Tom Cruise proves just how flexible he is in the latest trailer for Top Gun 2: The Ego Has Landed with an impressive display of autofellacio. As with the teaser trailer we got back in July, this new trailer is all about how rad Tom Cruise is. He’s not just a maverick flying by the seat of his stunt butt, he’s THE Maverick. Top Gun 2: Cockpit Tease features Tom engaging in various acts of speed while a voice-over blows smoke up his ass. Guys, his exploits…………(wait for it)………..(wait for it)………(I hope you went to the bathroom first because)…… (wait for it)……….(almost there)……. (here it comes)……….(almost there)……are legendary.
I doubt anybody will be surprised to learn that 62-year-old Kelly McGillis will not be having steamy, curtain billowing, silhouette sex with Tom Cruise in the upcoming Top Gun 2: The Legend Of Maverick’s Lifts. But can you believe they never even asked her to participate? I mean, yes, it’s not surprising, but it is exceedingly rude. Good thing Kelly has neither the time nor the inclination to get anywhere near the danger zone again.
As if the addition of Miles Teller didn’t add enough douche bro fumes to the upcoming reboot of Top Gun, the ghost of Jon Hamm’s fraternity hazing past will also be haunting the set. Deadline reports that in addition to Jon, Ed Harris, and Lewis Pullman (son of MY president Bill Pullman), will also be joining the cast of Top Gun 2: Look Who’s Topping.
Of all the Top Gun sequel news I was hoping for, the biggest was that I’d hear Kelly McGillis would return as the no-nonsense instructor of a flight school called Take Your Own Damn Breath Away. But since that’s probably not ever going to happen, I’ll take this news as a decent substitute. Tom Cruise ran into Entertainment Tonight at the Washington, D.C. premiere of Mission: Impossible – Fallout over the weekend, and he confirmed that Jennifer Connelly will be in Top Gun: Maverick.
Tom said this about Jennifer joining the cast:
“Look, she’s a great actress, obviously. When you see the film, you’ll see why she’s perfect for it. She has such a very talented, very vibrant, and, you know, see we’re just going to have a great cast. Gonna be a lot of fun.”
The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer is likely playing a single mother who runs a local bar near the Navy base. Tom Cruise has a tendency to play opposite of much-younger love interests, and Jennifer Connelly is 47 (Tom is 56). A mere nine-year age difference would surely break Tom’s brain. So I’m going to assume Jennifer’s character’s backstory is that she’s a single mom who had a one-night stand back in the ’80s with Maverick, who left her to raise a kid named Bingo on her own while she slung punny Naval-themed drinks. She tried many times over the years to tie Maverick’s cockpit down, but she just couldn’t compete with his first love: shirtless volleyball games.
Louis Vuitton threw a party at the Louvre in Paris last night to celebrate their collaboration with Jeff Koons. Jeff Koons designed a line of tacky and hideous bags for them and you can see some of them here, but really, it just looks like the Louvre wiped its asshole with Louis Vuitton purses. The knock-offs are probably going to look better.
Louis Vuitton’s regulars, like Michelle Williams, Jennifer Connelly and Miranda Kerr, came out and so did Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston. After the party, Justin and Jennifer must have been planning to take a time machine back to the 90s to troll clubs for a third. Because they are giving me “90s swingers on a mission” hotness. They look like rejected Bret Easton Ellis characters.
Pulling off leather pants isn’t easy (and I mean that in more ways than one) and Justin isn’t doing it, but I’m still loving this look. Justin looks like that douche at the club whose got a thick cloud of Acqua di Gio following him and who tells the chicks that he’s an exotic car dealer when he’s really a salesman-in-training at a Hyundai dealership. The Roxbury Guys would look at him like, “What an asshole.”
Justin’s bulge isn’t as BOOM as it has been in the past, but it does sort of look like two small guinea pigs spooning in a trash bag.
I bet the line that Justin heard the most all night was, “I can’t wait to see you in paste pants later.”
And here’s more pictures from last night including Jennifer Connelly who covered herself with four layers of nope.
Somewhere in the afterlife, the ghost of David Bowie just called a meeting with the ghost of Jim Henson to discuss the best way to haunt the shit out of whoever thought a Labyrinth reboot was a good idea.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, the latest nugget of nostalgia from your childhood to get the unnecessary remake treatment will be Jim Henson’s 1986 film Labyrinth. In case you’re not familiar with the life-changing magnificence that is Labyrinth, it’s a musical puppet fantasy movie starring David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King, a sexy baby-stealer who looks like what you’d get if Elvira Mistress of the Dark and a pound of coke had a baby, and a young Jennifer Connelly as Sarah, the sister of the baby he steals. Also, tons of fucked-up puppets. It’s basically the most perfect movie from the 80s. And now Hollywood is going to give it the Jem and the Hollograms treatment! All together now:
And if you’re still standing after that “NOOOOO!“, feel free to follow it up with a “WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYYY????” while falling to the floor and curling up into the fetal position like I did.
Here are the details on Hollywood’s latest example of shameful disrespect for feathered hair and puppets. TriStar (the company responsible for the first Labyrinth) worked out a deal with The Jim Henson Co. to produce a new Labyrinth. They’ve hired one of the co-writers of Guardians of the Galaxy to write it, and it will be produced by Jim Henson’s daughter Lisa Henson. No word on who will be cast in this mess, but one thing is for sure: no matter who they get to play Jareth, there’s no way they’ll be able to work a goblin king crotch bulge like David Bowie could.
I don’t blame The Jim Henson Company for throwing a giant ugly watermark over Bowie’s dick; if I was responsible for one of the most important and stunning pieces of visual art of all time, I’d want my name all over it too.
Pics: TriStar, The Jim Henson Co.