And now for Chapter III of the cheating scandal rocking the chess world — nay, the entire world. Yep, this subculture has officially been promoted to the main culture, and it’s all thanks to anal beads. First, a quick recap: in early September, 19-year-old grandmaster Hans Niemann beat 31-year-old Norwegian grandmaster Magnus Carlsen during a tournament match. After the loss, Magnus quit the tournament and took to Twitter to insinuate Hans had cheated. Chess fans on social media speculated that Hans may have cheated using anal beads that vibrated him the correct moves (using wireless A.I. tech). Hans denied everything, but Chess.com uninvited him from a tournament and banned him from their site. A couple of weeks later, Hans and Magnus faced off in an online streaming match, but Magnus logged off after just one move. Then, he did an interview where he repeated his implication that Hans was a cheater. Last Thursday, this nerdy Jack Harlow-type decided enough was enough. NPR reports that Hans filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against Magnus. Wow, you could buy a whole lot of vibrating anal beads with $100 million!
Some Conservatives Are Pissed About Lizzo Twerking While Playing James Madison’s Crystal Flute From The 1800s
Last week, Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden took to Twitter to invite Lizzo to pop by the Library of Congress while she was in Washington D.C. for her tour. BOOOORRRRRIIIIIN- oh wait, the library has a historical flute collection? Which features a crystal flute owned by President James Madison in 1813? Cool! Especially for a famous flute enthusiast like Lizzo. So, Lizzo took Carla up on her offer, and this past Tuesday, she got to play the prized crystal flute at the library. Later that day, she surprised fans at her concert with a special guest: the flute! Both times Lizzo played the (magic?) crystal flute, she did some very light twerking, because why not? Afterward, everyone was very happy and chill, cuz history is neato, and the crystal flute is pretty. Not! Some people (*cough* conservatives) were très scandalized. And WAP-hater Ben Shapiro, who’s probably never even heard of the crystal flute before this week, was the head of this angry mob.
Grandmaster Chess Champion Magnus Carlsen Abruptly Quit A Game Against Rival Hans Niemann, Who Has Been Accused Of Cheating Using Anal Beads
Enough Adam Levine cheating scandal. Let’s get back to September’s really juicy cheating scandal: Chessgate 2022: Anal Beads?! Earlier this month, 31-year-old Norwegian grandmaster Magnus Carlsen lost to 19-year-old grandmaster Hans Niemann during the Sinquefield Cup. After the loss, Magnus dropped out of the tournament and took to Twitter to imply that something fishy was going on. Soon, chess-obsessed social media users accused Hans of cheating. They theorized he was wearing wireless anal beads connected to a computer program that would buzz him (in Morse code, I guess?) the correct moves. They had no proof, but these rumors plus Hans getting caught cheating when he was 12 and 16 got him banned from Chess.com and uninvited from its Global Championship in Toronto. Hans did an interview to defend himself and invited his haters to strip him “fully naked” before games. Cut to earlier this week, when the Matt Damon/Jesse Plemons-lookin’ one (Magnus) dramatically quit an online game with the Jack Harlow-type (Hans) after just two moves! I, for one, love quitting after two moves, cuz chess is boring, and I suck at it. But for these genius grandmasters, forfeiting early is a huge “Fuck you and your anal beads!”
The chess world has been rocked by its biggest scandal in years: one of the players lost their virginity! JK, chess players probably have groupies in every chess city in the world. No, this scandal concerns 19-year-old chess grandmaster, Hans Niemann. The Evening Standard reports that, after winning a game against the world’s #1 grandmaster, Magnus Carlsen, Hans was hit with social media accusations that he cheated using vibrating anal beads that provided him with perfect A.I. moves. Hmmm, maybe refs should have known something was up when Hans crossed his eyes, drooled, and made Professor Frink noises right before moving his bishop to A5.
On Saturday Jamie Lee Curtis took some time off from shit-talking Doctor Strange and all other movies that aren’t Everything Everywhere All At Once to officiate her daughter’s backyard cosplay wedding. 26-year-old Ruby Guest and new wife Kynthia said “I do” dressed up as video game characters; Ruby was Squigly from Skull Girls and Kynthia was Elphelt Valentine from Guilty Gear. 62-year-old Jamie Lee cosplayed as Jaina Proudmoore from World of Warcraft. I have no idea who any of these characters are, but, somewhere, my video game-addicted ex probably jizzed his pants at the mere mention of their names.
Well, he did it. The goofy little bald man just burned billions of dollars to fly into (almost) space in a cock-shaped rocket and all I got was this $18.99 Blue Origin New Shepard Rocket Blueprint T-Shirt off Amazon which I plan to defile by clumsily adding a pair of balls and some pubic hair with a Sharpie. And that $18.99 goes right into Jeff Bezos’ pocket so really, who is the asshole here? According to CNN, Jeff and his Blue Origin crew, which included his brother Mark Bezos and Oliver Daemen, a Dutch teen whose hedge fund daddy paid an undisclosed amount for his seat (the person who originally won the auction had paid $28 million before dropping out due to scheduling issues), flew 60 miles from the earth for about 10 minutes. They even let a girl go with them! Their pilot, 82-year-old Wally Fink, became the oldest woman to launch into space. Upon touching back down to earth, Jeff said it was the “best day ever,” possibly because for the first time in his life people had to use a telescope instead of a microscope to see his dick pics.