For the Jolie-Pitts, nothing puts the “f”s in “family fun” quite like “forced foto-ops” on the red carpet for a kids movie with mom. Angelina Jolie unplugged the X-Box mid-Fortnite Battle Royale and told all them kids to go put on their outside clothes for the Hollywood premiere of Tim Burton’s Dumbo. Here’s the twist: They had fun.
The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.
Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):
Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.
And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.
Save your breath, saying ‘Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice‘ is not going to make Beetlejuice 2 appear. While its been reported that the movie is definitely happening for some time now – even Winona Ryder said it was happening when she was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last year – it turns out that that “definitely” is actually a “no good, low down, heart breaking rumor“.
Entertainment Weekly is saying that on Friday, there were reports that the movie was finally going forward, a script had been completed and that Winona and Michael Keaton were basically in their makeup chairs getting ready to look like the hottest versions of themselves. Sadly, a rep for Rim Burton (typo and it stays) reached out to EW and said that “the information was based on fabricated comments from the director and confirmed to EW that Beetlejuice 2 is not in development at this time.” The rep went on to say that Tim is currently busy working on finishing his next disastrous looking billion dollar cash cow, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. There’s no trailer out for it yet, but EW has got some sneak peek pictures. This mess looks like some spooky bedtime Effie Trinket mash up aka Not For Me. Tim will also be busy after wrapping Children because he’s got yet another sure to be money making bonanza lined up with Disney, a live action version of Dumbo. Jesus fucking Christ, that is going to be depressing.
What bothers me the most about this sequel either not happening or being pushed back endlessly is that we’re being deprived of the true star of the movie – Juno! If it’s an issue getting the whole cast back together, why don’t they just do a movie about Juno switching careers and being a paranormal detective. The actress that played Juno, Sylvia Sidney, passed away in 1999, so getting her will be some real method acting. Delia Deetz aka Catherine O’Hara can play her bumbling assistant. Take note, Hollywood! This is a brilliant idea!
Pics: Warner Bros.
I pretty much shrugged when Disney pooted out the live-action Alice in Wonderland, and the live-action Snow White, and the live-action Maleficent, and the live-action Cinderella, and their plans for a live-action Beauty and the Beast, but now those messes have gone way too far. Disney is planning to do a live-action Dumbo as seen through the eyes of Tim Burton. Poor elephants. They went from having the best week ever to the worst week ever.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Ehren Krueger, who wrote the words for all the Transformers movies, is already done with the script. Russell Tovey shouldn’t bother calling his agent to get an audition for the title role, because the elephants are most likely going to be CGI-created. This future shit show will be equal parts CGI, live-action and full blown foolery. This has all the makings of a gigantic mess.
I expect two things from the live-action Dumbo:
1. Johnny Depp will probably play as many roles as possible and I won’t even blink an eye if he plays one of those jive-talking crows, because Hollywood don’t care.
2. Iggy Azalea will probably remake “Baby Mine” and change the title to “Bae Mine.”
Meanwhile, Helena Bonham Carter’s lungs nearly collapsed from breathing out the biggest sigh of relief. If she was still with Tim Burton, he would’ve made her play Mrs. Jumbo.
In “THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, TRUE LOVE IS MUERTO!” news, Tim Burton and his muse/partner/mother of his 2 kids Helena Bonham Carter have chopped up their 13 year relationship, put it through the meat grinder and baked it in pie dough to be sold to an unsuspecting Londoner. This a nightmare before Christmas for anyone who thought they would last forever. Prayer circle around Goldie and Kurt!
I thought that Lindsay Lohan would get a clue before HBC and Tim Burton broke up. In other words, I didn’t think they’d ever break up. They live in separate houses, don’t see each other’s faces every day and let each other do their own thing (and possibly other people). That sounds like an almost perfect marriage! But they decided that they’re over it and told her rep to pull out a canned break-up statement, scribble their names in the blanks and release it to People:
The couple “separated amicably earlier this year and have continued to be friends and co-parent their children,” Carter’s rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. “We would ask that you respect their privacy and that of their children during this time.”
The pair – who never married – first met when Burton, 56, directed Carter, 48, in 2001’s Planet of the Apes.
If you’re wondering why they’re announcing it now if they broke up months ago, the answer is: He has a movie coming out in 2 days and the hustle never stops.
Who will play the “quirky” and “weird” lady in all of his movies now?! I bet every hard-up actress is going to move within a 10 mile radius of Tim Burton so she can show up on his Tinder, which might lead to a date, which might lead to a relationship, which might lead to him casting her in every single one of his movies.
Or Tim Burton will finally stop fighting the feeling and marry his true soulmate Johnny Depp.
The Daily Mail has extremely clear (almost TOO CLEAR), 10 million pixel pictures of what looks like Tim Burton sucking the mouth of a blonde who isn’t Helena Bonham Carter in a blonde wig. The pictures are every layer of blurry, so she could have a stuffed up nose and Tim’s helping her out by sucking the snot out. It’s hard to tell.
The Daily Mail says the pictures were taken at the end of last month. Tim Burton and his blonde friend left a movie theater after watching The Wicker Man and the paparazzo followed them to her car. They stopped in an alley, sucked face and then got into her car and drove away. Spokeswhores for Tim and Helena had nothing to say about this.
If there’s only one couple in Hollywood who is probably open and can put their mouths on any piece they want, it’s Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter. Those bitches don’t even live in the same house! HBC lives in one house, Tim lives in the house next door and their kids live in a third house with the nanny. It’s a dream! Jerry O’Connell was on Howard Stern earlier this week and he said that he feels weird fapping when his kids are in the house. HBC and Tim Burton don’t have to worry about that! They can lock the door and fuck themselves anywhere they want: over the kitchen sink, in every hallway, etc… They can do the exact same thing with their side pieces. Tim Burton can do his side piece doggy-style on the kitchen island without worrying about HBC or his kids walking in on them. But you know if HBC did walk in on them, she’d probably just shrug and tell him she needs to borrow a little milk. HBC don’t care. And on another note…
If you look at the pictures at the DM, that blonde hairstyle might look familiar to you:
I wouldn’t be surprised. Tim Burton and Johnny Deep have been munching each other’s asses professionally for years, so they might as well date.