From The Department Of Possible Super Bowl Ad Stunts: Maya Rudolph Has Put The M&M Mascots Out Of A Job!
Last year, M&M’s announced a little change-up to their line-up of mascots, and it SHOOK THE WORLD (not really). They decided to retire Ms. Green M&M’s Nancy Sinatra-approved go-go boots for a knock-off pair of Common Project sneakers and also tone down her totally slutty eyelashes. In addition to that, they gave the brown M&M more sensible heels, made the orange one more anxious (it was 2022, we were all more anxious and still are), and added a new mascot, Ms. Purple. Since in 2022 there was nothing really newsworthy to report, Fox News’ Tucker Carlson dedicated an entire segment of his show to slamming the “woke” M&M mascots and whining about how he wouldn’t want to have a drink with any of the new “non-binary” M&Ms. Basically, it seemed he was mad that he no longer has the urge to jizz on an M&M, which probably made the guests in his green room immediately dump the bowl of M&M’s on the end table next to the sofa. To think, they thought those candies were just covered in a weird new coating that M&M’s was trying out. Well, M&M’s is making yet another mascot change and, this time, decided to play it safe by going with someone who Tucker Carlson will never ever get publicly horny for: a Black and Jewish woman! They announced today that the one and only Maya Rudolph will be the new face of M&M’s.
It’s been a while since Lil Nas X made headlines for corrupting the youths. That Satan lap dance was nearly two years ago. And his Grammy’s crotch grab was last spring. Is Lil Nas X losing his touch? Thankfully, the answer is no. A few days ago, the rapper posed for an Instagram pic with The Wiggles, and the mere suggestion that the Australian children’s music group might possibly collaborate with Nas sent concerned mothers into a tailspin. Won’t somebody please think of the children?!?
Some Conservatives Are Pissed About Lizzo Twerking While Playing James Madison’s Crystal Flute From The 1800s
Last week, Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden took to Twitter to invite Lizzo to pop by the Library of Congress while she was in Washington D.C. for her tour. BOOOORRRRRIIIIIN- oh wait, the library has a historical flute collection? Which features a crystal flute owned by President James Madison in 1813? Cool! Especially for a famous flute enthusiast like Lizzo. So, Lizzo took Carla up on her offer, and this past Tuesday, she got to play the prized crystal flute at the library. Later that day, she surprised fans at her concert with a special guest: the flute! Both times Lizzo played the (magic?) crystal flute, she did some very light twerking, because why not? Afterward, everyone was very happy and chill, cuz history is neato, and the crystal flute is pretty. Not! Some people (*cough* conservatives) were très scandalized. And WAP-hater Ben Shapiro, who’s probably never even heard of the crystal flute before this week, was the head of this angry mob.
It feels like we’ve been threatened with the release of Blonde starring Ana de Armas as Marilyn Monroe (seen above giving me more “Brittany Murphy as Judy Greer’s character in Jawbreaker” than Marilyn) for eons, but maybe I’m just confusing it with all the other 5 million Marilyn Monroe projects that are keeping Marilyn’s memory alive Marilyn from fucking resting already. But Blonde is finally landing on Netflix on September 28, whether we like it or not, and when the first full trailer was released last week, talk went from “WHY DOES THIS EXIST?!” to debate over Ana’s Cuban accent mixing in with her breathy Marilyn voice. The owners of The Marilyn Monroe Estate have taken a side and they have defended Ana’s performance in the trailer, accent and all. But then again, the Estate also defended Kim Kardashian after her nuclear power plant ass destroyed Marilyn’s dress!!!!
It’s been a few days since a room full of crusty, out-of-touch, mostly male dickbags who no one elected but get to keep their asses planted on the bench for as long as they’d like to fuck over as many women and minorities as they can during their lifelong tenures decided that individual states can decide what people with uteruses can do with their own bodies. Obviously, people have strong feelings about it, and Halsey has never been one to back away from making their stance on issues known. At Halsey’s concert on Sunday night, the singer made comments condemning the overturning of Roe vs. Wade, spurring some people to walk out. When Halsey was made aware of this, they basically said that these people can kick rocks.
On Sunday night, Will Smith inched his way just a little closer to the possibility of his first Oscar win when he took home the SAG Award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role for King Richard. But on Sunday, he was also reminded of the time he took home the Red Table Talk award for Most Meme-able Face when his wife Jada Pinkett Smith admitted to an “entanglement” with their son’s friend August Alsina. That reminder came courtesy of E! red carpet correspondent Laverne Cox, who brought up the entanglement situation in a light way. But still, a whole lot of people thought it was beyond tacky for her to utter the E word to the Pinkett Smiths. Laverne has something to say about her red carpet choice, and she truly isn’t bothered by the hate it received.