Category: Miles Teller

Miles Teller Says He And Tom Cruise Have Discussed “Top Gun 3”

July 8, 2022 / Posted by:

It took 36 years for the original Top Gun to get a sequel, but, according to a recent Miles Teller interview with Entertainment Tonight, he and Tom Cruise are already “having some conversations” about making a third movie. Noooo, wait another 36 years! Release that it in 2056, when Tom is 96, Miles is 71, and the next generation of fighter pilots is played by X Æ A-12 Musk, Archie Mountbatten-Windsor, and JaxXx Bieber-Baldwin (that last one doesn’t exist yet, but stay tuned). It’ll end with Maverick crashing his plane into the moon.

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Miles Teller’s Grandmother Thinks He Should Be The Next James Bond

July 1, 2022 / Posted by:

It’s 100% false and untrue that Miles Teller has a face that only a mother could resist wanting to punch. For example, Mile’s granny Leona “Mup” Flowers thinks the sun rises and sets with every twinkle of his eye, and that the tides are tied to each douchey smirk that slides across his face. According to Mup, there’s nothing Miles can’t do, including a believable British accent. Us Weekly reports that Mup hopped on Twitter this week to suggest that her grandson would be the perfect actor to replace Daniel Craig as the next James Bond. Can’t you just picture it? No really, try. “The names Jim. Jim Bond. But you can call me Highball, that’s what my frat brothers call me. I’ll have a Bud Lite, shaken not stirred. No glass, I’m gonna shotgun it.” Swap the tuxedo for a Tommy Bahama shirt and I do believe that Mup might be onto something. Sorry, typo. On something.

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Tom Cruise Arrived On The Red Carpet For The Premiere Of “Top Gun: Maverick” In A Helicopter

May 5, 2022 / Posted by:

It took 36 years, but Tom Cruise has finally busted his Top Gun: Maverick nut all over the windshield of his F-14 Tomcat, which is probably why he had to fly onto the red carpet for yesterday’s premiere in a helicopter. Tom’s jizz is filled with thetens (that’s how he sheds them) which, if you’ve ever seen a mirror in a bathroom at a Scientology Center, you know are next to impossible to remove. So Tom’s Tomcat probably had to be decommissioned. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the four-hour-long red carpet extravaganza was held in San Diego aboard the USS Midway, a retired aircraft carrier. This means I can finally be honorably discharged, WITH DISTINCTION, for my tireless dedication to making up goof names for Top Gun 2: Secrets of The Bottom Drawer. And with that, I am out. May you have fair winds and following seas. I’ll take my 21-gun salute to go.

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Miles Teller Says He’s Been Vaccinated “For A While”

November 16, 2021 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Taylor Swift dropped the new video for “I Bet You Think About Me,” co-starring Miles Teller. And all I could think about was how risky it was to film a music video with an alleged anti-vaxxer in the middle of a pandemic. Appearing within 6 feet of Miles in this pandemic is a choice. There were rumors that he didn’t care much for masks or health and safety protocols, like getting a COVID test, that he skipped getting vaccinated against COVID, then caught COVID, and allegedly caused production on The Offer to be shut down. He also went on a pandemic double date vacation with Shailene Woodley and Aaron Rodgers, and we all know where Aaron stands on vaccines. But Miles himself would like everyone to know, he’s vaccinated, and has been for a while now.

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Assault Charges Have Been Filed Against The Man Who Allegedly Attacked Miles Teller In Maui

November 8, 2021 / Posted by:

That glamorous couple’s trip to Hawaii that Miles Teller and his wife Keleigh Sperry took with Shailene Woodley and Aaron Rodgers resulted in more than just a quartet of sunburnt assholes. It was on that trip, which took place back in May of this year, that Miles made good on his reputation of having one of the most punchable faces in Hollywood by allegedly getting punched in the face in the bathroom at Monkeypod Kitchen in Maui. Miles claimed he had been jumped by two strangerstrying to gang fight” him in the bathroom, but there were also reports that the attack was motivated by $60,000 that the alleged assailant claimed was owed to his wife for helping to plan Miles and Keleigh’s 2019 wedding. Now, we’re one step closer to learning the truth. According to TMZ, only one man, Russell Nielsen, has been charged with the assault. And Russell’s wife Lorrie Nielsen owns a wedding planning company called Unveiled Hawaii, which Keleigh name-checked in the Vogue coverage of their wedding.

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Miles Teller’s Rep Cries “Incorrect” Over The Report That His Unvaccinated Ass Caught COVID-19, Causing Production On “The Offer” To Temporarily Shut Down

September 4, 2021 / Posted by:

Yesterday it was reported that certified douche Miles Teller (seen above looking like an off-brand Magnum P.I. doll sold at a swap meet) refused to get the COVID-19 vaccine and also refused to get tested. And he apparently caught coronavirus, which led to the producers of his Paramount+ series, The Offer, having to press the pause button on production. Miles’ rep calls the reports “incorrect” but wouldn’t spit up any details. Miles actually replaced alleged abusing piece of yuppie smegma, Armie Hammer, in the series. So clearly that role is cursed and the only way to cleanse it of evil-ness is to cast Betty White in it. Better yet, just replace the entire cast with Betty White.

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