Tom Cruise better start plumping up his bosom because Little Lord David Mascivage is going to need something pillowy to rest his head on as he weeps since one of Scientology’s very own is probably headed to the chokey. About six months after Danny Masterson’s first rape trial ended with a hung jury, the jury in his retrial found him GUILTY of two out of three counts of forcible rape. They were deadlocked on the third charge. Danny’s smug ass could be locked away for 30 years. So everyone, time to update your title for Danny Masterson from “That ’70s Show star” to “Convicted Rapist.”
The sequel to Harvey Weinstein’s own personal #MeToo movement, #WaitMeAgain?, premiered on Monday when Harvey was found guilty on three charges of rape and sexual assault in a Los Angeles courtroom where he was on what they call in the business, a “trial vacation.” In the summer of 2021, Harvey was compelled to travel from his jail cell in New York, where has been serving 23 years for rape and sexual assault in that state, to a jail cell in California to stand trial against seven charges of sexual assault. While the accommodations offered to him during his stay in California may not have been what he would have chosen, they were comped through the government’s Frequent Felon program, so take any reviews he may have left on AirBnA.gov with a grain of salt.
While songbird turned jail bird R. Kelly is rotting in prison, someone out there thought that they’d kindly release an unauthorized album on his behalf and make a quick buck. I hope they’re happy with a few crumpled ones because no one really wants the music of a convicted sex trafficker. R. Kelly is unhappy that he’s not getting his cut of a few pennies and has set his legal team to solve the mystery of who dropped a bootleg album! The mystery they should be solving is why anyone in their right minds would think an R. Kelly album would sell in 2022.
In a shocking twist, Jen Shah has pled guilty to massive fraud! 48-year-old Jen of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City appeared in a federal court in Manhattan this morning for a surprise hearing, switching her previous “not guilty” plea to “GUILTY”. Wow. I really didn’t see that coming. I mean, the woman’s guiltier than a Disney villain (see: her reunion look homage to Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove in the header pic), but, since her arrest last March, she’s adamantly proclaimed her innocence. Hell, she was selling Not Guilty and #FreeJenShah merch on Instagram! I figured she’d keep that shit up during her trial, which was scheduled for July 18. But perhaps the prospect of facing 50 years in prison scared her, or she ran out of money to pay her lawyers, or she finally realized the feds’ case was too damning. Especially since her former assistant/partner in grift, Stuart Smith, pled guilty last year. Whatever the reason, Jen’s new plea agreement calls for just 11 to 14 years behind bars and restitution of up to $9.5 million. Shine on, you crazy scam queen.
America’s angels Todd and Julie Chrisley are in big trouble with the feds. A few years ago, they were charged with a slew of financial crimes and after a long investigation and three-week trial, they were found GUILTY! The couple has communicated to their legions of fans that they’re disappointed with this INJUSTICE, but they’ll fight this until the very end. The only thing they need is God’s grace and a time machine to stop them from committing those crimes!
If you felt the Earth rumble in a low vibration yesterday, don’t worry – it was likely just Elizabeth Holmes reacting to her guilty verdict with an unbelievably deep guttural “Nooooooooooo.” Because Elizabeth Holmes, the Silicon Valley blood-testing scammer with eyes that look like they were manufactured in a T-1000 factory, has been found guilty on four of the eleven things she was being charged with. And with that, all those Elizabeth Holmes biopics and limited series that are currently filming probably just scrapped their final scenes, and began rushing to write a script treatment for a jury deliberation.