, you know are next to impossible to remove. So Tom’s Tomcat probably had to be decommissioned. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the four-hour-long red carpet extravaganza was held in San Diego aboard the USS Midway, a retired aircraft carrier. This means I can finally be honorably discharged, WITH DISTINCTION, for my tireless dedication to making up goof names for Top Gun 2: Secrets of The Bottom Drawer. And with that, I am out. May you have fair winds and following seas. I’ll take my 21-gun salute to go.
Almost thirty years ago (heh?!) a then-10-year-old Thora Birch starred in Hocus Pocus. She played Dani, the cute kid who’s being chased by the Sanderson Sisters, three evil witches who wanna suck out Dani’s soul so they can be young and hot forever (an excruciating process called “Madonna-ing”).
Filming for the sequel began in October 2021, and it’s set to premiere on Disney+ this fall. Since Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy all signed on to reprise their roles, some Hocus Pocus fans hoped that Thora would return as well. Now a source has informed Entertainment Weekly that while Disney offered Thora, now 40, “a good supporting role” as an adult version of Dani, she couldn’t make the scheduling work.
I know they say you aren’t supposed to beat a dead horse, but what if the horse is actually undead and not really a horse at all, but more of a moldering human corpse with a lot of snappy one-liners? This is the question the folks at Plan B Entertainment, Brad Pitt’s production company, asked themselves before deciding to go ahead and flog the shit out of Tim Burton’s Beetlejuice. But you know what they also say? You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink, especially if he’s dead. But according to Screen Rant, after spending more than 30 years in The Neitherworld Waiting Room (sometimes referred to as “development hell” by Hollywood types), that green lady finally called Beetlejuice 2’s number, with Michael Keaton and Winona Ryder both reported to be on board.